Many Many Moons

What's New...crickets

2012-03-08T08:29:00.000-05:00

It has recently become apparent tome that I need a hobby. We visited H's family last weekend and the inevitablequestion arose, "What's new with you guys". They don't know about ourlatest adoption struggle or they probably would have avoided the question thistime for fear of the real answer. It's funny, H is weirdly private with them(he loves them a lot, he's just not a sharer and always (always!) falls on theside of not telling things v/s telling. I wish I was more like that, but myinstinct is always to over share. A happy medium would be nice I think. Aftergetting burned the last time by telling them (and others) about the adoption inthe works over Christmas he wanted no part of that again. Once things didn'twork out this time it felt like there was no point in getting them shook up forno reason so to make a long story short, we came face to face with the,"What's new" question and the actual answer to the question wasn't anoption.

Honestly, no matter what is going onwe are the absolute worst when it comes to thinking of things to say inresponse to this even on a good day. We have just really settled into such aroutine (one I love by the way) and to a bystander it is super uneventful. Weliterally even call stuff on the way the way you would call shotgun. Here's howthe conversation generally goes. "I call telling them that we watched abunch of Academy Award movies last week before the show", "I callthat we're renovating the closet", "No, I want that one, you talkedabout our vacation last time when I had called that so I get the closet".We will nearly knock each other down to make sure the other doesn't steal ourtopic (I only wish I was kidding). It would be comical if it wasn't so sad. In our defense though, it's a lot of pressure answering that question on the spot.

Sometimes they'll even ask it againlater in the day when trying to make conversation and it's like, "Umm, wealready used everything we had the first go round. I got nothin for yanow." It's so awkward.

So much of the last 2.5 years of ourlives have revolved around trying to have a baby and everything that goes withit. For so long (and now) it's been either treatments, tests, surgery,paperwork, adoption, etc. that we have slowly but surely cut things out of ourlives that don't make us feel relaxed. They have just fallen by the wayside. IfI'm being honest, I shouldn't say "us", it's more "me".

H is typically the king of thehobby. Woodworking, computer programming, bowling (it's painful), photography,guitar, etc. You name it and he's into it, has researched it within an inch ofhis life, and has mastered it. He's backed of from all of that recently a bitas he tries to come to grips with the latest adoption situation, but he canpick any of them back up at a moment’s notice and has already started to. Ihowever am void of all things interesting. As you all know, TV is my thing. Iapologetically love all things pop culture bordering on obsession. That howeveris not a hobby, it's a sickness and it ain't gonna cut it.

I have also been informed that mylove of pedicures and massages doesn't count either. H informed me that thosefall under the "luxury" category and not the "hobby"category. Well fine then.

I should also point out that I'm nota go get em’, tackle that challenge kind of person. You know how people have abucket list of things they want to do before they kick the bucket? Yeah, well Ihave a bucket list too. It's full of things I absolutely want no part of doingin my lifetime. Things like climbing Mount Everest, running a marathon, etc..You get the idea. I know, I'm ridiculous.

I do however need to start doing somethingfor me. Something where I can feel good after I'm done and feel like Iaccomplished something. I have gone through phases at different points in mylife of being yoga obsessed (until I gain weight and no longer want to fit myfat ass into workout clothes which in turn makes me not want to work out whichreally just creates a vicious circle). If I am being honest, that really shouldbecome my hobby again. I just haven't felt up to it for a while and can't makemyself jump back in. Which once again makes me feel like crap which then makesme want to do it even less. I know, I'm a simple being.

I love to bake, but when you live ina house with only two people (who lack all self control) all that really doesis feed into the situation I just described. Plus, telling someone about thecake you just make tends not to be a crowd pleaser ya know.

What it boils down to is that I nowneed to take the plunge. I really don't even care what it is, but I do knowthat if I have to have that awkward, "What's new" exchange one moretime I may start making stuff up. I am not above lying, I'm really really not,but I would like to avoid it at all possible.

Update: Natalie over at pajamasarecomfy has provided five solid hobby options for me in the comments section. You see Nat assumes I am normal and can handle typical daily activities. She would be incorrect. I would like to point out that of the five, I have broken bones doing two of them in my lifetime. One tragic roller skating birthday party ended with my tailbone broken and me wanting to die (seriously the worst pain I've ever felt). The second was a humiliating bicycle accident during what was supposed to be a leisurely ride through the park with H. There I was in two braids like Pippy Longstocking (a choice I later came to regret) and I not only fell off my bike, but I hit another cyclist. Did you hear that. I hit someone with my bike. He of course barely flinched but I left with a broken arm and a hairdo that as it turned out would have to stay put for the next three days because I couldn't shower. In case I haven't made it clear, I am truly the living worst.

What a great night

2012-03-07T09:53:00.000-05:00

I am happy to report that I had a truly great time last night. It felt like a breath of fresh air and I was so thankful for it.

I had the chance to meet up with a another women who along with her husband, is a "waiting family" through our adoption agency. Our agency has a website where they list all of the profiles of the families who are waiting to adopt. It has a brief letter from us to any potential birth families as well as three pictures of the couple. This is just one additional way to get your name out there and doesnot replace the hard copy of the much more detailed and expanded profile books we put together. By the way, if you're playing a drinking game with this blog then I would suggest using agency as the buzz word because I can already tell it's going to be used a lot.

So anyway, this women saw on the agency website that our profile had repeatedly gone on and off of "placement pending" (a tag shown when you have been selected to be placed with a baby but are still waiting for he/she to be born) status and assumed that we had gone through similar adoption experiences as they had. They have had a rough go of it and I think she was just really feeling frustrated and defeated and was looking for someone who understood. She took the initiative to call the agency and have them contact me to see if I would be interested in getting together sometime.

Had I not had such great experiences meeting up with fellow bloggers in the past I think I would have been leery, but my experiences here gave me the confidence to go for it. Let me tell you, I am so glad I did. We talked over dinner for nearly three hours and it went so far towards getting me back on track. We were able to compare notes, share war stories, and really just vent to each other.

Sometimes with the agency you feel very hesitant to speak up if you have a problem. You hate to think that any couple would get preferential treatment over another, but the reality is that when a birth family comes and makes the decision to choose an adoptive family for her baby, they typically show them three or four profile books of couples who meet the criteria they are looking for. They of course will always show her more if she asks, but they don't want to overwhelm them with too many at one time. That makes sense to me (although I say if they want to look at 100 that is totally understandable and I'm sure the agency would oblige). The agency has to make the decision regarding which adoptive couples they are going to put front and center and you have to hope that you are one of those lucky few. I am sure the agency does their best to give everyone an opportunity whenever possible, but I am also sure that they are naturally drawn to some families. They are only human.

It was so nice to be able to talk about things with this women who is very much in the trenches about some of the things we are both too hesitant to bring up with the agency for fear we will rub someone the wrong way. They agency is always willing to listen or answer questions, but like I said, perception really is reality and I guarantee that most of the families still waiting for their baby do everything they can to not appear as the "problem child". I know it made us both feel better to know we weren't alone in thinking so many of the things we thought but had hated to say or even feel. What a relief.

I suppose that it could be a little awkward knowing that we could both be considered for placement with the same baby at some point and therefore in a way "competing" with each other to be chosen. I don't see it that way though and I don't think she did either. I can see us being great cheerleaders for each other much like we are here in the blog world. You watch these other families on the website either sit idle or move back and forth between pending status and back to idle again. It makes you want to cheer them on because you know that they are in the same boat you are.

Of course we would love to move to the next phase of this journey (please God), but you find yourself really rooting for all of these other families too. Plus, if the idea that your baby is already sort of predestined and we'll know him/her when the time comes holds true, we really aren't in competition at all right?

Can I take a nap on your couch??

2012-03-05T21:31:00.000-05:00

Thank you to each and every one of you out there who offered your support to me over the last few days.  Catching my breath has really felt impossible at times and your comments have truly been a lifeline for me.

Since last week the tears have come fast and furious (and often times out of nowhere) and I'm thinking that the time has come to reach out for some help dealing with these feelings.  H is so amazing when it comes to being stoic and has really been my rock through not just this, but the ectopic, the failed treatments month after month, the Fragile X, the two failed adoptions before this latest adoption situation, through everything.

Little by little we drag ourselves through each challenge and come out the other side. It feels like I'm carrying this suitcase with me though. We always seem to get to our next destination, but the suitcase keeps filling up with souvenirs from each stop and it's just getting too heavy. I need someone who can carry a little of the load and it can't be H. He needs a break and besides, he's carrying a pretty heavy suitcase of his own.

I've been in therapy at different points in my life for different specific reasons, but it's been quite awhile since I've been back.  I am so ready I can't even tell you.  There have been points this week when I've considered finding the nearest licensed professional and just knocking on their door without an appointment, marching in and laying down on their couch until they are forced to deal with me (I'm only sort of kidding). I think I've been able to put it off until now because you all have been sort of filling in (and doing a crazy good job), but the time has come to actually talk to an actual professional (although I would swear some of you have your degree for as much good as you do me).  Therapy isn't a cure all and it certainly doesn't erase what's going on in your life, but it does offer an unbiased opinion and a sounding board for all of the thoughts that are bouncing around in this head of mine. That sounds pretty good to me right now.

I can remember in the times I've been before thinking that all I wanted to do was to simply curl up on their couch and go to sleep. Their office felt safe and relaxing to me and just being there almost felt like enough. Does that sound completely crazy? For as much as I was paying they probably would have said ok, but I never found the nerve to ask. The point is, I think it's time to head back and see if I can lighten this load a little.

One more quick thing before I go. I received such sweet and supportive comments from 99.9% of you and that is where I want the majority of my attention to go. I know that there had to be some of you out there who didn't understand or disagreed with our decision (I'm still nowhere near coming to grips with it myself). If you did feel that way, you didn't choose to focus on that; instead you offered me support and kindness knowing that I needed that from you. That's just who you are.

Where my attention shouldn't go is to the one commenter who felt she just had to express her distain about the decision we made.  Rest assured, she says she must have typed it a hundred times before pushing send so I guess there is comfort in knowing it was well thought out.  I hope it made her feel better to make her feelings known.  I know it did wonders for me on an evening where I was finally starting to feel just a little bit like myself for maybe 30 minutes out of what had proven to be the worst week of my life. That's what my blog is here for after all, so that she can have her say and snap me back to reality.

Unfortunately, she was so busy writing and rewriting he comment that while she signed her first name (a name she happens to share in common with a few amazing bloggers so I won't be posting it), she didn't remember to link her comment to an actual e-mail address. That means that the opportunity for open dialogue isn't available to me (my loss I'm sure and a complete oversight on her part I can only assume). To you my blogger friend I want to say thank you. You took my worst fears, my doubts, my crippling guilt, and my insecurity and parroted them back to me with a megaphone. I think my favorite part of your comment was when you explained to me just what being a parent was all about. You read the situation just right. Tough love was exactly what I needed and luckily you were there to give it to me.

Well this truly is your lucky day commenter. You no longer have to be subjected to reading this blog and while I will miss your charm and honesty, I no longer have to be subjected to reading your comments. A true win-win situation if you ask me.

We said no

2012-03-02T09:21:00.001-05:00

I want to write a little bit about what we've been dealing with over the last month or so. If nothing else, I'm hoping it will clear my head a little and allow me to focus. For so much of the last couple of days I've done nothing but let my thoughts bounce around inside my head at lightning speed and I think I need to get some of it out. Forgive me if this post is disjointed and all over the place.

Not long after our last failed adoption just after Christmas we were contacted about a birth mother who was interested in meeting with us and one other couple. She was due with a little boy on February 28th. We honestly didn't feel ready. We were just coming back up from the last disappointment and H felt that we should pass. He didn't feel like I was ready to emotionally handle it. He knew I could handle a positive outcome, but another loss he felt like might do me in. His instincts to pass as it turned out, were correct. We didn't listen to his instincts, we just couldn't.

We met with the birth mother. We liked her a lot. She was shy and sweet and having two kids already just wasn't equipped to handle another baby. We walked away from our meeting assuring each other that no matter what happens we weren't getting emotionally invested. If it happens we would be beyond thrilled, if it didn't it wasn't meant to be. We were going to keep the situation at arms link to protect ourselves. We truly believed that I think.

We received the call a few days later that we had been chosen. I took a deep breath and said to our adoption agency contact when she delivered the news, "Here we go". It felt like buying a ticket to get on a ride at a carnival that had just made you sick. You know you might get sick again, but how can you pass up the potential thrill you could get.

For weeks H and I didn't talk about it. We told almost nobody. We acted like it wasn't happening. We had all of the "stuff" associated with bringing a baby home from the last time and that made it easier to avoid the topic because there just wasn't a lot of physical prep to do. I hadn't even told my Mom. Slowly though as time grew closer the excitement crept in. We tried to avoid it, but damn it we were getting excited. Once I told my Mom there was no stopping it and I was full-fledged happy. Damn it.

It was about two weeks ago that we got the call that they had found something. Because the birth mother has had little to no prenatal care, up to that point they had just assumed the baby was healthy because he seemed to be growing normally and she felt fine. They were able to get her in for an ultrasound and discovered that the baby may have a very serious heart condition. We were devastated. Because of the nature of the condition they weren't able to tell us much about the condition or even confirm that he had it. There was many hours of phone calls trying to obtain medical information, releases, etc. to get as much information as we could beforehand. It was a red tape nightmare and ultimately a waste of time because nobody could tell us anything of value.

H and I knew in our hearts that if what they feared was true, it wasn't something we were equipped to deal with. We don't have any family around us, we would be first time parents already on a huge learning curve, and the financial burden could potentially be too much. Open heart surgery, it was all too much. We just felt that we weren't going to be the best family for him. We knew that, but still we doubted ourselves. We were asked by our agency to wait until he was born to make a final decision. We truly didn't know what to do. How could we wait until this little boy was born and then decide he was too sick for us to care for. How could we do that.

The birth mother went into labor on Tuesday and we were asked to drive the four hours to a hotel near the hospital to wait until they knew more. We had hope. Looking back on it now, we both really did have hope that things were going to work out and this could be it. We eventually received the call that the baby had been born and as they had predicted, he was diagnosed with the condition they had spotted on the ultrasound. H and I had done many hours of research in the weeks prior and had decided before labor that if that was truly the diagnoses, we were going to decline. We thought that it would make it easier to know that we had a line in the sand. It didn't.

We were asked to sleep on it and speak with the pediatric cardiologist in the morning. I think that we both thought that the cardiologist would confirm what we already knew and had decided. The night both took forever to end and was over in the blink of an eye. After dozens of calls back and forth with social workers, family, and doctors we were finally able to speak with the cardiologist. We sat in that hotel room like two caged animals pacing back and forth trying to make sense of what we were hearing. The doctor painted a picture that wasn't nearly as grim as we had feared, but still potentially devastating. It blurred everything and made our line in the sand almost nonexistent.

We went back and forth weighing the pros and cons. We needed someone to tell us what to do. Everybody we talked to said that they couldn't tell us what to do, it had to be our decision. All I wanted to do was run to the hospital and hold this little boy. I couldn't. This was a little boy who potentially could be our son. Our son...how could we walk away from that.

Neither of us wanted to say definitively what we thought because it was just too much to have to decide this. Finally, after hours of jumping from one side of the issue to another I spoke up. I said that I thought we should do it. I said that even if this little boy was only with us for four years, we would probably say that it was the best four years of our lives and how could we miss out on that. I regret saying what I was thinking and I think I always will. I regret it because it made H know that he was going to have to be the one forced to have to say what he knew to be true. This was not our son.

In the end it wasn't his decision alone, but I know he feels the weight of it. H thought it was important that I be the one to call the social worker with our final decision because up to that moment I had been the one on the fence with her. It was important that she know we were on the same page and had made our decision together. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and when I hung up I sobbed. I don't feel like I've stopped since. The guilt to know that someone was willing to trust us with the gift of her baby and we said no. The guilt that that little boy was waiting on his family and it wasn't us. The guilt is too much.

We were told that a Plan B was in place for the baby and that he has found his family. That brings me some peace, but not enough. I don't think I'll ever know in my heart if we made the right decision. That's just something I'm going to have to live with.

I know it will get easier with time, everything always does. Right now though, I feel like I can't breathe.

Not having anything to say never stopped me

2012-02-24T14:22:00.000-05:00

I have a serious case of writers block people. A true can't think of a thing to say situation. Why in the heck am I wasting your time if I have nothing to say you ask? Because I don't want you to forget about me and well, that's just the kind of narcissistic girl I am. I just can't resist. You're welcome.

I will leave you with this thought. Actually, it's not so much leaving you with this though since it's really the only one I have. I am an honest to goodness Oscar nerd. I love me some Academy Awards. It's my jam and I unapologetically love it. I was telling Natalie at pajamasarecomfy today that I not only need complete silence during the show, but also complete control over the remote (or channel selector as an old boyfriend used to call it...lame). I need to have the option to mute or flip the channel at my will if there are any even moderately awkward moments (someone trips, the teleprompter goes out and the presenters are forced to wing it, a boob falls out, an old man is honored). You know, things that basically make me want to leap through the screen and save the person. If I am forced to sit through something like that I literally cover my eyes with my knees, placing my fingers in my ears, and hum. It ain't pretty but it is effective. H has found that just simply letting me be in charge of the remote is the easier option for everyone involved.

So on Sunday while all of you outdoorsy people are out hiking a mountain or swimming in the creek (or whatever else outdoorsy people do that I have no knowledge of), I'll be nerded out in front of my TV living vicariously through the rich, famous, and somewhat beautiful.

The people who cried baby

2012-02-20T15:40:00.000-05:00

So I tend to get quite on the blogs (and in real life) when I don't want to lie to you and yet I don't feel ready to talk about what's going on. A couple of you have e-mailed asking if something was up (thank you for noticing that I was quite these last couple of weeks BTW...love that). The truth is that we did have something in the works on the adoption front, but unfortunately it took a sharp right turn last week (over a cliff) and it's just not all sorted out yet. The odds are very good that there will be nothing new or positive to report, but we just need to know that for sure before we can share it.

H and I decided after the last adoption fell through that the next time something came up we would keep it to ourselves until the last second. It was just so devastating for us to watch our friends and families be so sad for us and it just seemed to compound the hurt we were already feeling.  If you would ask our families they would say that they would be devastated for us a hundred times over if it meant they got to be there to support us (we're really lucky), but we just really felt that this time we needed to keep it close. Sometimes all you want to do is put things out of your head and be in denial (even when you're expecting something great) and you really can't do that when your sister is calling to check in on "what's new".   So as much as their support is so amazing and so appreciated, we felt like it was just better to try and keep it private.

It's so hard because I talk to my mom every single day sometimes several times a day (yeah, I'm that girl).  To have such a big secret that you want to share so badly has been torture.  Now that things have taken a turn for the shit though I really am grateful that I was able to spare a lot of my family that pain. I did eventually let my mom in on what was going on, but only in the last week.

Is that cryptic enough for ya?? :) I'm so sorry to be like that.  I hate that I can share so many personal things on this blog and then have to pull back sometimes and be so private. It's kind of unfair I feel to those of you who are so sweet to support me, but in this case I just really feel like I don't have a choice. I also feel like until the rest of my family is in the know I just can't put it out there. Add to it that H and I are starting to feel like the people who cried baby and there you have it.

I'll be able to talk more soon I think and let you in on everything that happened, but for now I just wanted to say thank you for still checking in even when I'm playing hide n' seek (a game I absolutely hate by the way because people sneaking up on me scares the crap out of me).

Hibernation

2012-02-20T09:47:00.001-05:00

What a great, relaxing, do whatever we wanted weekend!

H and I bot had a really really rough week (more on that in upcoming posts) that culminated in me being so distracted that I cried at work to my boss after making a huge mistake. It was ugly ladies, seriously ugly. Anyway, we were both looking forward to this weekend in a big way and it came through for us let me tell ya.

We basically have the same likes and dislikes as your average senior citizen. It's a sad state of affairs, but our favorite thing to do (besides eating) is to sit around watching TV, and just doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. We are semi-unapologetic homebodies and it felt good to have two solid days of doing our favorite thing whenever we wanted.

I did have a birthday "girls brunch" for a friend of mine on Saturday morning, but that was fairly stress free. The only sort of stress involved came with the fact that two of the girls in the group are pregnant and that dominated a good part of the conversation. That's just something I need to understand though. It's the biggest thing in their lives and how can they not talk about it. It definitely did sting a little though.

Anyway, after that it was game on. We caught up on all of our DVR's shows and watched the movie 50/50. If you haven't seen it, it's super good, but also pretty sad. I had sort of tricked H into watching by telling him that Seth Rogan was in it leading him to believe it was a comedy. It definitely had its comedic moments, but the sad to funny ratio rested more at 80/20 than 50/50. All and all a great movie though. We also watched The Bodyguard and I may or may not have sobbed my eyes out like a goon, but I'm chalking that up to leftover work tears more than anything.

We also hit up PF Chang's for lunch. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I love me a good chain restaurant. I was ridiculed to no end while living in NYC because most people there would rather die than be caught in a Red L.obster or an Olive Ga.rden. I am all quantity over quality (a classy girl I know) and I happen to love it SO THERE! Please note that when I say "So There!" that actually means I spend 5 years hiding my love of said chains in an attempt not to appear lame. Just wanted to be clear.

We also worked quite a bit of time on our new upstairs closet. I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not, but we are renovating our attic/storage space into a walk-in closet. I don't want to overstate it, I mean Oprah isn't going to be jealous or anything. I am totally in love with it and can't wait to start piling my clothes in. It should be finished tonight so I'll post some pics very soon.

It looked so nice and clean once the walls were up and the floors were done that I honestly contemplated just leaving it empty. It was so nice to walk into a space that wasn't cluttered with just stuff and feel like you could breathe a little. In the end my wardrobe won out though and I can't wait to start filling it up. I'll post pics this week once it's 100% done.

The week culminated in my going to bed at 8:30 last night. H and I have both been sick and my body was not having it anymore. Once the sun went down so did my eyelids and I slept until 6:00am. I was like a bear coming out of hibernation and even did a yawn/stretch combo that out of a cartoon.

I'm hoping that such a great weekend will lead to great things this week...for all of us.

It isn't JUST a word

2012-02-13T14:18:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about the word "Just" recently. It's a small word I know and it's used every single day with no problem (as far as I know). In fact, I often times use it when I'm asking for a favor from H. "Can you really quickly just run down and grab me a drink", "Can you start my car, it'll just take a second". See, it works in my favor most of the time.

Where I start to have a problem is when the word is used in relation to adoption. As we've moved through the minefield that is infertility (seriously, you get hit with shrapnel all the time), I can't tell you how many people in my day to day life have said to me, "You should just adopt". I've never been able to properly express to those well meaning people just how condescending and unbelievably arrogant that statement is.

To say that we should "Just Adopt" is so presumptuous and ill informed that it's often hard for me to not react in a way that is let's just say, less than ladylike. That statement implies that they understand what infertility means to me or H for that matter. It implies that a child is so invaluable that it can simply be picked up at Targ.et in the baby isle whenever the mood strikes. It implies that my heart won't be ripped out countless times along the path to adoption. It implies that it's the easier choice second to giving birth. It implies that giving birth is a dream that you can easily move aside and replace with adoption (for some people that is like trying to fit a square peg into a circle hole). It implies that as infertile women, we are so singularly focused on childbirth that we have never considered adoption as an option until they came into our lives with this valuable nugget of wisdom. It implies that their opinion holds any weight on my decision of how I am to someday become a mother. Most importantly, it implies that the adoption journey is easily maneuvered and can be completed on a whim with no muss and no fuss.

What I want to say but can never quite find the words to in that moment is that the fact that they may know lots of adopted children at their child's school, through their church, or through that women who used to babysit their kids, might make them think that the process is no big deal. Guess what, that isn't a testament to how effortless or mindless the process is. The fact that you know so many adopted children is a testament to how relentless their parents (both birth and adopted) were to make that family happen.

There is very little that I wouldn't do to become a mother either through childbirth or adoption, but you random nurse at my OBGYN's office, you Great Aunt who I only see at Christmas, you friend of a friend who is having your first night out after getting pregnant on your second month of trying, are in no position to tell me how to make that happen. So while you may think you are being helpful, you really really aren't.

It is nearly impossible to just adopt!

Just another manic Monday

2012-02-13T11:54:00.000-05:00

For some reason I keep having the urge to say, "It's Monday bitches". It's a fact that it is Monday, so that's OK, but why I feel the need to add the word bitches onto the end is anyone's guess.

We survived wedding weekend and we had a great time. H served as best man in a wedding this past weekend and he had to do all the normal "stuff" associated with that. One of his duties was obviously the best man speech. Let me tell you, we had ourselves so worked up over it you'd have thought he was headed to give the State of the Union address. I seriously felt like I was watching my son compete in the Olympics (OK, maybe the state tournament, but you get the idea). I was just so dang nervous for him. I swear to you that he must have practiced his speech in our hotel room using the remote control as his microphone (where germs go to thrive by the way) about 50 times. It was actually pretty sweet and super out of character for him to be that nervous. I told him that I was drawing the line at letting him use a towel as long hair. :) The practice paid off and and all and all it was a big hit.

During the reception I got a text from my sister telling me that Whitney Houston had died. I know, I know, I'm such a loser for even having my phone with me at a wedding. The news made me (and a lot of people it seems) just really really sad.

I've thought a lot about why her death felt like such a punch in the stomach to me, someone who clearly didn't know this women at all. I mean let's be honest, these things do happen when you've lived as hard as she has so it couldn't have been a total surprise. Still, it was just such an unfortunate thing to have happen and I hated to hear it.

What I've decided about why it hit me so hard, is that aside from the obvious, it's always terrible for someone so young to die reasons, is that I just feel like some of the things that I associate with my childhood are slipping away faster and faster these days. These are memories or experiences that I took for granted that I would someday share with my child and it's like little by little the world is a totally new place and I've missed my chance to share some of those things with him/her. Does that make sense? Obviously your child is going to be of a different generation and have countless unique experiences that you aren't a part of, I get that, but there will inevitably be some overlap ya know. I guess I just had always felt like someone as young as that would be a part of that overlap.

I don't know, maybe that's stupid.

TVT

2012-02-09T15:15:00.001-05:00

Why hello Thought Vomit Thursday, my old friend. I know we've lost touch, but it's so good to see you again. You look good, have you lost weight? Let's be better about keping in-touch okay.

H is the best man at a friends wedding this weekend. This friend also served as the best man at our wedding and he's just an all around good guy. His fiance seems very sweet and young, (which is kind of annoying because I'm extremely jealous) and they are just all around a very happy couple. All of that has nothing to do with what I'm getting ready to say. What I want to say is that I just found out that I'm going to be sitting at the head table with the wedding party at the reception. I actually love the idea of not sitting by myself at the wedding while H is off doing his best man duties (although how many could there really be in all honesty), but now I'm feeling a little pressure about what to wear. I kind of feel like I need to up my game a little bit now that I know we're going to be chillin at the front of the room all night. I'm kinda hoping that the night feels like it goes on and on for them and I'm hoping it will fly by for me. In reality I suspect it will be the exact opposite. I realize that I'm way more concerned with how I look than everyone else will be, but still, it stresses me out.

We FINALLY got all of our Christmas decorations down about a week and a half ago. I know, don't judge me. As I'm pulling in the driveway today for lunch I look up at the windows on our top floor (saying top floor makes my house sound bigger than just saying upstairs so I'm going with it), and don't you know I left all of those stupid wreath hooks up. I was just so happy to get the wreaths down that I didn't bother to finish the job. Do you think I went upstairs and took them down once I noticed it, nope, sure didn't. I am seriously terrible about completing a project to it's end. I like to take it right up to the line where it's almost done and then stop. It's not a good trait.

We recently got a TV in our kitchen and I swear to you it's semi life changing. How in the heck did I spend time in there before this machine of amazing came into my life? Over the NY girls weekend a few of us were talking about how we like to act like we're on a cooking show while we cook. I lwheel my island out to the center of the room and put on a little show chopping and stirring. It's only a matter of time before I lose a digit mid act, but so far so good. I have now taken it one step further and have begun acting as though the characters on whatever TV show I happen to be watching at the time (although it's almost always tuned to Bravo) are my audience. So basically it's like I'm cooking for the Real Housewives of insert city here. It's bordering on sickness at this point.

New York, New York

2012-02-07T09:05:00.001-05:00

I'm officially back from our whirlwind girls weekend trip to NYC that I talked about here. I know, I know, the manymanymoons withdraw can be tough. I'm sure you got by though (hopefully that came across as sarcastic and not serious...that would be embarrassing if not).

So I can honestly say that I feel 100% better. I sent a text to all of the girls once we got back telling them that I feel like a new girl (at this point I should probably start calling myself a women, but I refuse to do that for fear of sounding my real age). We did a ton of sightseeing in a really short amount of time and although I technically lived to talk about it, my feet may have taken a year or two off their street life. It's a sad state of affairs when your calves hurt after walking up the subway stairs.

We did all of the "normal" NY stuff that ya do when you come here (Statue of Liberty, Times Square, Central Park, Chinatown, World Trade Center Memorial, Brooklyn Bridge, Dylan's Candy Bar, FAO Schwartz, etc.). That was all amazing and so fun to experience with several of the girls who had never been here before, but what I enjoyed the most was just the getting to talk to everyone face to face. You know how you sort of picture how someone would be in real life while you're reading their blog. You assign them an accent, mannerisms, all that stuff. It was so cool to see how my imagination matched up to the real live people. I am happy to report that everyone was seriously almost exactly how I had pictured them. I hope I get the chance to experience that with some of my other blog friends too.

I can't tell you how nice it was to be able to talk openly about all things baby (or lack of baby) and have everyone really truly understood without need for an explanation. If I were just one notch cheesier I would say that it felt like the whole weekend was a big old hug (but I'm not one notch cheesier so I won't).

Poor H has gotten an earful since I got home with endless stories and imitations. While a patient man, he may be nearing the end of his "hearing about my awesome weekend" rope. I am considering giving it a rest, but haven't committed to it yet. I suspect he is disappointed that there are no pillow fight or other types of man inspired stereotypical stories that they think go along with a girls weekend. Maybe if I make a few things up I can get another day or two of listening to my stories out of him.

I'm off to the doctor in a few so I have to make this sorta short. It's already time to update my medical forms for our adoption. It's hard to believe it was last March that we submitted those. It felt like such a milestone toward getting our profile approved and now here it is rolling around again already. I specifically remember my doctor saying that he has filled these forms about before for other people and that he often times has had to update them at the one year mark. I made a mental note that I wanted to kick his ass when he said that. In case you're wondering, I still feel that way. I won't of course...at least not until he fills out the form!

It's a full moon

2012-02-02T14:08:00.000-05:00

This post is short and sweet. I just wanted to alert everyone that when I check my traffic sources on e-blogger it says that one of the keywords searched to get to my blog is "Girl Mooners". Moonin ain't just for the boys apparently. It's a proud proud day.

The gift that keeps on giving

2012-02-01T16:57:00.000-05:00

I debated writing this post, but I feel like this community is all about sharing our experiences so in the interest of being honest I'm gonna go ahead with it. Plus, I need to vent to somebody and you guys are the best listeners!

After our adoption fell through we waited a couple of weeks before sending a letter to the birth mother (we blind copied her mother on the e-mail as well). We expressed to her that we truly understood her decision to keep the baby and think that it took a lot of courage.  We wished her well and told her that we hope that she and the baby have a great life. Before finishing the e-mail, we also told her that we felt that as difficult of a time as that must have been for her, we deserved better than to be made to sit and wait for days over Christmas with no word even though she knew that she had given birth and had decided against an adoption plan days before.

I wanted to be able to let it go, to be able to say nothing, but I just couldn't. I had to let go of some of that anger and bitterness I was feeling and I needed her to hear it.  In the end I wanted the letter to express the love we had come to feel for her and the baby and our disappointment in the way she handled things. I think it did both of those things and it definitely made me feel better.

While we didn't hear anything back from the birth mother, several days later we did here back from her mother. It was such a sweet e-mail that basically expressed to us how sorry she was and that she herself was going through a terrible time as well. Her daughter had cut ties with her on the day she gave birth (they had been texting all day and she never let on that she was in labor) and she was as shocked as we were about what had happened. She had gone to live with the birth fathers family and wouldn't answer any ones calls. It was a heartbreaking e-mail and it definitely made me realize that we weren't the only ones hurting. It really put things in perspective for us.

It was such a lesson that adoption is a truly individual decision. You can't let you mother, your friends, or anyone else talk you into making a decision that you aren't ready to make (which it seems was the case here). I hate to think how often that happens.

So we thought that was the end of the story, but this situation is just the gift that keeps on giving. We received a call this week from our agency letting us know that her lawyer bill had come in and that we were responsible for paying for it. We definitely knew that if an adoption fell through the couple who had been chosen had to pay any lawyer fees accrued up to that point. I think that sucks in a big way, but I honestly never let the fact that we could find ourselves on that side of things enter my mind.

What's hard to take is that we really believe that she never did intend to give the baby up for adoption (it turns out she even had a baby shower during that final month once we were chosen), but didn't know how to say so because of family pressure. I'm sure that must have been difficult, but the fact that we have to literally pay for that is a hard pill for me to swallow.

We are of course going to share our feelings and concerns with the agency, but I suspect that won't get us far. The policy is the policy and I find it hard to believe that they are going to make any exceptions. Plus, we don't really feel like we can take the issue to far with them because we need to keep a good relationship (for obvious reasons...we want to be placed with a baby through them). Sucking it up and paying it is an option (an $800 option), but maybe it's the best route so that we can just move on. H's first response was that he would rather take that $800 and fight to make the birth mother pay it herself (she isn't a financially strapped 15 year old, she's 21 and comes from a middle class family) than to pay one dime towards her legal fees.  I think he's softened on that now, that was his initial anger talking.

I hope this doesn't come off like I'm complaining or trying to skirt our obligations. Our situation was mild compared to some. In New York the birth mother has a 30 day grace period to change her mind. I am so well aware that a day 29 adoption falling through is like a million times worse than our situation. Still, I am feeling just a little crappy about being financially responsible for this girls actions...pissed actually. Any advice?

The circus is comin to town!

2012-02-01T11:20:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged about this yet, but it just seemed so far away until now. Well the time has arrived and this girl is getting her some crazy ass visitors this weekend. That's right, the circus is comin to town. Amanda, Katie, Kelly, Kristy, Natalie, and Josey in spirit (and Skype) will be here in two days for a whirlwind girls weekend! Watch out NYC, you don't know what's headed your way.

When we found out that the adoption had fallen through we got so much support from so many places. We couldn't believe how people stepped up for us (seriously, it blows us away). A big part of that support came in the form of these girls telling me that they were coming to sweep me away for a NYC adventure. I believe the phrase, "It's happening so accept it" was thrown around (they knew I would say, "That's ok, you don't have to" and they were right). I am soooo glad they didn't listen because I need it so much.

We have a big old weekend of hanging out (what I do best), laughing (I can only assume, I mean we think we're hilarious), crying (lets be real, I cry at the drop of a hat so there is no avoiding that), walking (which I am good at about 75% of the time), pumping (we plan to make those participats whip out their ladies in embarrassing tourist locations), and eating (which I'm good at 100% of the time).

Knowing that they were coming has really given me something to look forward to and focus my thoughts on and I can't believe it's finally here. I had hoped to lost 20 pounds, get a tan, get my hair colored, etc. before they got here, but a quick check of the mirror this morning confirmed to me that none of that has happened (I did pick a few split ends in a meeting yesterday if that counts for anything). Instead, I plan to smile nonstop while they are here and not think a thing about all of the stuff I wanted to do in preparation for their trip. I am just going to concentrate on what a lucky girl I am.

Updates are sure to follow!

In other news, my zipper has been down the better part of the day and not one person has said anything to me. It ain't pretty folks. Can't a girl get a little X-Y-Z action from a coworker, geez (that's Examine Your Zipper for those of you who are thinking, what the heck is she talking about).

Flying the friendly skies

2012-01-30T08:53:00.000-05:00

We are midway through our seemingly endless two month travel extravaganza (an overstatement if I ever heard one), and I have an observation to make. When don't I come to think of it. I keep trying to tell H that I am a student of human nature, but he is sticking to his story that I am just nosey beyond comprehension and that's why I am constantly commenting on ridiculous things.
You know that ritual when you step off a flight of thanking each of the flight attendants as you make your way up the aisle to exit the plane. They are busily cleaning up the crap left behind by slobs like me and I am trying my best to get the heck off that thing before I am infected with any more of the germs I just know are invading my body at an alarming rate. As you near the exit you see what appears to be the pilot standing in what can almost be described as a shadow near the door. He's kind of like the Marlb.oro Man for the modern age. His hat is typically removed and placed delicately under his arm (I know that there are obviously tons of female pilots, but I haven't encountered any lately so I'm going with "his" for today). He wants to make eye contact so badly you can just tell, but I swear to you I just can't do it. I don't know if it's because I'm just such a freaking weirdo or what, but I literally cannot bring myself to meet his gaze and give him the big old thank you he deserves. Instead, I mutter a thank you under my breathe looking either like a shy little girl hiding behind her mothers skirt or a delusional old women shuffling around in her house coat. Neither is good let me tell ya.

I think the real reason I can't bring myself to give this poor guy his due is that I am so ignorant to the physics behind air travel that I still think of it as magic. I don't know how in the hell else you can explain what looks to be a tube of metal throwing 200 people from one part of the United States (or the world for that matter) to another without incident. It is beyond my comprehension and therefore in my mind the pilot must be a magician of some sort.

Abrupt subject change coming...be prepared. I am pretty sure I'm running out of excuses for not being as productive as I should be at work. I have a newly painted office (yellow bitches), a new assistant (the kind that is almost a little too good and makes you feel like a total slacker), a new computer, and a new office chair. I mean what more could a girl ask for to succeed. I think the one thing that I'm lacking and turns out to be the only thing that really matters is motivation. I'm going to work on getting that back today. No more excuses, I need to get back into the swing of things.

By the way, this random post is brought to you by the makers of Fi.ve Ho.ur Ener.gy D.rink in case you were wondering.

Fill er' up

2012-01-20T15:59:00.000-05:00

I have been running around like a total nut this past week and during it all I've forced myself to stay offline for an unprecedented amount of time. It's been weird, but kind of nice.  I feel like I spend so much of my life these days staring down at my phone and I really am trying to cool it with that a bit.

We left for our visit to Ohio on Thursday night. We were so tired after work that we thought we would maybe stop at a hotel in Buffalo (about 4 hours from where we live) and then hit the road early to tackle the remaining 6 hours the next day.  We went to sleep at midnight in Buffalo and it was 42 degrees and dare I say nice out. We woke up at 7:00am to a complete whiteout snowstorm. I may or may not have shouted a few selective words to express my feelings on the situation. We are NOT weather people. I mean, we of course have weather, but we are terrible about checking it.  My mom and stepdad are constantly watching the weather channel, talking about it, strategizing about it.  We are the opposite. We like to be as unprepared as possible and typically are.  The only upside was that H is so terrified of my driving skills on slick roads that he ended up driving the entire way. Sucker!

We had such a good trip home. I miss my family so much and really hated to leave, but it really was like the equivalent of filling up a car with gas for me. I left feeling so much stronger and ready to move on, move up, whatever (which automatically makes me want to sing the theme song from The Jefferson's).

H has been a little worried about my "mental health" of late.  I put that in quotes because it makes me feel less crazy if I say it in a way that seems like I'm talking about something other than my "mental health" when in reality is actually exactly what I'm talking about. See...crazy!  The agency called to say that they wanted to show our book around and H expressed to me that he honestly just doesn't feel like I'm ready. He knows that I'm ready for something great to happen (who isn't), but he's worried that if we have another fall that it could do me in.

Until our trip to see my family I think I was leaning towards agreeing with him. I sob at the drop of a hat these days, I'm moody, I'm bitter, and I'm just kind of off (he's a lucky guy ain't he). I try to feel better, but I just get so caught up in it sometimes and then of course you feel guilty for feeling so bad when there are so many worse things in life. It's kind of a vicious cycle. After our trip home though, I really do feel like I'm ready to put myself back out there. Spending time with my niece and her big old eyes and sweet little face (which I swear to you I never quite squeezing and kissing) just reaffirmed to me that we are ready. God willing it be something great, but if it's not I feel like we can handle it.

Speaking of staying strong, Sarah over at Baby Talk could use some serious lovin today.  I have no doubt that everything is going to prove to be absolutely fine with her little lady Sam, but until she hears her doctor say what I already know, she needs some serious distractions. I had planned to entertain her through interpretive dance to take her mind off of things, but my trick knee is acting up so she is spared this time.

Getting back in the groove

2012-01-10T11:18:00.000-05:00

I had this whole plan for taking time off from posting to get my head together. Turns out, I think I need the blog to help that process along. I suspect I am still going to be a slacker (I be who I be), but I need to keep reminding myself how good I always feel after a post and reading your comments and hopefully that will urge me along.
So I survived my first official week back at work and but I was sooo ready for the weekend when it finally rolled around. It felt like the first week back at school after summer break or something. All that was missing were some new white kicks. Everyone was really sweet and there were minimal questions so that made things easy. I did have to fight off the sheer annoyance that I was sitting in this office, at this desk, behind a computer, all of which I had planned to bid farewell too for at least six weeks. I think not being annoyed by that is going to be a long-term goal though.

So just when I though, "Ok, I'm getting things under control", in walks the poor girl that had been hired to take my place while I was supposed to be on maternity leave. I am the only person at my office who does what I do, so there is not way I can just take time off without having someone to fill in for me. After they got the news that the adoption fell through they decided to let her come aboard anyway (I'm glad, how sucky would that have been for her), but it was a very awkward exchange when she popped her head into my office thinking she was checking out her new digs.  There was a very brief, "What the hell are you doing here" moment and then I quickly went into an explanation that rivaled the fast talking Matchbox car commercial guy (remember him, wasn't he on Sav.ed By The B.ell once?).  I explained to her in my most excited voice, "Well, unfortunately the adoption did fall through, but the good news is that you and I are going to work together, and we're going to get so much done, and how great will that be, and oh the progress we'll make, and...blah, blah, blah." I babbled on like an idiot for a fairly inappropriate amount of time before she finally pointed to the coat rack and said, "Do you mind if I take off my coat and scarf really quickly?" I was literally sweating when the encounter was over so I can only imagine how she felt all decked out in her winter gear. So that should be a first day to remember for her. It's worked out fine though and she really has been a big help and we really have gotten a lot done, so that's good.

H and I decided that we needed to find something to concentrate on to shift our focus a little. We wracked our brain and finally made a decision. Did we volunteer somewhere, no, did we begin a new project, no, did we choose a seven season show from Netfl.ix instant viewing to watch at all hours of the day and night, yes. We started watching Wee.ds the week we had off after Christmas and we are now literally obsessed. We have made it to season 4 and it's officially taken over my brain. It's mindless and most likely a huge waste of our time, but we don't care. We heart W.eeds. We're in too deep to turn around now and we are seeing this thing to the end.  Somehow I've managed to resist the urge to look up any spoilers (something I am oddly proud of and is completely out of character), so keep me in the dark if you watch.

We are heading to OH to visit my family this weekend. I absolutely can't wait. I am homesick beyond belief and I am 100% sure that a visit is going to make me, H, and them all feel so much better.  I just want to get my hands on my nieces little face and never let go (no seriously, that really might happen). I plan to be clingy, needy, overbearing, and a complete annoyance to her and I seriously can't wait!

Black cloud and a silver lining

2012-01-01T20:13:00.000-05:00

So for all of my big talk about turning things around after for the New Year, it's actually turned out to be kind of a rough day.  I had hoped that with the turn of the clock to midnight, I would find some perspective and a renewed energy, but that didn't happen. My sister and her husband left early this morning to head home and I think not having something to focus anymore made everything seem a little too depressing and real for me in a way I hadn't anticipated.

We have really been sort of busy in one way or the other since we got confirmation that the adoption fell though.  Although Christmas Eve and Christmas had been filled with tears from the worrying that something was wrong, getting the confirmation the day after Christmas that our instincts were indeed right was obviously the worst of it. I got a phone message from our adoption agency saying that they had bad news and to call them when we had a moment. To be honest, as this point I had come to view the particular lady from the agency who called as the grim reaper of adoption because she NEVER has anything positive to say. It's not her fault, she's just reality check women whereas I like sugar coat girl who sometimes calls. I had H call her back because honestly, I just couldn't stand to hear what she had to say.

So after they hung up at probably around 10:00am, we get a call about 45 minutes later from H's sister telling us to look out our front window. His whole family had decided to make a spur of the moment 3 hour trip to our house to surprise us with the bassinet we were borrowing from them and some other baby stuff. It's something they have never done (thank goodness because I am a control freak and DO NOT respond well to surprises like this), and they unfortunately didn't get the text from H letting them know about our bad news until they were on our street! So these poor people pull up to our house with such sweet intentions only to get smacked with this terrible news just as they arrive. I can only assume that they had the urge to scream, "Abort, Abort" when they read his text and head right back out of town, but to their credit they still continued on with their "surprise".

When H looked out the window and turned to me to say, "My sister and everyone is outside" with a stunned, please don't hate me I swear I didn't know look, I almost threw up. We had barely had time to cry, had barely had time to talk, had barely had time to try to understood what had happened. It was like the equivalent of having a car accident where the paramedic says, "I'd be glad to take you to the hospital, but first I'm going to need you to dance for me". It meant that we had to delay the reaction to our news that we were on the verge of having.

Funny side note. I had just taken a shower right before H and I got the news and after the call I had a good sob for just a minute or so with my hair wet and no make up on (obviously). I finally had a moment of defiance where I pulled away from H and said, "I refuse to be devastated and ugly, I'm going to go blow dry and straighten my hair".  Well thank goodness I did because it was just a few minutes after I finished that his family showed up narrowly missing me looking so beyond bad (should that matter, no, but it did make me feel better about the surprise visit). I'm choosing to believe that my misguided priorities were God's work who clearly knew they were coming...it could also just be that I'm super vain.

So once they arrived we both spent the day trying to keep it together and "entertain", but in reality my ears were ringing and I was going through the motions in a daze.  I know that they understood our being less than great hosts, but I felt terrible that they had come all this way only to catch a front row seat to the worst show ever. I do think it was good for H to have them there. He isn't good at showing his emotions and would never had admitted that he needed them, but I know he was happy to see them.

They left that night and the very next day my sister made plans to come for a visit. We spent a couple of days in NYC while they were here, so I feel like up until now I've just had lots of other things to concentrate on besides just totally losing it like I wanted to.

After they left today and I was able to take stock of how I'm feeling it turns out how I'm feeling isn't great. In fact, I feel pretty shitty actually. I have to go back to work on Tuesday, so I'm going to have to pull it together but today was a lay in bed in the dark and cry kind of day. It felt very self indulgent and very dramatic, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that my head weighed twice what it normally does and a black cloud was planted firmly over my bed. Maybe I needed a day like this to get it out of my system, who knows. I'm hoping that this was rock bottom day and each day from here forward will be better...I'm really hoping.

One thing that did brighten my day more than is probably rational is the Ben.gals getting into the playoffs. The definite silver lining to my day.

I'm a work in progress

2011-12-31T14:24:00.000-05:00

I really had planned to take a longer blog break, but I just couldn't not speak up. I had to let you all know how much all of your sweet words, posts, e-mails have lifted me up.  You all have shown me such support and gone to bat for me in a way that is just beyond what I could have asked for. The way you all have just sort of scooped me up and taken care of me this last week or so has gotten me through, it really has. I haven't done much responding, but I have done a ton of reading. I need to start paying it forward immediately.

So H had already planned to take the past week off from work as paternity leave. His office has a use it or lose it policy when it comes to vacation time, so the timing was going to be perfect to well, you know, use it and not lose it. Obviously things didn't go as planned, but having that week already scheduled really was so great for him (and kind of essential too I think). After we got the news, I also took the week off and we have spent the time together just sort of laying low, laying around, and laying out a game plan for reentering the real world. My sister and brother-in-law decided to keep their previously planned visit so that's been a good distraction. Turns out I can't just live my life hiding under my covers like I had hoped (and planned if I'm being honest). The thought of going back to work on Tuesday makes me sick to my stomach, but I need to suck it up and just do it I know. I may or may not take up drinking at lunchtime on weekdays, that remains to be seen.

It's definitely been a rough week, but we're getting through it. What else can you do right. Perspective has not been my friend this past week, but I'm trying to get acquainted again as quickly as possible.

When I really think about it, there are two things that I think have been making the moving on difficult. One is that I don't feel like I've gotten to say how I'm feeling to the people that I really feel like need to hear it, the birth mother and her mother.

First of all, I feel like I need to wish them well. I need her to know that I cared for her and this little guy even without knowing him and that I hope they have a great life.  The second thing I need to say is to express to them how we felt about how things ultimately shook out. How I don't understand how she could have let us sit there over Christmas knowing we were waiting on her call by ourselves, away from our families, waiting to become a family ourselves, and yet she didn't have the decency to tell us that she had given birth and had decided against an adoption plan. We would have been heartbroken to know that she had decided to keep the baby, but we would have understood it (how could we not) and we would have found a way to travel to be with our families to heal and get past it.  I really think we would have. It's just the way that she let us find out that seemed cruel to us, days after, and by way of her lawyer, that we are having trouble coming to grips with. We will though.
We did write a letter that we plan to send, but we are going to wait a few weeks before we send it. We want to be sure that she is home, has her footing a bit, and is in a clear state of mind when she gets it. I really want her to understand everything that I'm saying and I don't know that this soon after giving birth is the best time for that understanding to come about. I don't want to be nasty or biter, I just feel like I need to have my voice heard.  I don't think I need to hear back from her, I just need to know that the sent button was pushed and then I can start to let go of some of this sadness and bitterness that I have. In the end, I know that she didn't handle things in a way that was meant to hurt us, I just need to try to keep reminding myself of that. It's a work in progress.

The second thing making it hard to move on is that I still feel such a strong connection to this baby. I know that I need to move on, but I am having trouble shaking this feeling. This one I think is just going to take time. Maybe he'll just always be someone I wonder about and pray for. From his perspective it can't be a bad thing to have someone out there, someone you've never actually met, sending good thoughts your way right? I don't know how to explain or understand the connection I feel. Maybe I never will.

I told you that I had been writing letters to the baby over the last month or so. It's something I felt like I needed to do and something I thought he might like to have someday when he was really ready to know more about how he came to be a part of this family. I thought about deleting those this week, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe that's how I'll know I'm getting closer to letting it go, when I can push that delete button Who knows.

I think one of my big worries is how this experience will effect how I approach the next adoption opportunity that comes to us. I am gong to try with everything in me to go into it with a good attitude and a wish that things will turn out the way that we hope, but I'm worried. What if I can't? The truth is that we really liked this girl a lot and could see ourselves having he be a part of our life. I don't want to close myself off to feeling that way about someone else down the road. It's not fair to them, me or H. It's going to be a struggle though I think.

So to sum things up, I am sad but feeling better every single day, I am scared but know that that's all a part of the process, and I am feeling super loved. Thank you all.

Bad News

2011-12-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

We just learned that the baby was born two days ago and that she has decided to parent under pressure from the fathers family.

We are just kind of sick, angry, and numb right now. Sick about missing this baby I never even really knew, angry about the sitting and waiting that we could have been spared over Christmas even with just an email, and numb to the whole thing. In the end I just wish for this baby boy to have an amazing life, I really do.

I think I'm going to go on a little bit of a hiatus for a week or so to regroup. I just need to bury my head for a bit to feel ok again I think. We have each other and that's the good news.

Thank you all for the support...I really mean that.

Update

2011-12-26T08:13:00.001-05:00

What a crazy long couple of ~~years~~ days we've had. Nope, there is nothing to report as far as labor goes.  There is nothing new to report all 'round actually. Thank you to everyone who has checked in on me, it's meant so much.

So the deal is that typically we hear from the birth mother at the end of each week after her doctors appointments. Also typically, those e-mails are prompted by us, her friendly stalkers checking in to see how it went. I don't think we've gotten almost any unsolicited e-mails from her, but the responses we do get are super sweet and always reassuring. So pretty much we don't worry when we don't hear from her because she just isn't a constant contact kind of person (which is fine and probably even appropriate). We live for the e-mails we do get and check our phones constantly as if we're waiting on this weeks winning lotto numbers to show up or something (which we kind of are actually). So basically we are on auto pilot from one week to the next not really knowing how she's doing, is she dialated, or just generally how she's feeling. The kind of questions you would ask a pregnant friend or family member who is waiting on labor just aren't the kind of probing, sorry if I'm overstepping, kind of questions we feel comfortable asking (although she will often offer that information up). That's OK, that's the way things need to be. It also makes it so that when we don't hear from her it's not something to worry about, it's just the way it is.

We have also had a bit of trouble with her lack of consistent contact with her lawyer. Because she is going through a lawyer rather than our adoption agency, we have kind of a backward relationship where our agency doesn't have the authority to contact her, only her lawyer and we do. So if her lawyer has trouble getting in touch with her, he'll call our agency, they'll call us, and we'll pass the, "Hey, it might be a good idea to contact the lawyer" message. After we prompt her, she typically does. We mostly don't worry though, because like I said, that's just her. Plus, I think she is less than thrilled about dealing with the red tape of it all because it just makes it kind of hard to keep her emotions at bay when it's all in black and white like that.  Honestly, I don't blame her.

So on Wednesday of this week we got an e-mail from her mom. Her mom is very supportive of the adoption and just a very together and with it kind of person. We liked her a lot and felt good knowing that she would be there to support her daughter. The e-mail basically just expressed to us that she believes we were heaven sent to their family and meant to be this babies parents. She also thanked us for giving her daughter the space she needs and to understand what a hard week this was going to be for her but she believes that ultimately she will place the child with us. The e-mail affirmed to us that we should let her be the next one to make contact on her own terms.  We don't want her to write back and make us feel better out of guilt or because she feels pressured. The other thing that the e-mail did was to terrify us completely. I think we both had to know that at this point in her pregnancy she would be second guessing herself...how could you not.  Hearing it from her mom however was another story completely. I wanted to throw up actually.

Even someone who feels completely assured that they are doing the best ting for themselves and their baby by creating and adoption plan has to be having second thoughts once game-time arrives. That's just the way it is. I think avoiding her lawyer is one way she is dealing with that. I think avoiding checking in with us is another. How could you not be having those feelings. Feeling this ache to have a child, raise a child, love a child, how could we not sympathize with this young women who's hourglass to give hers up for a better life has run out. We have always felt that we would rather her work out any trepidation she has about he decision before we have the baby in our care rather than after, so this time really is necessary.

Well, her due date has come and gone and still nothing. I want to write to her so badly to ask how her appointment was (which we now know was on Thursday from her Mom's e-mail to us), to ask how she's feeling,and most of all to scream, "ARE YOU CHANGING YOUR MIND?". I can't do any of those things because this has to be a decision she comes to on her own with no pressure from us.  So we wait.

It's been a pretty sob into my pillow few days as sit by idle not knowing what's going to happen, what is happening. It's like the 23rd was the finish line that I had mentally prepared myself for and now I have to try to keep running for a finish line that may or may not come. I'm exhausted.

I know that they mean well, but if I hear one more family member tell me that if it's meant to be it's meant to be, if it's in God's plan it will happen, if you think it's tough on you imagine how she's feeling, just be patient, or if you think this is hard just wait until you're a parent

Because we weren't able to travel to be with our families this year on Christmas while we wait for word, we had a very unorthodox Christmas that involved just the two of us and an Indian food buffet (which honestly was so good). There were literally points during the day where we completely forgot it was even Christmas (which was kinda nice actually). It definitely wasn't the cozy family day we had planned sitting by the tree with our new baby, but we had each other and there are so many people out there who don't even have that. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

So to wrap things up, we just don't know right now where things stand. Things could be absolutely fine and completely on track to bring our little guy home sometime very soon, or the train could be off the rails and we just dont' know it yet. We're waiting, we're praying (for us, for the baby, and mostly for her), and we're just doing our best to get through it.

TVT (minus a Mac pic because my computer won't cooperate)

2011-12-22T09:56:00.000-05:00

I wish I had some monumental baby update today, but just lots of hanging in there going on in our parts. This little guy is bound and determined to be a Christmas baby. Of course that would be just fine by us...does a Christmas get any better than that? H had already said that if we got him before Christmas he was going right back under the tree until Christmas morning anyway so it's probably for the best. :)

I do feel like him being born so close or even on Christmas day is just going to compound an already beyond hard day for the birth mother. It is what it is as they say and we're just going to have to go with the flow and do everything we can to make sure she knows how blessed we feel.

Because I've been all consumed by baby brain I feel as if my thought vomit has been neglected. Today I plan to rectify that with some pure randomness. On to the thought vomit!

I spent yesterday cleaning up my office so that the person I've brought in to cover for me when I'm gone can sit in my office from time to time if she needs something from my computer. Poor thing had better bring a bottle of Windex with her on her first day. There is virtually no surface in my life that has not been coated with Eucerin lotion. A little back story (that sounds fairly gross, but what can ya do). I have eczema on my hands and feet (a crazy thing that is shared by my twin), but unfortunately it isn't the kinds that sort of comes and goes as some eczema can. It is the kind that stays and makes my life just a little harder than it needs to be. While Eucerin doesn't necessarily help it to go away, it at least feels good. Although it's drastically better now than it was when we were little, it's still a pain. Over the years we've tried everything (that includes but is not limited to Crisco, olive oil, and tar...all disgusting in their own ways). We even used to do this thing that we called "baggies". You would take Crisco (the grease of champions) and coat your hands and feet then put a baggie on each one and then cover each with a sock overnight. That way when you woke up your hands and feet had been saturated overnight. It was only a short term fix because as soon as we touched water it was right back to square one. That said, this girl covering for me is in danger of having her hand slip right off my mouse when she goes to use it so I hope she is prepared!

I heart my little old man neighbor. He is 93 and just the cutest most with it guy you've ever seen. He can be seen with a lawn mower in the summers and a shovel in the winter. Very little keeps him down. As you all know, I have old man love so having him as my neighbor is just too much. There are very few that can't melt my heart. To be honest, he may actually be Plan B for me should this adoption (God forbid) fall through. I took him over a pumpkin pie the other day for Christmas. I knew that he had been ill and felt terrible that I hadn't been over in such a long time. He was so thankful and told me how much it means to him when I bring him something with big tears in his eyes. I of course got teary eyed right back and could barely keep it together. I made a mental note that when this little guy enters our life one of our first outings will be next door to cheer him up.

One of my two little brothers lives in Thailand (and by little I mean 24). He went there as an exchange student for one year in high school and fell in love. He has been trying to find a way to move back ever since and just this past year he finally did. He teaches at Bangk.ok Universi.ty and absolutely could not love it more. I got a call from him the other morning that started with the words, "Hey Liz, can you call mom and find out what my medical insurance number is?". Not a good way to start a phone conversation. It turns out that he hurt his knee and was trying to see what his emergency room options were. I'm gonna let you all guess how he hurt it. I'll just wait while you think it over. OK, stumped? It turns out it was a tragic...wait for it...breakdancing injury. Yep, its an age old tale. A 24 year old professor moves to a foreign country, decides that breakdancing is his passion and before you know it a headstand turns into a trip to the emergency room. I mean really, who hasn't this happened to right. Luckily the injury has healed quickly and he's back out on the streets. May the breakdancing Gods rejoice.

Sending some love

2011-12-21T06:33:00.000-05:00

This post is all about sending out a little love to Oak. She is currently 16 weeks pregnant with a little McNugget. At her quad screen she received some upsetting (and as of yet unexplained) news that she talks about here and I know she could use all the good vibes/prayers/thoughts she can get. She's been so relaxed and low key about this pregnancy so this news is really knocking them for an unexpected loop. I have been alternating between praying that everything turns out 100% fine and praying that she can find some way to stay sane through these next few days until everything turns out fine. If anyone can it's her!

I love this girl (as do most of you, I know) and wish I could do something to make things better for her. Because it seems there is very little I can do to actually help, I will help her pass the time by serenading her with a song (insert sound of me clearing my throat here). Did you ever know that you're my heeeeeerrrroo, and everything I wish I could beeeeeee...JUST KIDDING Oak, I'll spare you the singing this time. Please note that I said this time as I reserve the right to start up again at any time!

SHHHHHHHHHHH

2011-12-21T06:20:00.000-05:00

Well, here I sit again. It's early morning and it's just me and the lit Christmas tree hanging out together. Not bad company actually. I'm feeling kind of desperate to remember these sort of lonely times because if we are lucky enough to become a family of three, I never want to take it for granted. I really want to remember what it was like on both sides. Don't get me wrong, there is a whole lotta wonderful that goes on over on this side of the fence, but at this point I am officially ready to climb over to the other side and roll arond in that green grass.
I typically go back and forth between sheer excitement to bring this little guy home and terror that it will fall through about 100 times during the day. The thing is, when it's early like this and eerily quite, I really do just feel the excitement. I think that's why I can't sleep. My mind knows that I won't want to miss these quite times and makes sure to wake me up for them (although my body doesn't appreciate it I can tell you).

I spent this morning writing another letter to the baby. It feels good to build a connection to him even before we meet. I just talk to him like we've known each other for years. To use a Gilliga.n's Island reference (which I find myself doing in everyday life way more than is appropriate), I'm the Skipper and he's my little buddy. Is that weird, to feel like we're old friends already? I know that it is, but I don't care.

H and I took our second and final infant care class last night. It was mostly about safety and illness and it did it's best to scare the you know what out of me. Every time they would say something about not letting a baby fall off the changing table or any other high surface or making sure the cord to the blinds was out of reach of the child I would look at H shaking my head in agreement as if to say, "Good to know, lets not do that OK". He would look back at me with a less than pleasant look as if to say, "OOOOOOH, so we AREN'T going to let the baby fall off the counter top or strangle himself with our window treatment's. Good, good, I'm glad we settled on this parenting technique now rather than once the baby arrives". I am such a freak.

I'm not sure if I talked about this after our first class or not, but last week they covered something called the 5 S's. The premise and idea of this was all good and I suspect it will be the only thing we remember in the desperate hours of the night when we have an inconsolable baby, but at the time, watching the video was semi-disturbing. Something about this big old bearded man all up in that babied ear with the loud hissing sound gave me straight up goosebumps. Don't get me wrong, I know that this guys is probably the shit and has forgotten more about parenting than I ever knew, but that in no way stops me from laughing. I know, I'm not nice and this stuff probably totally works, but for today it is cracking me up. You know what, sometimes you just need a good laugh. I leave you with Dr. Kar.ps "5 S"s..

Baby-Watch 2011 continues

2011-12-19T09:50:00.000-05:00

Baby watch 2011 continues! I took a little bit of a technology hiatus over the weekend so that I could really focus and get some things on my to-do list checked off. It's so funny because I went into this weekend thinking that if we did get the call this weekend I would feel pretty prepared (or as prepared as I can be anyway), but now that I reflect on this past weekend and how much I accomplished I find myself thinking what the hell was I thinking. I was so unprepared and NOW I feel prepared. Catch me in a few days and I suspect I'll be thinking ok, ok, NOW I'm ready but no way was I ready on Monday. It's all relative I guess.

I really did get a ton of stuff done over the weekend so I'm glad about that. H is renovating our attic to be a big old closet (a much needed closet) so we spent Saturday morning at L.owe's buying sheet rock and insulation. Me trying to help H carry dry wall = a Greek tragedy. There was crying, there was laughing, there was sailor style foul language, and in the end there was defeat.  We ended up having a neighbor come over to help us get it all upstairs because H had had just about enough of my theatrics (which was just fine by me because I'd had just about enough of hauling lumber like a construction worker). Now that he's got all the materials in the space it's just a matter of him trying to find the time to get the job done. I know it won't be done by the time that wee manymoons arrives, but as long as it's out of my sight I'm ok with that.  I'm not a super clean person. Just to be clear, I'm referring to dusting and vacuuming not showering.  But what I am is someone who likes to have everything in its place so having the Lo.wes loot put away made me feel so much better.

I was a cooking fool yesterday. I made a couple of turkey meatloaves, two dishes of chicken enchiladas, and vegetarian lasagna rolls all to freeze so that we can just thaw, bake, and eat over the next few weeks. I also made brownies and a couple of pies, but those definitely never made it the freezer.  Once I was on a roll I felt like I could make a few more things, but unfortunately I was out of freezer space. A deep freeze for the basement is definitely on my list of things to buy this year.

I also did a little much needed cleaning. I love having a live Christmas tree, but it really does make everything just a little messier. I am always amazed at the crazy places I find pine needles long after the tree is gone.  When it was all done I felt like a weight was lifted. I never realize how much a dirty house bogs my mind down until it's clean.

I was so happy to get to spend some time last week with Sarah over at Baby Talk. She came over so that we could catch up and exchange a few baby related items. Right about now she's probably reading the paragraph above where I talk about how I like things in there place and laughing because when she was over it was utter chaos. Our dining room table looked like an everything must go sale table at Babies R' Us. Things are definitely much improved in that area Sarah, don't worry. Now that she knows she's having a Samantha rather than a insert boy name here, she was ready to hand off a few little outfits and I was thrilled to be on the receiving end.  It was so nice to just sit and talk about all things baby and have a little freak out together.  She says it best in her post here (including a description of our first attempt at swaddling a snowman...which we mastered if I do say so myself).  Let me just say that she looked cute as can be with her baby belly on full display and I 100% love that she lives so close. Now if only we could get the rest of y'all to move closer.

Something I commented to my mom about yesterday that I can't stress enough is how just plain nice everyone has been to us. We've had people come out of the woodwork to wish us well and do things for us to get ready for this little one (that includes a lot of blogger friends) and it's just completely overwhelming and humbling.  It sure has made me think that I need to make a very concentrated effort to pay that forward. As you know, H has long thought that I was either talking to 60 year old men on the blogs who mascaraed as infertile women in order to lure in their prey or just some good old fashioned serial killers. Even H commented just the other day after I received loads of baby clothes from Natalie that her little Jack isn't using anymore and a special package in the mail from Oak (which I plan to talk more about in a subsequent post), "These are the nicest serial killers I've ever met." :) I second that!

Rubber band mode

2011-12-14T10:27:00.000-05:00

I feel a little like a rubber band that has been pulled back, pulled back, pulled back, and heaven help the poor soul who is standing in front of me when it finally snaps. I try my best to put on a good act in front of others, to play it cool. I'm all, "What, I may or may not be 9 months pregnant, it's no big deal". The truth is that I am freaking out. I keep waiting for some sense of calm to come over me, but I can only seem to find that calm in those silent moments in the early early morning when it's just me and my daydreams when my mind is too tired to really latch on to the worries but still awake enough to grasp the excitement. The rest of the day I am 100% losing my mind. I'll be happy when I can switch from losing my mind over things falling through to losing my mind over did my baby eat enough ya know. I suspect it will be equally crazy making but a whole different kind of fear.

Slowly but surely, the excitement and anticipation is outweighing the feeling of not being prepared. The majority of the stuff has been purchased, borrowed, or planned for and we are mentally coming to grips with what the next few weeks may bring. H must have been having that unprepared feeling as much as I was because he signed us up for an infant childcare class that met last night. It did my heart good to know that he took the initiative to do that and thank goodness he did. Holy unpreparedness. We learned a ton of great information, most of which I didn't even realize I was missing. As we walked in the door and looked at a room full of hugely pregnant women don't think I didn't practically yell out, "We're ADOPTING" . Even one comment along the lines of, "When are you due?" would have seen me heading for the hills so I was quick to set the record straight.

The class was super informative and sparked a lot of good conversation between the two of us about how we feel about certain newborn related topics that until now just seemed so far away that it was pointless to even discuss them. Things like circumcision. I am leaning towards wanting to do it and he's leaning towards taking a pass. I guess I just feel like you never really hear anyone who regrets that their parents did it, but you do sometimes here someone who doesn't have it done who wishes the old snip snip would have taken place before they were aware of what was happening. I don't however feel strongly enough about it to make a case (and I don't actually think there's a right or wrong decision) so I think I'll go with whatever the penis holder of the family thinks. I was sure however to make it clear that this is the one and only time that his penis will dictate the he gets to out vote me. :)

We decided to wash just a few of the little things we have for the baby like his coming home from the hospital outfit and a couple of little snuggly things and keep the tags on the rest just in case. To see H hold up a little newborn sleeper so delicately and examine the tiny snaps made my heart want to jump out of my chest. I wish I could find the right words to describe it, but the only word that I can think of to even begin to explain it is more. It's just more than I could have imagined I'd feel. If that's how I feel when he holds a dang sleeper I can't imagine how I'll feel when he finally holds our baby.

So that's where I stand. Hanging in, freaking out, moments of calm, tons of excitement, and lots of prayers. That pretty much sums it up.

Freaking out!

2011-12-13T10:59:00.001-05:00

I know I kind of left you hanging after Friday's post, but things have been like a whirlwind since we walked out of the restaurant and haven't slowed down since. So after our amazing meeting with the birth mother we headed the 3+ hours back home to attend a dinner party we had already agreed to weeks before. We spent that night concentrating on pretty much everything but what was going on around us. I think we both felt like we were in a fog.

The next day we were set to host our annual gift exchange/Christmas dinner party with a close group of friends of ours at our house. This is our fourth year hosting and every year I kind of feel like I have to sort of one up myself from the previous year. I basically act like some Stepford Wife who for 6 hours runs from person to person being all, "Can I get you a drink", "Did you try to BBQ turkey meatball sliders", "Can I get anyone some Hot Buttered Rum". My head bobbles from side to side like a total nutcase while sweat literally makes my face glisten like I just ran a marathon. H tries to get me to stop acting like a freak every year, but I just keep telling him that my crazy is all part of the tradition. This year was all of that, but now with the added thought of, "I can't believe we are going to have a baby in two weeks!!.  Get these people out of my house so that I can freak out properly" playing on a loop in my head.

H and I had decided that we would tell this close group of friends that night about everything that has been going on because up to now they had no clue that anyone was even interested in our profile let alone that we had met them and been chosen. Don't you know that just as we get ourselves kind of geared up to make the big announcement one of the other couples announces that they are 3 months pregnant. We felt terrible to steal their thunder so we waited until they were done with their stories about how they told their families, and what they thought they were having before we sprung our news on them. It certainly made for an exciting night that's for sure.

We have spent the time since getting all the essentials and just generally mentally preparing ourselves (if that's even possible) for what's to come. Sleep has been hard to come by for me since Friday so I have had several 4:00am mornings where I just sit and daydream by the lit Christmas tree.  It's been kinda nice actually.

One thing that I made sure to do during one of my sleepless nights was to write a letter to the little guy that basically just told him everything I could remember about our meeting with his birth mother and everything we've been feeling since. I know I won't have stories to share with this little guy about the first 8 months of his life (his belly life anyway), but I have vowed to make sure nothing else about him and his time with us will go undocumented. It was a very emotional letter to write, but I felt like a weight had been lifted once it was done.

So now we wait. We wait for labor, we wait to bring our little man home (God willing), we wait and try not to go out of our ever lovin minds worrying over all the things that could go wrong. In my heart I know that there is always the possibility that this could fall through. I know that it happens and it happens to people who are as sure that it will work as we are. What I also know is that I feel such a strong connection to this birth mother and the baby that she is carrying and we were meant to meet her no matter how this turns out. Just lots of deep breathing going on in my world right now.

In other news, a nasty sore throat/ear infection has taken hold of me and it is totally freaking me out. I have literally loaded up on Musinex, Emergen-C, DayQuil, Zicam, etc. You name it and I"m trying it.  I am doing everything I can to avoid bringing our baby home while wearing a freaking surgical mask.  A few things I know about myself:  I love Taco Bell, A hair straightener is my friend, I can't pull off a hat and I certainly can't pull off a surgical mask.

Lastly is a huge shout out to baby Stella who has entered the world in typical Rock Star fashion. I alluded to this good news last week, but didn't want to spill the beans until her momma, Josey at My Cheaper Version of Therapy, could make the announcement herself. J gave birth warrior women style and looked good doing it. I absolutely can't wait to meet this little lady in person.

Trying to remember to breathe...failing at it

2011-12-09T18:15:00.000-05:00

Three words...today was amazing! Of course things could still go south (as I mentally picture a compass to be sure South is actually what I meant to say). That said, we are as confident as is possible in an adoption situation that this is happening. The meeting with the birth mother was everything we had hoped and now we wait for the "I'm in labor" call. So over the next two to three weeks our baby could finally be finding his way to us...ahhhh!!!

More later. Definitely more later.

TVT

2011-12-08T09:38:00.000-05:00

I have never been so happy to see a Thought Vomit Thursday roll round (although you'd never know it by my lack of the TVT Mac Attack logo...my computer refused to let me insert it today for some reason). That means the week is trying its best to come to a close and I am one day away from our much anticipated meeting (the words much anticipated don't even begin to touch the reality). Because my power to control time doesn't seem to be in operating condition, I am going to spend the next 28 hours being as random as possible on this blog.

My friend over at A Half Baked Life had a post today where she talked about her recent mind numbing experience at the mall. It got me to thinking about my recent trip to the mall (one of many) where literally all five of my senses were simultaneously assaulted complete with a half naked 15 year old boy. There I am, minding my business...and by minding my business I mean doing my best to stay as far away from the middle of the mall aisle as possible so as not to hear from some cute young thing that my hands really could use some Dead Sea moisturizer, or that my hair really could have that bounce and curl that I've always seen on TV. Yeah, no thank you. Umm, I said NO THANK YOU. Anyway, I'm walking along and I begin to approach Ab.ercrombie and F.itch. I swear to you, that store is basically the equivalent of a jacked up car with hydraulics and a booming sound system in a Walmart parking lot. It's offensive to me in every way and yet there I am, forced to make the choice. Do I move away from Aberc.rombie and it's layers of terrible and towards the vultures at T-Mobile trying to sell me their latest inferior phone or do I move closer to what basically amounts to a rave for sex starved teenagers taking place in what must be a perfume bottle based on the fumes escaping out the front door. It's times like those that I am truly reminded that the meaning of Christmas has definitely gotten lost in the shuffle.

I have a long history of wearing inappropriate footwear. I will balance on stilts while while maneuvering over icy terrain (a.k.a. our driveway), before I will make the "safe" choice. Well today was no different and had there been a video camera on me we would have the Funniest Home Video award money to prove it. We were the recipients of our first real snow of the season and thus begins the annual winter of my discontent. I don't want to be one of those people who complains because it's cold out, who cries when it snows, who acts as though they are literally surprised to see precipitation (a word that if repeated over and over starts to sound really weird) falls from the sky all the while living in a state that is known for such weather related antics. The problem is, I AM one of those people. I would cool it with the complaining, but I know you all would never want me to go changing who I am so I'm gonna keep it up....for your benefit of course.

Do you all watch The N.ew Gir.l? If not you need to get on that ASAP. It makes us freaking laugh out loud every week and is just edgy enough to keep your attention. Not that we're some sophisticated audience who is hard to please or anything mind you, but still, it's a funny show and if I were in charge of your DVR's you'd all be watching. Actually, can I be in charge of your DVR's? Just checking.

I have a friend with some big big news to share this morning, but because I want her to be the one to tell I'm gonna try to keep my big ol mouth shut until then. I will just say this...I am beyond excited for her. Ya hear that, I said beyond. That means the line for excited is here, and I am on the other side of it. Ok, that's all I'm gonna say.

Lastly, thank you all so much for your sweet words of encouragement yesterday. I even heard from a few new readers which I absolutely love. Your support is amazing (a completely overused word but so true in this case).

Lots of action in my world

2011-12-07T13:02:00.000-05:00

I have been a total blog slacker, and the reason is two fold. The first reason is that my office has been crazytown. My job is so deadline driven and just when you think you're caught up you get hit with another and it's almost always a fire drill situation (who's isn't though).

The other reason is a little more complicated. So just before we left for Hawaii we learned that our Adoption Agency would be showing our profile to a birth mother. That happens fairly often and we have kind of been able to put it out of our mind at this point when we get word about it because so far nothing has ever really come of it. Clearly, or else you'd see a baby up in this joint. Plus, this situation is a little different because this women came to the agency via a lawyer so they don't have the normal interaction with her that they would have with someone who came directly to them. They are more of a middle man in this case.

We learned just before Thanksgiving that this women wanted to have a Skype "date" with us. Well as anybody who has Skyped knows, you feel and often times look like a complete ass. I was super worried about how we'd look, sound, etc. The "staging" that went on was comical for sure complete with a dry run the night before. When it came time for the actual call we had whipped ourselves into a frenzy that included a little crying at work; the whole nine yards. I don't think I can call a monumental event monumental if I don't find myself crying in the bathroom stall at some point during the day.

So the deal is that ANYTHING could happen. Things could fall through, she could change her mind now, she could change her mind at the hospital, she might ultimately decide to pick someone else. All that could happen, but the good news is that the call was amazing! She was very very sweet and just really down to earth. She is 21 and she seemed very self aware and very informed about adoption and what it can mean for a family like ours. She has family experience with adoption and really understands the process and the emotions that can come with being an adopted child.  We were blown away by how self aware she was. Her mom popped into the frame for a second to say hi (and cry a little along with me of course), but mostly it was just her asking us a few questions she had prepared.

I did my best to try to explain to her what an amazing gift this is for our family and that no matter how this winds up that things are going to be OK for her and us, but had a little trouble getting it out because that's when the tears started (on my part). She seemed to really appreciate hearing it though.

When the call was done we had exchanged contact information and we spent the next few minutes looking at each other being all, "Did she pick us...I'm not 100% sure, but I think she did". :) We do know that she hasn't met with anyone else and doesn't have plans too and that our book was the only one she liked so that's a great thing. We made a date to meet this Friday in person. We are trying so so so hard to keep our craziness in check, but are feeling very confident so it's hard.

The kicker is that she is due in less than three weeks. In her own words, "I don't have a lot of time to mess around here".  Amen to that. :)

I wish I could tell you more (actually, I wish I knew more to tell), but I think we have to wait until Friday to really lose our minds completely. The truth is though, this feels really good to us and right now we are just going to spend our time alternating between being really hopeful, really negative, really excited, really scared. You name it and we plan to spend time feeling it.

Stay tuned for more after our meeting on Friday. Until then, any prayers, good thoughts, good energy you are willing to throw our way are truly truly appreciated.

Here come the Judge

2011-12-01T08:26:00.000-05:00

I feel like it's been forever since I've made time to blog. Things at work have been nonstop since we got back from vacation. It was so worth it, but it definitely came with a price work wise.  I absolutely hate leaving the house before H gets up in the morning (the sun too for that matter), and getting home long after it's dark. That mixed with the shorter, colder days makes me a little less than pleasant to be around right now. The good news is that it all has a timeline and I know that things will slow down again soon.

One little wrench in my work plan this week was the addition of a charming little task called jury duty. I think by telling you all what a crappy juror I would be just a few weeks ago, I basically dared the universe to bring it on. Well bring it on it did.  I really shouldn't complain though because it couldn't have been easier or more painless. It was more the anticipation of how I was going to work that into my already pull my hair out schedule that was enough to make me act like an ass the night before. In the end, I went down to the courthouse and after two hours was told that the case we were there for had been settled and I was free to go. Basically we got a see ya in six years wave from the judge and off we went.  I know it's my civic duty and all that (God bless the people who actually do get choosen to serve), but I'm not going to lie, I was 100% ready to cry combined with a boob flash if necessary to get out of it. I am happy to report that I didn't have to unleash those particular weapons.

I know this was kind of short (and not so sweet what with the boob talk and all), but work is calling. I am sending out three big deadline driven proposals today so tomorrow I should be back in full force.  If it's any consolation, my blogging isn't the only thing suffering...my hygiene may or may not have taken a hit as well. I'll be glad to get back to my old (clean) self.

Oh what a night

2011-11-28T09:19:00.002-05:00

Oh how I do love me some black Friday shopping. I will preface this story by saying that I didn't have any crucial purchases that I needed to make (using the word crucial loosely of course to describe things like an X-Box or DVD player rather than the traditional kidney or heart), I didn't buy anything that night that I couldn't have bought not only the next day at the same price, but probably even today if I wanted to, and I didn't have a strict game plan for where I needed to be at any given time.

Having said that, I shopped like my life depended on it from midnight until 7:00am on Friday morning spending money I had and even a little that I can only hope to have soon, all because it's fun to me and (as wrong as it may sound), it gets me in the Christmas spirit. I was solo this year, but honestly, it was kind of nice being on my own schedule.

There were times during my solo shopping trip that I swear to you my ankles even got weak (which you would think would give me pause as to the necessity of said shopping trip, but it didn't), but I muscled through Rocky Balboa style and lived to tell the story. Just to be clear, I didn't throw back raw eggs or anything, but I did go to town on a Skinny Vanilla Latte from Starbucks which in my mind is the modern day equivalent. I also will point out that even in my over caffeinated state, I never once felt the need to utilize pepper spray in my quest for an item like that charming shopper in California.

It's funny how skewed your judgement is once the sun goes down. I found myself asking, "Do Grandma and Papaw need and eight slice toaster with the ability to toast both hot dog AND hamburger buns?" The response, "Yes, I think they do. I think they do". There are far fewer more humbling acts than doing the walk of shame past the hair salon, past the portrait studio, avoiding eye contact with the kids department, taking a right at the optical department and taking your place in the JCPenny customer service line to return said impulse buy the following week. Far fewer.

When I left H at home on Thursday night at around 11:30pm he was watching TV on the couch. When I got home as the roosters were crowing (metaphorically of course), he was holding vigil on that very couch (with his mouth open and eyes shut of course) looking more like someone who had sent their daughter to the prom for the first time rather than sent their wife on a goalless shopping mission in the wee hours of Thanksgiving night.

The moral of the story is that it doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be logical, sometimes you just gotta be a little crazy and do what feels good.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving (not very original, but...)

2011-11-23T10:00:00.000-05:00

I have big plans for decorating the you know what out of our house this weekend. You know I normally wouldn't throw out a you know what rather than the actual word, but seeing as how it's decorating for Christmas it seemed super inappropriate to link the two. Speaking of inappropriate, that's how over the top I plan to go with my decorating.

My mom can decorate for Christmas like nobodies business so the bar for me is set kinda high and every year I do my best to at least come close (and always fall short). I think my favorite holiday tradition of hers is the artwork display. I am using the word artwork very very loosely let me assure you. Basically she has saved all of her kids Christmas artwork from over the years (reindeer made out of brown paper bags, Santa Claus faces made out of white paper plates with a construction paper beard, etc) and she hangs them around the door frames all over the house.   Because there were five of us kids, there is no lack of genius to display let me tell ya. Over the years some of the glitter has worn off of the snowman's scarf and Santa has lost a little of the redness from his cheeks, but the magic of seeing the display is definitely still there for me.

That "magic" is why it's so hard to alternate Christmas with mine and H's families. Because our families live so far away from us and each other, we spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other alternating the following year.  I love his family and they love having us, but it seems to get a little more difficult to be away from home each year and this year is no exception. What we have decided is that this year, rather than go home to OH for Thanksgiving, we will wait and go home the weekend before Christmas so that even though we won't be there on the actual day, we can at least get to experience some of the Christmas traditions I love. I know that when you live far from home you are inevitably going to have to miss some things, but it doesn't make it any less sucky.

All of that is to say that we are sticking around our house for Thanksgiving this year and I plan to take advantage of the time at home to go to town decorating wise. I also plan to cook a completely embarrassingly huge Thanksgiving meal.  I don't care if it is just the two of us!  That meal will include a 16 pound turkey, all the casseroles I love (cheesy potato, green bean, sweet potato, etc), rolls, stuffing, etc.  This year the term "Go Big or Go Home" really is holding true. H thinks I'm crazy, but he knows it's important to me so he's staying silent (this ain't his first rodeo with my crazy).

I have been thinking a lot about you ladies out there who have little ones and how excited you must be to finally get to share your holiday traditions with them and create memories of your own. I myself plan to conduct my own little dress rehearsal for the time when I can do the same with my kids. After all, practice makes perfect right.

Award Time!!

2011-11-22T15:34:00.000-05:00

You know how I do love me some attention and both Sarah at Baby Talk and Shannon at Solo Pronto have just given me some by presenting me with the Liebster Award. This is just one of the many reasons why I love both of these girls. Word on the street is that the word Liebster means "beloved" or "favorite" in German. It's ironic because these two bloggers fit that description for me exaxtly.

Shannon is fun, sarcastic, loves her family like crazy, and is just really appreciative of what she's found here on the blogs (as am I). We have a ton in common and I took to her right away. She's one of these people who you can e-mail a quick comment and almost immediatly she'll have responded with a well thought out reply ten times longer than what you wrote and ten times more insighful. I love that about her.

Sarah is sensitive, sweet, always there when I need her, and thankfully pregnant with her first little one after her first round of IVF as we speak. She also has the distinction of being the first blogger that I ever met in real life. I am happy to report that not only did she not chop me up into little pieces as my husband predicted she would (which I'm really glad about because I hate to be wrong), but she was just as great in person as she is in the virtual world. That was all the award I need from her, but I'm still happy to get this one.

The best part of getting an award (besides the attention of course) is getting to pass it on. Each of the bloggers below are Liebster (see how I did that there), and I personally think they don't get nearly the attention they deserve.

Kelly at Little Looman Log
Mrs. H at My Life Unscripted
Amy at Chapters
Baby Hopes at Chasing our Stork
Rebecca at Pink Lipgloss & Prenatals

By the way, am I the only one who pictures a blog award kind of like a badge on a girl scout sash? Maybe we should look into that.

In case you don't know the drill I've posted the instructions below.

Copy and paste the award on your blog
Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers

TVT - Hawaii Edition

2011-11-17T20:50:00.001-05:00

If ever there was an appropriate time for Thought Vomit Thursday, a download of our recent trip to Hawaii is it. I have so many little stories and observations (being the student of human nature that I am) and a TVT is just the perfect place for that. We had such a good time and believe it or not, I truly found myself in an honest to goodness state of relaxation and at times completely overwhelmed by how beautiful everything was.

I won't give you a full blow by blow of our trip because you know how these things work. To tell you about our flight, cab ride, etc. kinda feels like the equivalent to instructions telling you to "Leave a message after the beep". Ooooohhhhh, you leave the message after the beep huh...thanks for this completely new information. As you can see the beauty of Hawaii didn't zap the sarcasm completely out of me, but it definitely made me have to work harder to locate it.

I am typing this about 6 hours shy of the sleep I require to be coherant so please excuse the typos. I don't have an excuse for my other posts, but I'm going with the sleep story for this one. Here we go:

I think there should be a rule that if you are in the middle seat on an airplane with someone on either side of you (although I assume you knew what I meant by middle seat), you should automatically get the arm rests. The middle seat is universally knows as the sucky seat and if both the people to your left and your right decide to take both of their arm rests you are left restless...so to speak. They always have the option of having at least one arm rest whereas you are kind of at their mercy. You'd like to think the human contract we all should abide be would be enough, but apparently it needs to be in writing somewhere. Glad we got that cleared up.

So we choose possibly the busiest most "You're so not the most important person in the room" week to visit Hawaii because we inadvertently booked our trip while APEC (Asia-Pacific Economic Conference) was in town. That meant that world leaders from all over the well, world, were visiting. That includes my boyfriend President Obama (not to be confused with my other boyfriend Mark-Paul Gosselaaror or Leon Hall of the Cincinnati Bengals) and Hilary Clinton, both of whom were staying at our hotel. Some people were super annoyed by the inconvenience of the traffic and restrictions they brought with them, but we choose to just think it was so cool to be so close to them. I am of the opinion that if you go into something with that I’m going to be inconvenienced and annoyed attitude you pretty much always will be. We were so close to Hilary at one point that I swear I could have swiped the headband right off her head. I will say this though. Something about the secret service eyeing you gives you that whole shoplifter mentality. You actually start to convince yourself that maybe you did have some sinister plot that they knew about but you just hadn't admitted to yourself yet. I was literally going overboard overcompensating to show that I WASN"T a nut job which in-turn made me look even crazier.

Someone who you normally wouldn't look twice at on the street automatically becomes hot once they enter into a game of beach volleyball. It's like the equivalent of a mask or a uniform. I can't explain it, I can only enjoy to phenomenon. :)

I've talked about the fact that 11:11 is pretty important to H and I (in a very junior high kind of way). We've been talking for years about what we'd be doing on that date at exactly 11:11 and were so excited when we realized we'd be on vacation when the big day finally came. We talked endlessly about where we'd eat at that night, what we'd do at that moment, etc. As it turns out the big guy made that decision for us. That's Obama, not God just to be clear. It turned out that because his motorcade was scheduled to arrive at the hotel at just about that time we had little to no options for where to be when the moment arrived because of the restrictions. So after all the talking and planning, we ended up watching him drive past us with the restaurant staff at a local diner near our hotel. It was actually kind of cool because it gave a sense of importance to a moment that up until then we thought that only we could feel.

I had one of the five best foods I've ever had in my life on this trip. It was BBQ Baja Style Corn-on-the-Cob. It was at a little farm stand we found when driving up the coast and let me tell you, I literally talked about it to no end the rest of the trip. I mean how often do you have one of the five best things you've ever eaten in your life. What, like four other times right? I totally scammed the ingredients and plan to try to make it at home, although I suspect that maybe the experience was partly what led to the great taste. Time will tell cause I plan to get all over some Baja corn next week.

I had what had to be the most amazing massage while we were away. You know when something starts with a foot soak and ends with "just charge it to the room" it's been a good experience. Although I must say, this massage brought to light something I've known for years but only have to confront about three months of the year. Shaving ones knees properly and completely requires a skill set that I do not possess. I literally spent like 15 minutes working on those knobby little bitches and don't you know that while I'm sitting there waiting to be called back I spy three hairs that look they were plucked from Tom Hank's beard in Forest Gump. It's as though they were raising their fist at me after years of oppression. You've won the battle hairs, but I shall continue to fight the war.

Note to self...hold down your new summery dress in a stiff wind. Thank you for your cooperation.

You know that song where everyone yells out, "TEQUILLA". Well apparently I'm willing to yell that out anywhere I happen to be regardless of my surroundings or who I might be with (which was nobody in case you were wondering). Thank you Macy's employees of the greater Waikiki area for not politely asking me to leave your lovely establishment.

H had a good four or so days to relax at the end of the trip, but he had to work about 12 or so hours each of the first 5 days we were there. That left a whole lot of time for me to just wonder around on my own and relax. That is something I am actually awesome at if I do say so myself. I will say this though, lonely in Hawaii is still lonely. I never wanted to complain (because I'm not an idiot), but something about him working such long hours accompanied by the 5 hour time change was a little unsettling to me and I definitely was glad once he wrapped things up. I like to know I can get my momma on the phone whenever I want and the restriction of having her be asleep when I had so much to say killed me.

Even though H had to work so much in the beginning I still tried to cute myself up every day regardless of who was going to see it. Eventually though I started to think about that old saying If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it, does it make a sound? In my case it was, If a girl looks cute in Hawaii and there is nobody there to take a picture of it did it even really happen?

One thing I'll say about those Hawaiians is they do not mess when it comes to jay walking. They straight up stand on the curb until the little sign says walk even if there isn't a car in sight. The first couple of days I just kind of went with the flow even though everything in my NY blood was telling me "go, go, go". Once I felt a little more, "I'm a local, didn't you see me yelling Tequila at Macy's yesterday", I started to get a little more nervy. That is until one girl informed me, "You might be able to get away with that on the Mainland, but here you'll get a $150 fine". Ok then, wait with the rest of you rule following folk I will. Honestly, it's the way it should be everywhere, but it kinda hurt me to do it.

As Sarah at Baby Talk had warned me, Spam is serious business over there. I have 6 solid pounds of weight gain to prove it.

As you all know, I like to visit any and all emergency rooms at least once when in new (and old come to think of it) surroundings. There I was getting ready to spray myself with a little Happy Perfume (ironically named as it turns out) and don't you know that bottle slipped right out of my hands. As it moved towards the bathroom floor tile my mind said JUMP, but my body said, DO NOTHING. Well my mind won that little fight and I watched as that bottle broke and then a large piece of glass shot right up and took a good chunk out of my leg. It was one of those happened so fast but still in slow motion kind of moments. I did the whole, limp around while breathlessly muttering to myself, "You're ok, you're ok" things. Another note to self...perfume in an open wound hurts like hell so tried to avoid it at all costs. After washing it out under the bathtub spout for about 20 minutes in between bouts of trying not to pass out (something I do for even the most minor of cuts) I tied that mother up Die Hard style with a washcloth and a tank top (a white one for added effect) and convinced myself it was going to be ok. Once H got "home" he did his best to convince me otherwise and so off to the doctor I went the next morning. I got the nicest most I don't want to ruin your vacation doctor who agreed to just glue it shut as best he could rather than stitch it, wrap it up tight, and give me some serious antibiotics to fight off any crazy ocean nastiness that might want to creep up in there. I was so happy to have gotten it looked at, but mostly happy to have the answer to the age old question of how am I going to injure myself this trip.

You know I love me a good spray tan, but I can now safely say that I am the first person to actually get progressively whiter as her vacation went on. So much so that I found myself a little spray tan place on the island and had her go to town to finish out the second leg of the trip. I had promised myself that I would escape this little island getaway without a sunburn and I am happy to report that I was successful.

It is a well known fact that I am not one for adopting the slang of wherever I happen to be visiting and H totally knows that. I feel like such an ass and a complete phony and I just can't bring myself to do it. That's why whenever he got the chance H would say to anyone who would listen (as loudly as possible of course) "Mahalo", "Aloha", or his favorite, "We're heading back to the Mainland on Tuesday". All the while giving me a sideways grin and kind of shaking his head as he said it. This little routine never got old to him and he would just crack himself up let me tell ya. He kinda cracked me up too, but I didn't want to tell him that so as not to encourage this behavior.

We had a chance to visit Pearl Harbor and meet four or five of the veterans who were there that horrible day. They were on hand to tell stories and sign autographs. It was the most surreal feeling to look into the eyes of these men now in their 90's and honestly still see these boys who had been there that day. It was so moving and something I'm so glad we got to experience. I've told you all about my old man love, but this took it to a whole other level. How fitting to get to do that so close to Veteran's Day.

There is so much more to tell and I'm sure I'll think of a million more things over the next couple of weeks, but this list is a good start I think. I'll also post some pictures I promise.

As is the measure of any good vacation, I had completely forgotten my computer password when I returned to work. I take that as a sign that the relaxation mission was accomplished.

I'm back!

2011-11-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

Aloha (a term which as it turns out is amazing to hear when you're stepping off a plane to begin a vacation and annoying as hell when you're headed home)! I can't believe how fast our time away went, but I know that all good things must come to an end. It ain't a saying for nothing I guess. I think the biggest surprise to me was just how freaking beautiful it all was. H looked at me at one point and said, "This is actually a little overwhelming". He was so right.

We had such a great time and I have so many stories to tell you, but I am back at work this morning operating on less than 4 hours sleep so I think I'll have to save a more coherent post for tomorrow. I just wanted to check in to let you know that we had such a great time, and lived to tell the tale.

I promise that my next post will be full of lots of details, but until then let me share with you what Hilary Clinton, the emergency room, 11-11-11-11-11, President Obama, the most amazing corn-on-the-cob you ever ate, and five pounds of weight gain have in common...my vacation!

I am way more behind on blog reading than I had anticipated and I can't wait to catch up with everyone!

Aloha and Anniversaries

2011-11-04T08:42:00.001-04:00

So at this time tomorrow I'll be flying the friendly skies on my way to Hawaii. And by flying the friendly skies to Hawaii I mean forced into a deep sleep by my old friend NyQuil in order to avoid the panic attack I tend to get when stuck in a confined space with other people who I can't control. I feel like the 11ish hour flight there won't be so bad (it's direct and you know I love me an airplane TV), but the ride back I anticipate being a little rough. You can put up with anything when you're looking forward to the destination, but once the vacation is over I fear I'm going to go all Bon Qui Qui on everyone's ass. In case you don't know Bon Qui Qui, check out this clip.

http://youtu.be/jZkdcYlOn5M

Anytime someone in my family does something the other doesn't like (which is all the time), we immediately yell out, "Secerity, Secerity". If you haven't watched the video yet you have zero idea what I'm talking about.

Because the reason we get to go on the trip is so that H can finish up work on a project, he'll be stuck working a good amount of time. That means I'll be on my own quite a bit during the day. I wish he didn't have to work so much (although he's being such a good sport about it), but the upside is that I have the ability to flip a switch in my personality to become one of those people you see on the news every so often who are lifted from their house with a crane because they sat in front of their TV and ate until they literally become one with the couch. It's a unique ability, but I think it will come in handy for the sitting by the pool with nothing but a People Magazine and my thoughts for the hours on end situation I have before me. It's a skill I've honed over the years and at this point in my life I'm a near expert.

Hopefully I won't have trouble keeping up with everyone's blogs there or posting, but I probably won't be around as much as normal until the 15th when we return. I know, I know, how ever will you go on. Dry your tears ladies...I'll be back. I'm going to try to just relax and put all things baby and work out of my mind as much as possible.

Having said that, the adoption agency is supposed to meet with the potential birth mother that they called about a couple of weeks ago. The meeting should be taking place on the 8th of November, so I suspect we'll get a call or e-mail at some point during the trip letting us know how that went. The most they will tell us is that she has narrowed down her choice and wants to meet with us (or not), so I feel like hearing from them while on vacation won't be a big interruption or anything. She isn't due for four months and I know they like the parents to wait until a little closer to time to make their decision so our trip should be relatively life changing news free...which I'm kinda thankful for.

Our departure on this much needed vacation also happens to fall on my one year anniversary of blogging. One year...is that all? I guess it feels like so much longer because it felt like so much had already happened at that point infertility wise. Plus, up until then I had logged some quality blog stalker hours before finally taking the plunge and starting one of my own. Starting this blog was like beginning with a new therapist for me (only way more beneficial and way less expensive). That's all because of you guys and I can't thank you enough.

Catch ya all on the flip!

Oh yeah, any of you ladies who feel like you might have the urge to give birth while I'm gone should just cross your legs real hard until I get back ok. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

TVT

2011-11-03T09:32:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna vomit the hell out of this Thursday. By "vomit the hell" I actually mean three bullet points so I may have overstated things.

So my boss just came into my office holding an antique sword (history is kind of their jam around here) that they had found at a project site we are working. Upon seeing this, another guy naturally goes to grab a sword from his office. Now in almost any other office any normal person would be thinking, "Why the hell do they have freaking weapons in an architecture firm,", but here it's just like, "Yeah, he's got a sword...what about it". Anyway, once they are both back together, swords in hand, they both pull them out of their, what?, holster I guess. As they get nearer to each other, my boss innocently yells out, "Don't cross swords, it's bad luck". Well I immediately did what can only be described as a sitcom worthy spit take while they both looked at me like I was an idiot having no idea what was so funny. So yeah, note to self...crossing swords is forbidden in my office.
Aaaaaand, I peed my pants the other day. Amy at Chapters recently did a post about pushing it to the limit when it comes to bathroom breaks. Her post actually had a much deeper meaning than this little story, but the topic was basically ripped from the headlines of my life. I'm a wait until I pee my pants kind of girl from way back. This particular story takes place on the very night of her post. I had to go to the bathroom when I left the office, but you can understand that making the long lonely trek up the 10 stairs that separates me and the bathroom would have just been too much, so off to my car I went for my 15 minute drive home. On my drive home my sister called and we start in talking about who knows what. I do remember thinking that I didn't want to interrupt her story. So just as I'm putting my key in the door to enter my house I all of the sudden realize that, "Oh shit, I'm not going to make it". I make the mad dash by doing that ever so attractive leg cross run, let cross run, leg cross run, and I pull up my winter coat (cause it's apparently already time for freezing weather in upstate NY and there wasn't time to take it off) and down my pants come. So I'm sitting there talking to my sister (doing my best to muffle the sounds of what's going on) and experiencing the relief of having made it to the restroom and I start to think that something feels off (you know, besides the whole talking on the phone while peeing thing). I look down and don't you know that while yes, I had gotten my pants down and my coat up, my underwear had suffered a much different fate. Yep, peed right through my underwear. So it's at that point I tell my sister I have to go. Now, you'd think I could have done that before I pissed myself, but hindsight is 20/20 I guess.
Since we're already discussing completely inappropriate topics having to do with my underwear, here's another one for you. I recently realized that I don't own one pair of underwear that isn't a G-String (not sure if that word needed to be capitalized, but it seemed important so I went with it). It's not because they are sexy, because actually they're fairly gross when you think about it. It's just that I have no tolerance for a visible line that draws attention to that part of my body. Slowly but surely over the years as I've replaced old pairs of draws (in the vain of Will Smith) with newer ones, I've just totally weeded out any other type. At this point, to wear anything else would almost feel like wearing boxers or something to me. Anyone else?

Our Song

2011-11-02T16:04:00.002-04:00

I just read Mrs. H's post over at My Life Unscripted about the story of how she and her husband met and why they choose their wedding song (At Last by Etta James). She got the idea from Mama Kats writer's workshop.

I think it's such a good idea for everyone to share their wedding song so that we can all be sentimental ~~nosey~~ together. :)

Our song was Feels Like Home by Edwina Hayes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJe3osgk8Vc&feature=related . I had heard the song several years before and remember daydreaming to myself during a particularly down time in my life that someday I would love to be able to dance to that song at my wedding. That was long before I met H and long before I thought I would ever find someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

A few years later after we met, fell in love, got engaged, yada, yada, yada, we started the never ending task of planning our wedding. My mind was so full of other details that I completely forgot about the song and what it had meant to me. One day we were at the movies and the song started playing during a particularly dramatic scene in the film. All at once it all just rushed back to me. How sad I had been when I first heard that song, how lonely I had felt, how desperate I was to find someone to love and I just started bawling like an idiot. Poor H thought I had lost my mind and did his best to try to scoot over in his seat so as not to be identified by the other movie goers as being with the now historical women next to him. :) After the movie I explained the significance to him and after lots of tissues and deep breathes (all by me of course), he agreed that we had definitely found our song (we had also found that I was apparently semi-emotionally unstable, but what can ya do).

I love this song more every time I hear it because every word is just so true. What was your song?

Riding a high

2011-11-02T10:40:00.000-04:00

I've gotten in the habit of drinking decaf coffee over the last year or two (for obvious baby making reasons). Because I used to be such a caffeine fiend I never even realized that it had any effect on me I was all, "I don't even notice it, I must be immune to it". I was a double fisted drinker every morning. A Diet Coke in one hand and a large Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Coffee in the other, alternating between hot and cold until lunchtime. Yep, I'm one classy girl I tell ya.

I always assumed that because I didn't feel any different after drinking them that I was not susceptible to it's charms.  Well today I stopped at Starbucks in our local Target before heading into work.  You know, so that I could spend money I don't have on things I don't need. Well apparently I forget to ask for a decaf. Let me tell you something, I am bouncing off the freaking walls. I'm walking with a little spring in my step, talking a little louder than normal, and having the most amazing ideas.

1. Create a "before baby" list filled with all the things we should do before we get ourselves a real live living breathing baby
2.  Create a prioritized list of household projects that we want to get done in the next year
3.  Complete projects at work I've been putting off for months, well lets not get crazy.

I tell you I'm feeling like a machine this morning and yet I am fully aware that it's all a mental mirage caused by the infusion of my old friend Mr. Caffeine.

It reminds me of the good old days in college when I used to (very irresponsibly) take Ephedra for weight loss. That was a few years before I had any self awareness of my own health, and just a few years before it was finally banned for leading to heart attachs, strokes, and other terrible side effects. I definitely think I dodged a bullet there because I remember taking this drug with no appreciation for the recommended dosage and thinking that the reward waaaaaay outweighed the risk (no pun intended).

Back then I would literally keep a pad of paper beside me after taking my morning dose so that when a brilliant idea would hit me I could write it down immediately before the next inevitable life changing thought came around. At that time I honestly believed I could have bartered an agreement with other nations with the end result being world peace. Of course when I would look back on some of my "earth shattering" ideas through less hazy eyes once my diet pill high had worn off they were basically the ramblings of a nut. Oh the good old days.

Anyway, right now I'm going to ride this caffeine high out until the inevitable crash that's heading my way around 1:00pm. Of course you never know, world hunger would be on it's way to being cured this very morning.   I'll keep you posted.

Is it really November already?

2011-11-01T10:25:00.000-04:00

How is it possible that I live in a major US city, but they somehow can't get their act together enough to come up with actual set and posted trick 'o treat hours. Basically the kids start whenever the heck they want and end whenever the heck they want (and why shouldn't they...there is nobody to tell them that party has ended). We were still getting knocks on the door at 9:00pm last night from teeny tiny kids even though our lights were out.  Well you know I can't resist opening the door to a little scarecrow. It's so odd (and fairly dangerous to be honest for both them and me). Am I crazy that most cities have set hours?

We had a ton of cute kids though and after a mid evening candy run by H to grab a few additional bags, we felt like the evening was a success. I am going to say that my favorite costume was a cute little Michael Jackson circa 1988 (think Pepsi Commercial) era) and I am happy to report that we didn't have even one morbid Casey Anthony, Michael Jackson with an ax to the head, Steve Jobs, etc costume come a knockin  Plus, I think that every single kid said thank you (which I love) and were super sweet when asking for their loot. All and all a really fun night.

I spent the rest of the evening doing my best to be super crafty. Normally at Christmas every year I use Raffia as my ribbon for wrapping and I typically attach an ornament to each gift (cause that's how we roll in our house). Well this year I have decided to use strips of burlap as the ribbon and use a little piece of twine to attach dried apples and orange slices for decoration. I also use the dried fruit in my wreathes and to decorate my shelves by laying them in the greenery. They smell good and look homey. Yeah, I'm crafty...whatcha think about that.

Anyway, I started drying my fruit last night because it takes FOREVER to do and they shrink down to nothing so it takes a ton of them to look like anything. You just slice them very thin and let them soak in lemon juice for a few minutes.  After laying them on a foil covered cookie sheet you bake them at about 200 degrees for approximately 3 or 4 hours until the edges start to crinkle and they are no longer wet to the touch. I also flip them every hour or so for even coverage. It's super easy and I love the way they smell (especially after I spiced up the apples with a little pumpkin pie spice or Cinnamon before baking).

I know that Christmas is still forever away, but I start getting panicky at this time every year for some reason about running out of money and time. You would think that panic would jump start me to start buying some gifts to clam myself down, but it doesn't. I just causes me to buy more decorations which in turn causes me to have less money to spend on actual Christmas presents. It's a vicious cycle I tell ya. Time is moving too fast!!

Going Overboard

2011-10-31T09:29:00.000-04:00

Halloween has to be a practice specifically aimed to drive infertiles insane right? How am I to keep my already questionable faculties when in less than 8 hours I am literally expecting 200 kids of varying degrees of cuteness to ring my doorbell and beg me to give them candy. I mean seriously. Of course I could always turn out my lights and act like nobodies home, but even with all the, "I want to dress up MY child" thoughts going around my head, I still love this holiday.

This is a little random, but did you guys used to sing this Halloween song in music class when you were in elementary school? To this day I still sing it in my head when I'm spelling the word out.

I was so excited last year to hand out Halloween candy in our new house (aka, research potential kids in my neighborhood that I may want to keep...I'm kidding geez). I stocked up on plenty of the good stuff and then we waited. Turns out trick-or-treat started about an hour after I had originally thought, but once the ball got rolling we were in business. The doorbell rang continuously for about 2.5 hours until it eventually because apparent that we were going to run out of freaking candy. I literally went into a panic mode. It's like I thought that somehow by not taking care of the kids in my neighborhoods crack like addiction to Snickers bars I had failed and obviously the universe had made the right decision in not giving me a child. Oh the infertile mind, it really is a wonderland ain't it. Plus, the people pleaser in me just couldn't let that happen so what do I do, I bust out the old Special K bars. Now I realize that nothing says egg my house more than a diet bar being given out in place of candy, but desperate times call for desperate measures ya know...

Just as I hand over what is literally the last thing in my house that could almost be construed as appropriate Halloween swag, up rolls the cutest little boy. Yep, I said ROLLS up. I looked over at H and said, "You've got to be freaking kidding me". Here stares up at me this poor little boy was in a freaking wheelchair dressed as Fozzie Bear from the Muppet Babies and I have NOTHING to give him. I swear I had to resist the urge to write him a check right there in lieu of candy.

So this year I have vowed to go totally overboard. This year, the ManyMoons House will not be that house.

Pictures

2011-10-28T08:44:00.000-04:00

We spent last weekend hosting H's siblings and their families and putting together a scrapbook for his moms upcoming 60th birthday. We had friends and family write letters to include in the book along with lots of pictures and other stuff we thought she might enjoy. It was kind of cool that everyone got to create their own page because it really showed that they had put time into it and was a reflection of their personality.

As we were putting the book together, we started to realize that there were no baby pictures of H. There were some starting at around 2 years old or so, but nothing as an honest to goodness baby. His sister did a little checking around and it turns out that there were no pictures taken before he came to the United States from Vietnam when he was about a year and a half old. Apparently, because his dad was off building the boat they would eventually come here on (which is unimaginably brave to me) and his mom was by herself with two little ones, there just wasn't time or money to take pictures let alone have access to a camera.

I have always known that they went through a lot to start their life here, but it never hit me how many sacrifices they must have made in the process. It definitely makes me think twice about bitching about some of the things I generally like to focus on, like the fact that the trim on the house is peeling (cause it is), we don't have central air (cause this girl likes to have her temperature controlled), the sound on the TV in the room I get ready in is a little fuzzy sometimes (well, that's self explanatory), etc. That's not to say that I'm going to stop complaining (you wouldn't want me to go changing who I am or anything), but it definitely makes me more conscious of how crazy good I have it.

Of course it doesn't even occur to H to be sad or really even think twice about something like not having a picture of himself as a baby. In my life I have spent hours and hours pouring over my own baby pictures looking at the wallpaper in the background, remembering the plates we were eating off of in the picture, looking at my smile to see if it's changed, looking for people in the background that I might recognize, etc. Basically just trying to glean any information from them that I can about what our lives were like back then. Not him, he didn't even realize there weren't any of him until now. He's all, "Oh yeah, that makes sense" and then just moves on. Luckily, he's just not someone who worries or gets shook up about stuff like that...that's what I'm here for. :)

TVT

2011-10-27T09:05:00.000-04:00

I've finally caught on that truly exercising Thought Vomit Thursday to its greatest potential means jotting down notes throughout the week as they occur to me rather than scouring my mind for bits of random on Thursday mornings (although there are plenty). So without further ado, here is my vomit as composed over 7 days time (please don't let the fact that I thought ahead raise your expectations in any way).

Why is it that in my head I have convinced myself that when I have a cold the food I eat doesn't actually count. Like not tasting it somehow cancels out the calories.

I haven't smoked for years and even when I did it was more of a 1.5 year "how to lose weight without doing that whole diet and exercise thing that is all the rage" type of hobby than anything (sad but true). However, I followed someone smoking a Marlboro Light the other day for two blocks just to inhale the second hand smoke. Mostly it doesn't, but sometimes if the mood is right it just smells so good to me.

We filled H's family in on Fragilegate this past weekend while they were visiting. We also updated them on the few adoption situations that have come and gone. It felt good to get them up to speed so that at least they have a little bit of an idea of what we've been dealing with. His relationship with them isn't like mine with my family. We are over-sharers going back generations whereas his family operates on a very strict need to know basis. It's not that they don't care, they just don't have that type of open line of communication TMI relationship that I have with mine. I think it has to do with the fact that he's a boy more than anything.

I love me some flavored sparkling carbonated water. You know the kind I mean? It's apparently God's drink because it has no calories, no sugar, no sodium, no fat, and no protein and yet, it somehow exists. I don't question it, I just look up and thank him for sharing.

The thought of someone being falsely imprisoned for a crime they did not commit scares me more than knowing that there is a criminal on the street. If I'm ever a juror on your trial, it's your lucky day because sending someone to prison would be next to impossible for me. Something is wrong with this logic.

I would like to officially like to put my hat in the ring should auditions ever be held to be an Olsen Twin. Are they weird as hell, yes. Do I still want to be one, yes I do. I can just be the alternate and should one not be up to the task of fulfilling their duties I would step in. For instance, should Ashley lose the urge to dress like a bag lady that found a fur coat in the trash, I would gladly slip into her gold bangled bracelets, ripped jeans, and too large for her face sunglasses and take on that responsibility.

Feeling pretty good

2011-10-26T08:28:00.000-04:00

On Monday afternoon (our Anniversary) I got another call from the adoption agency about a case involving a mother who is five months along and is asking to see family profiles at her next appointment in mid November.  The agency was making sure we were OK with having our profile shown. We gave them the all clear to pass our book along.

We are going to keep this possible development under wraps for awhile from our family until we know more. For all we know she could decide she doesn't want to meet with us, she could decide to parent, or she could decide to fly to the moon with baby in tow, and she has like four months to do it. Who knows! Plus, I'm finding that nothing annoys me more in terms of adoption than having someone else put a magnifying glass on the negatives in a situation that we are already unsure of ourselves. I like that we have the chance to work out how we really feel about things before bringing our families opinions into the mix.

The mother is currently homeless raising two other very young children, but the good news for her is that the state is going to assist her with getting an apartment and health care.  It's a good sign to us that she still has custody of her two children because it means her issues are more financial than anything. There are some tricky things about this case like mental illness in the extended family, no known birth father, and little prenatal care up to now.  The other biggie in the that sucks category is that she does smoke (1 pack a day). Yes, smoking while pregnant is terrible, but it's something we are likely to come up against often so I think it's something we are ready to accept.  The two big worries with smoking while pregnant is low birth weight and babies that are born before full term. As things move along, and because she isn't likely to make a decision for a couple of months, we'll obviously know more about whether or not those two risk factors will come into play here.

At this point, the experience of hearing from the agency is like night and day from the first time or two.  I don't feel overly attached or connected, I just have sort of a momentary feeling of being happy to see some progress and know our agency is working hard on our behalf and then I file it under things that aren't occupying much of my attention. I hate to say that this is just a back of my mind topic (because that makes it sound like I'm not as involved as I feel like I should be for what couuld some day be a huge life changing event), but it sure does feel good to have some distance. That's not to say that I don't think about having a child a huge chunk of my day, it's just that this particular adoption opportunity doesn't occupy my thoughts.

I just feel all around more protected from the emotion that comes with a fall now than I was in the past. If there are any blessings that come with our past failed adoptions experiences that is definitely one. Now if she decides she wants to meet with us at some point I might be singin a different tune.

I should say however that it was pretty cool to have them call on our Anniversary. The first call we ever received from them was on my birthday, so maybe holiday's are our thing. :)

Walking a mile (or 10) in someone else's shoes

2011-10-25T09:33:00.000-04:00

This is probably just me I'm sure, but I have such a someone being embarrassed or feeling bad phobia.

I was recently watching someone sing the National Anthem before a baseball game on TV and I literally had to turn the channel. I get so beyond nervous that someone will start to boo them. Speaking of, can you believe there are assholes who will do that? I wish when that happens they would march the damn microphone up to that person so that they can give it a whirl. Clearly they can do better if they are willing to go so far as to make the international that f-ing sucks sound. God forbid I have to catch the live show. I literally have to go to a safe place in my head until it's over.

I feel the same about umpires/referees getting yelled at by the crowd, the question and answer session at a beauty pageant (although there are lots of reasons to feel bad for some of those girls so...), or even something as simple as someone receiving a birthday cake with a round of Happy Birthday thrown their way (the song not the cake). Forget watching the Bora.t movie or one of those totally hidden video shows where someone has a practical joke played on them...I die. I just feel so nervous for them that it makes me sweat.

If it's an old man or someone with special needs you might as well just sedate me right then and there. An old man who is a contestant on Sur.vivor = me not watching... period. I do not have the ability to take it.

Many, many, many a person who has knocked at my door (church boys with their little backpacks, politician going door to door, salesmen, etc.) have been invited into my house for extended periods of time even though I could care less about what they are selling. Stranger danger be damned, I just can't stomach the thought of them feeling rejected.

The same is true of my sister, which makes sense. Whatever life experience has made me this way obviously happened when I was very young and it stands to reason that she would have experienced it too.  I might just be making this up, but I suspect that the root of the problem was watching my dad try to take care of himself after his divorce from my mom when I was very young. Seeing him struggle on his own was very hard on me. Or hell, it could have just been an extra sad episode of Web.ster that made me this way...who the heck knows.

Empathy is one thing. It's a good trait to have and it's important to identify with the feelings of others. Crippling empathy is quite another thing and it can make you miss out on a lot of fun life experiences.  I have worked over the years to be better about giving people credit for being able to handle situations with grace, but the fear of these situations is still a part of my every day life. It's almost like I take on their hurt/worry/fear/embarrassment as my own so that they don't have to. I will say that since getting married and growing up a bit, things are definitely much improved in this department, but it's still a struggle.

I know I'm crazy and this post is so random, but I'm wondering if anyone else have a similiar problem?

I love this day!

2011-10-24T11:18:00.000-04:00

Today is H and my anniversary. When I think about the time since our wedding, it's almost like it was just yesterday that we were walking down the aisle (me sucking in my stomach to the point of wanting to pass out of course), and yet it also feels like a lifetime ago So much has happened in that time and yet everything is still so familiar. That's the way these things go I guess. Obviously I love him, but it's so much more. He honestly feels like a one of a kind gift that was sent just to me as evidence that anything is possible.

I could go on and on about how much I love him, how good he is to me, how I just know in my heart my head was literally designed to fit in the crook of his neck when we lie down at night, but I won't. Instead, I'm just going to put a thank you out into the universe. Thank you for sending me someone who actually knows and gets me and still loves me anyway. In my younger days while I was doing my best to date my way through the boroughs of New York City, I never would have dreamed that was possible.

I smile when I look at these pictures because it takes me back to that day and the utter disbelief I felt that he actually said yes! I remember thinking during the ceremony that I wished they would hurry up before he came to his senses and ran out of the church. Luckily he didn't!

Saying yes is hard too

2011-10-21T15:06:00.001-04:00

We got a call from the adoption agency today. I'll tell you up front that this story unfortunately doesn't end with a baby in our arms, but I do feel like I need to document it as part of our journey.

It's so funny because my Mom had just asked me this morning if we had heard anything from them since the last situation fell through. She has a suspicion that from now on we had probably decided that we weren't going to tell anyone (except you lovely ladies of course) when potential adoption opportunities come up and that includes her. I paused and then gave her a, "Yep, that's right".  I tried to explain to her that we just feel bad getting her hopes up right along with us and then having her be let down too, she calmly explained to me that, "We HAD BETTER tell her next time something comes up."  :) Honestly, I tell her everything so it would have been really hard to keep her in the dark. Who was I kidding.

Not but 10 minutes later I get a call from them (I'm thinking of having her ask me if I've won the lottery next). Every time they buzz me to say that the agency is on the line it makes my heart skip a beat. I even pause before I answer because I just need a minute to prepare myself for whatever they have to tell me and the likely throw up worthy ride they are getting ready to take me on.

As it turns out there is a birth mother in another state who is due to deliver a little boy via c-section in mid-November and would like an adoptive family to take him home from the hospital. Sounds good so far right.  That's where the sounds good part ends. She already has several kids, all of whom have been taken away due to her drug use and criminal history which includes prostitution (one of her clients likely being the father).  With the exception of the time she has spent in jail, she has lived on the streets using a variety of hard core drugs (cocaine, heroin, etc.) throughout her pregnancy and continues to do so. She also smokes two packs a day and has had little to no prenatal care, but that barely seems to register on the things to worry about chart when you take into consideration all the rest.

They called us because they honestly just don't have that many families who are willing to accept a child of unidentified race (we have no preference) and a child exposed to drug use (we are making that decision on a case by case basis). I instantly felt sick for this baby and it's siblings who range from 3 to 13. My instinct was to say WE"LL TAKE THEM ALL (even though they hadn't offered that up as an option)! After a few deep breathes and a phone conversation with H, we decided that although it's hard to have to say no, it's almost just as hard to find the strength to say yes.

We honestly just aren't equipped financially and mentally at this point to jump head first into a situation like this.  If we are going to take on the challenge of having a child with severe delays or the myriad of issues that this little boy is likely to have, we just need to have a little more information about what we would be dealing with. There is just no way to know how severe the repercussions of her drug and alcohol on the baby are going to be.

The truly frustrating/sad part is that this women had been clean for 8 years and was in college when she fell off the wagon. 8 years!! I know that addiction is a disease, a real honest to goodness disease, but it's hard (more like impossible) in situations like this to justify someones actions based on that. The thought that there is a baby being essentially tortured out there right now as a result of being stuck in this women's stomach sickens me. The icing on the make me sick cake was the statement by our worker who said, "She would like a semi-open adoption and has picked out a first name for the baby".  I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying, "Would she, would she like a semi-open adoption and to name the baby. You have to be fucking kidding me right". While I didn't say that, I did express my disbelief that a women who can't see fit to give her child even the most basic of care has an opinion on something so unimportant as his name. I'm sure my tone made my feelings very clear.

I know that H and I believe that for our family this is the best decision and there is a lot of peace in that for us. I am hoping you all can do me a favor.  Maybe you could all say a little prayer, send good thoughts, light a candle, ANYTHING for this family and more specifically this little boy. He's going to need all the help he can get and I'm praying that they find a family that can give it to him.

The white glove test

2011-10-20T08:29:00.000-04:00

On my way out to the car today to go to work I decided the mums and pumpkins I have displayed on our porch needed a little rearranging. So there I am dressed up (and by dressed up I mean teetering on the line between inappropriately casual and business attire) continuing to try to keep my purse on my arm when it occurs to me that from behind I must look like one of those garden decoration cutouts of the old farmer lady bent over picking weeds with her butt up in the air. Do you know what I mean? Just as I decide that this is an angle I am not looking to share with the world, don't you know I hear someone drive past and honk their horn. So embarrassing.

Lots of cleaning/last minute decorating going on at Casa ManyMoons. H's brother and sister and her family (including her two little ones) are coming to visit this weekend. I like her a lot and it's always fun to hang out with the kids, but I hate cleaning for others. It's one thing to clean to our standards, but when I know that others are going to be checking things out (although they are unlikely to bring their white gloves), I get paranoid. I have a theory that there is just some dirt that is almost invisible to the home owners and it's only when an outsider comes in that it becomes apparent. I'm going to try to cover my bases, but there's no way I'll get it all. Let's just hope they leave their white socks at home!

Strung out

2011-10-18T10:53:00.001-04:00

Can we discuss the fact that I get so ridiculously excited when I see that I have a new follower. I made a vow (OK, less of a vow and more of a deal with myself), that I am going to make an effort to check out and follow everyone that does the same for me. I figure if everyone gets as excited as I do when they meet a new blogger, it's nice to pass that feeling on. Plus, I love reading everyone's stories. Isn't it crazy how totally different and yet completely the same everyone is.

So I fell down my damn carpeted stairs last week. It was one of those scoot on your heals, on an incline, screeching music in the background, leaves skid marks type of falls that would crack someone up had they been there to see it (which they weren't and I am eternally grateful for that fact). I knew it was bound to happen at some point. I always come down the stairs like my hair is on fire so I've been tempting fate up until now. H's first words when I told him what had happened were, "What if you had been carrying a baby". After assuring him that our imaginary child had survived the traumatic fall and that although he hadn't asked, so had I (just some bruises), I decided that I am going to start taking my time from now on.

My mom has a theory that I am sooooo high strung (with no outlet for it) that everything I do is just a little too aggressive. For instance, as I'm typing this post there is smoke coming off my fingers and the entire office is being treated to what sounds like little mini gunshots coming from my keyboard. Many cars that have the unfortunate experience of being parked next to me in a parking lot leave with a dinged door because of the effort with which I open my door. Every door frame I walk through gets a little high five from my shoulder because it's like I don't even have time to move myself out of the way at the pace I typically move. When I eat tick tac's it sounds like I'm chewing bowling balls because I can't stand to wait until they either melt or are soft enough to chew. When you knock on our door you'll soon be treated to what sounds like big foot coming your way to answer, as every step I take is with full ground shaking effort. Even things like pouring a drink are an issue. I would say that 9 out of 10 times I overfill the glass because I just don't have that patient gene required to go slowly. I am also very aware that people are constantly telling me, "Easy" as I do things while they give me the international slow down gesture.

All of these are examples to illustrate that although I am not a careful person, I kind of think there is an honest to goodness psychological reason behind it. I'm uptight!

What a weekend

2011-10-17T09:04:00.001-04:00

I had one of those awesome fall weekends that you just kind of wish would never end. In fact, about 2:00pm on Saturday afternoon I inevitably start dreading Monday morning. I find that if I wait until Sunday night to start the dreading I just can't get myself worked up to the point that a Monday morning really warrants, so I like to get a jump on it. How's that for a glass half empty attitude.

I attended a murder mystery dinner on Friday night at a friends house. H had to work so I was sad to go without him, but everyone really got into it and had a good time with their characters so that made it really fun. It was nice to deviate from the normal hanging out that we tend to do. The rest of the weekend was devoted to baking (how ridiculous is it that until this past weekend I didn't realize you could make homemade brownies that weren't from a box), football (lots and lots of football), naps, and I hate to be a sap, but just being really thankful to have each other.

As I was watching TV yesterday news of race car driver Da.n Wheld.on's death, as a result of a crash in Las Vegas, started to trickle in. I don't know much about this particular sport, but I do remember hearing of him in particular because he was this years Ind.y 500 winner and he had a particular sparkle in his eye that stuck with me at the time and sort of flooded back when I saw his picture. When I googled him I ended up on his Twitter page. It was full of every day kind of stuff and most recently a tweet that said something to the effect of "I'm heading to the track now, wish me luck". It occurred to me that the mans wife and two little boys sent their husband/dad off to work that day just like most of us do every single day never dreaming that he wasn't going to make it home that night. Sure, he works in a high risk industry so these things are going to happen a bit more often that maybe your average day job, but the sentiment is the same. It made me sick to my stomach, and it for sure made me appreciate just hanging out at home doing nothing with H a little more than I normally would have.

Sometimes I think I have my eye on the baby prize to a fault, and I'm pretty sure I'm blinded by it when it comes to seeing some of the good that I actually have in my life (and there is a lot of it).

Speaking of things I appreciate. I told you all I was going to be Skyping from afar (come to think of it, who doesn't Skype from afar otherwise why would you need to do it) with Amanda, Josey, Kelly, Katie, Natalie, and BU who were all away on our girls weekend in Colorado. I was the loser who had to back out and couldn't attend, but you would never have known it by how included they made me feel. My conversation with them did more for my mindset and attitude than a years worth of therapy (believe me...I've tested this theory). H said that he couldn't make out the words I was saying from downstairs (although not for lack of trying I suspect), but he couldn't believe how much I was laughing. I didn't realize it, but it's been way too long since I've felt like laughing. It was basically freaking amazing and I can't wait until next year!

This is a perfect example of the type of thing that goes on in my house. At one point the girls asked me to go get H so that they could meet him. I race downstairs to get him (basically to prove that he actually exists) and as I round the corner to our office I see him sitting there in front of his computer completely naked. Yep, his business was just chilling right there for the world to see. Thank goodness I hadn't brought the laptop with me or the stories the girls took away from that weekend would have taken a definite R rated turn. Needless to say I gave him a Skyping rain check and promised the girls they could meet him another time. Story of my life!

Love and Hugs

2011-10-12T11:42:00.001-04:00

This post is so bittersweet. I need to send some serious hug action to Amanda at Our Fertility Journey who just received a BFN after a hard fought IVF (seriously, she is armed with more information than most doctors I suspect and you have never met a more diligent patient). Amanda is just a ray of light kind of person and is going to make the most amazing mother someday, I just know it.

Ironically, (or perfectly timed...you be the judge) Amanda, along with Josey, Kelly, Oak, Natalie, and BU are all set to leave tomorrow for our girls weekend in Colorado. Only a few of us have ever met in person, and never has everyone been together at one time (for fear the universe would explode or at least the cops would be called). Unfortunately I am a complete loser and have to stay behind, but I have big plans for Skyping with these lovely ladies. I just know that A will be getting lots of attention from the girls who are all in such a unique position of being able to relate to what she's going through.

Each of these girls are so amazing (a word that is often overused, but in this case totally appropriate) and have provided support to me that is not to be believed. I of course expect to be spoken about often during this weekend away. In order to save you ladies time and energy, let me offer several adjectives that can be used when my name is inevitably dropped 1. funny 2. witty 3. skinny (what...too much?) 4. master of all things pop culture. Please note that all of these should be used while sporting a slight knowing grin and a nod as if to say, "Oh, that Elizabeth".

Speaking of hugs, I feel like we're all the time sending ((hugs)) to each other, but how cool would it be if that were really possible? I'm thinking maybe something a little Jack in the Boxish (but with way less creepy music or suspense). How cool would that be?

This and That

2011-10-11T09:19:00.001-04:00

I don't really feel like I have a coherent post ready to spit out, but I do have a million and one random thoughts, so that's what's I'm gonna give ya. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am nothing if not random, so here you go:

Is it really bad that rather than washing my cookie sheet sometimes I just put it back in the oven for "storage"? In my defense, I do always put foil down before baking on it so it's not like it's an actual caked on food situation or anything. So there's that.

I have a sick obsession with putting shopping carts back in their proper place after I pack up my car. It's not because I'm some great citizen or something, it's because I have convinced myself that something bad will happen to somebody I love if I don't. Maybe the grocery store has some kind of subliminal message playing over their elevator music that is putting that into my head. Hmmm....

Rather than taking my finger nail polish off after it starts to chip and look bad I leave it on so that someone might think, "Sure her toes look terrible now, but she clearly put effort in at some point in the last month or two".

I will let something run through my dishwasher as many times as necessary to get it clean. For instance, we used a spoon to make eggs nearly two weeks ago and I have let it run for three cycles in the dishwasher and it's STILL dirty (I obviously let the dishwasher refill before running...I'm not a total loser). My logic tells me to just get it out and scrub it by hand, but my stubbornness/laziness just won't let me.

I have some serious trouble looking at myself in a picture and will NEVER look at a picture of myself that was just taken. You know those girls that will take a group picture and then crowd around the camera to see how it came out...I'm not them. If the picture is two weeks old I can at least tell myself that clearly I look better now than I did then, but if the picture was taken three seconds ago there is no denying the reality.

I have discovered the most amazing ginger tea. You have to buy it online, but it's amazing. *Warning* You only need to put about half the bad of crystals into the glass. If you put more than that in you are likely to leave your little tea party with less nose hairs than you came with. I always put a packet of sweet and low in, but you hard core tea drinkers probably won't have to. This is based on nothing, but maybe it would help some of you baby makers out there with morning sickness?? Check it out if you're interested. http://compare.ebay.com/like/260766640856?var=lv&ltyp=AllFixedPriceItemTypes&var=sbar

Apparently now that we are officially off the, "trying to get pregnant" train, the conductor decided that 28 day cycles are so yesterday. My body has now decided that a typical cycle is more of a guideline than a rule and this month I got a special treat a full week early. Please note that I am not please nor amused by this turn of events.

Going once, Going twice

2011-10-10T13:45:00.000-04:00

I hope this doesn't sound too my kid's selling wrapping paper to raise money for the band or anything, but I thought I'd put it out there. I have six unopened boxes of Bravelle and two unopened boxes of Crinone that I am hoping to pass off to someone in need. I'm not trying to make a profit or anything (cause you know...bad karma and all that), just recoup what I had to pay for them because of my high deductible. I honestly just want them out of the house at this point (out of sight out of mind??). If you know of anyone who is interested please have them e-mail me and we can discuss the details.

This post feels weird, but I figured if anyone would know someone in need it would be you guys.

Tense Negotiations

2011-10-10T09:51:00.000-04:00

This post is going to be short (so you've got that going for ya).

We had a pretty low key weekend. The original plan was to go to the pumpkin patch, but I quickly bartered that option away by convincing H to build me an antique looking ladder that I had planned to use to display/hold my necklaces. I have a vision of them hanging from the rungs by little S hooks or draped over the arms of the ladder along with a few scarves to give it that, "I just threw that there on my way to bed" look. Had I known it was only going to take him 20 minutes to build I wouldn't have given him the out on the pumpkin patch, but being the smooth negotiator he is he neglected to share that information with me. That's ok, it took me a few hours to paint it white using crackle paint to give it a, "I just found it in an abandoned barn" feel, so I think it was a fair trade. I am so happy with how it came out. I forgot to take a picture of it this morning, but I'll be sure to post one tomorrow.

Now that I know how easy it is, I have big ladder plans for this winter. I am going to have him build several that are wide and tall that I can use to display my high heals on in what I am hoping will be my new walk-in closet (once I convince him to insulate and finish our attic space with me). Trust me when I tell you that he soooo doesn't want to do this project that convincing him to take on that project with me will require me to sacrifice a lot more than a visit to the pumpkin patch (I am in fact not even sure I will escape with my dignity or modesty in tact once that negotiation is complete).

I also want to send some positive energy, vibes, prayers, whatever out to a new blog friend Shannon at Solo Pronto. She is having her Laparoscopy today and could use any extra support she can get. I have informed her that to have a Laparoscopy on Columbus Day surely must be good luck. If Columbus can discover America, surely they can discover what's going on with her lady parts right?

Cider, pumpkins, and missing home

2011-10-07T08:57:00.000-04:00

I have big plans for the pumpkin patch/apple orchard this weekend. There is just something about a hay ride, mums, apple cider, and a cute fitted plaid shirt (what...too specific?) that I love. I really wish we could swing a trip home to OH to go with my family, but it doesn't look like it's in the cards. I think our next trip home will be Thanksgiving (which sounds like forever to me). Our vacation will help break that up I know, but until that gets here I think I'm going to have to fight off a little homesickness.

When I hear people say things about running to lunch with their mom, or my dad stopped by, or we had a family dinner, I get a definitely twinge of jealousy. I miss things every single day as a result of my choice to live in another state and I am constantly aware of it. To combat that I talk to my mom about three times a day (no seriously...I'm sick), and my dad two or so times a week, bit it isn't the same. I just can't see me living away from home for the rest of my life, especially once we have kids. It will be a hard decision to make (as much as I love, love, love OH, there are certain parts of it that are a little too Red State for me if you know what I mean), but we'll see. Who knows how it will play out, but it's for sure a nagging thought in the back of my head.

This is really a thought that should be saved for Thought Vomit Thursday I realize, but as I was watching TV last night it was bugging me. I find that I hear it mostly when I'm watching reality TV for some reason, but I suspect it's everywhere. I absolutely can't stand when I hear someone say, "I've known her since I'm 12 years old." or, "I've been doing that since I'm a teenager". Am I crazy to say that using the word I'm in these sentences completely incorrect? Shouldn't it be, "I've knows her since I was 12 years old?" Right?? Now that I've gotten this off my chest I suspect I will sleep better tonight (sadly, that might be true).

Have a great weekend everyone.

TVT

2011-10-06T16:41:00.001-04:00

Get our your bowls ladies...I'm getting ready to go all Thought Vomit Thursday on ya. Were we the only family who had a designated puke bowl growing up? I guess with five kids you just kind of always need to have it handy and boy did it make the rounds. Delightful talk I know.

Ever feel like you want to post, but have little to nothing of value to say? That's where I"m at today. I feel like I'm such a broken record. It's not just what I blog about, it's also what goes on upstairs (my brain...not my boobs just to clarify) that is pretty much a broken record too. It goes something like, "I'm hungry, nope, still on a diet, I can't wait to burn calories jogging with a baby stroller, I want a baby, how are we going to get a baby, I'm hungry, the kitchen looks nice now that we remodeled it, I wish we could redo the spare bedroom for the baby, I want a baby, I love Taco Bell, it's must see TV tonight, that character is trying to adopt a baby, I wish the agency would call, what if they call while we're in Hawaii, I can't wait to go to Hawaii and get my seafood on, you have to avoid sushi when you're pregnant, I will most likely never be pregnant, I want a baby, I'm hungry." So this might be a little simplistic, but you get the idea. Round and round these thoughts go.

Focusing on the positive, I must say that the diet is going pretty well. My pants are fitting better for sure. I did finally give in and weigh myself though. I am almost exactly 10 pounds heavier than I was this time last year, but I'm getting closer. There's a certain number that I think I need to get under in order to really feel like I'm on the right track (cause as we all know it's nothing but a mind game). That number shall be reveiled when someone points a loaded gun to my head and no sooner. I'm hungry most of the day of course, but at least I'm not tempted. It's a slippery slope for me between being tempted to diving headfirst into our fridge, but I seem to be managing ok I think. I keep trying to remind myself how much nicer this upcoming trip and the holiday's will be if I don't sabotage myself. There is nothing worse than an Elizabeth who is miserable because of her weight on a holiday I can assure you. Many a family member can attest.

I was walking through the checkout line at Mars.halls yesterday and this book caught my eye. I think I must have had this when I was a little girl (we were serious Golden Book people) because I felt an instant connection to it. Even flipping through the pages and looking at the pitures inside just felt so familiar and I had to have it. So now I do! If there is anything more pathetic than a 34 year old infertile women (women...wow, when did that happen) sitting on the floor of the possible future nursery, in her pajama pants, with her hair on top of her head, reading a childs book I sure as hell don't know what it is. It makes me happy to look at it though and that's all that matters I decided.

Not my best photography work, but you get the idea

Aloha Post - Take 2

2011-10-05T14:47:00.000-04:00

Scratch that...the date has been changed already. It looks like we are now planning on November 5th - 15th. Equally awesome (and longer than previously thought), but definitely farther away than the two weeks we were expecting. In the long run it's probably better from a work standpoint anyway. Even if it wasn't...I would feel like such a brat complaining. That also means we will be there on 11-11-11...it's dorky, but it's kind of a thing with us.

Aloha

2011-10-05T10:57:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling much better today and ready to move on to the next opportunity that comes my way. I think my back on the horse attitude is coming to me courtesy of a little thing called Hawaii. We just found out that the trip that we knew was a possibility through H's work is freaking happening.

They are narrowing down the dates now, but there is a strong possibility it could be happening sooner rather than later...like the 22nd of October soon. The exact date kind of rests on H's shoulders because the purpose of the trip from his perspective as an employee is to install something computer/mechanic related that honestly I am not smart enough to understand for his client. The purpose of the trip from our perspective as a couple is to regroup, refresh, and refocus.

It's kind of unnerving for a planner like me to not know the exact dates, hotel, airline, etc. so close to the possibility of a trip, but if that's my only complaint I think I'm in good shape. I mentioned before I think that I have a bit of a work conflict right now with getting time off (7 - 10 days...more days than I've had off in a row since our honeymoon and before that never!). Hopefully the details will be worked out by the end of this week/early next week. Having said that about the work conflict, I am not going to let ANYTHING stand in my way of making this happen. We need this!

We unfortunately will be pretty limited sightseeing and traveling among the other islands wise, but we both have a who the hell cares/beggars can't be choosers attitude about it. As long as I wake up in the morning and see Honolulu and not upstate New York out my window I will be fine.

Now, if I can just find a way to lose 15 pounds by then we'll be all set!

In other news, we made the big bedroom move last night. It ended up being kind of fun and it felt good to make the change. I'll post a pic as soon as I put the finishing touches on it this week. You know this girl can't just be satisfied with getting the move she wanted...now I need a new chair, wall sconces, a few picture frames to match the wall color of the new room, and a trash can that doesn't have a plastic bag from the grocery store peaking out over the top.

So that's not happening

2011-10-03T16:40:00.000-04:00

So the black cloud clearly heard me earlier because I just got a call from the adoption agency letting us know that the meeting for tomorrow is cancelled. Apparently the couple has decided to parent the child.

In my heart I know that the upside to this is that the best case scenario for that baby is that the parents get the financial help they need in order to parent that baby if that is what they feel like they want to do and it sounds like a family member is going to step up and make that happen for them.  I'm happy for them and for their baby girl (it's a little girl...did I tell you that?).

I'm just really sad that maybe that help couldn't have come about two weeks sooner before we were brought into the fold and let a little of that hope in again. It's the way it goes I know.  It won't be the last disappointment on our journey I'm sure and it certainly isn't the worst. It's just difficult to dodge all this shit that seems to keep flying our way.

One lesson that this did teach me is that we made the right decision in keeping this meeting a secret from our family. It's too much of a roller coaster to keep putting everyone through and it makes my job of breaking the news so much easier.

You guys all always make me feel so loved and I kind of feel like I'm letting everyone down when these things fall through you know.

There's something in the air

2011-10-03T09:33:00.000-04:00

You know how some people (like my Grandparents for instance), can go 20 years and have the same bedspread/sheet set and never think twice about it? Yeah, I'm not one of those people. Although I do remember how nice and comforting it felt to see something so familiar in there house.

I absolutely love the bedding we got for our wedding and it was the first time in my life where I actually had two sets of everything like a real grown up person. It was amazing to me that for the first time washing my sheets didn't mean either a mad dash to the laundry mat (living in NYC kind of cuts down on your laundry options) so that I could get them back on the bed before I crawled my lazy butt into it for the night or else a sleepless night using the blanket from the couch and some random sheet until everything was finished drying the next day. Nope, I now just slip on the extra set of matching sheets and away we go.

As we were making the bed yesterday... Wait, let me clarify. We just happened to both be up there.  It's not like we're this couple who makes the bed together or something. Anyway, as we were making the bed yesterday I realized that I was over our current bedspread/sheet combo.  I am honestly just sick of looking at it. Not only that, but we are about to make a bit of a bedroom switch and I feel like it's time for a change so I ran out and two hours and $268 dollars later we are sittin pretty.

We live in an A framed house which means that the attic comes to a point with slanted walls on either side of the room. The upstairs runs the length of the house and has two separate sort of living spaces with one being a little more bedroomy (yeah, I create my own words) than the other, which is a little more long and not quite as enclosed (when you come up the stairs you are actually in that space). Anyway, that is a terrible way to paint this picture but hopefully you get the idea.  So we have always figured that once we were placed with a baby we would make the more traditional bedroomy space be the nursery and we would take then longer, more narrow, and less bedroomy space as our room. It's a huge space, it's just an odd shape. Now that summer is over and that space is a little less hot as hell I have convinced H to go ahead and let us make the move now. That will open up the nursery (or the exercise room/clothes drying room/hide in there so that my naked ass is behind closed doors while I am getting dressed room) as I will be calling it until we can find ourselves one of those babies that are all the rage among you ladies.  It will also allow me to start storing any baby loot I acquire at some point in the near future.

I kind of feel like we have been in denial about getting anything ready because we just are just so guarded about getting our hopes up. I'm thinking that maybe I need to start practicing a little of that what you put out into the universe eventually comes back to you thinking and maybe getting ourselves physically ready will show the universe that we believe it will happen. Does that make sense? I know that you don't necessarily need a ton of stuff when the baby first comes home, but it's more the practice of it that I think will go a long way towards helping me feel prepared.  Not that we are going to decorate or anything yet (that's too depressing for me), but just getting some of the essentials will feel good I think.

Something about this fall weather has me feeling optimistic and a little like the rain cloud that had taken up permanent residence over my families head has parted a bit. Who knows if things will work out with this family tomorrow, but I like the feeling that I'm having that at some point things will click for us.

Al little bit of this and that

2011-09-30T14:59:00.000-04:00

I don't think I ever told you guys that I did manage to suck it up (and more importantly, suck it in), to attend that wedding I was dreading last weekend. We had fun and I'm so glad that we went for H's sake. It's rare that he gets to hang out with his friends these days so I was super happy for him to have that to relax (and by relax I mean drink). We got pulled over on the way back to the hotel after the reception so I'm glad I had gone all Mothers Against Drunk Driving on his ass and drove us home. I'm kind of an all or nothing drinker and since I didn't plan on getting drunk at this wedding I had gone the Diet Coke route. Thank goodness!

The only real downside to the event (besides the cop from the local one horse town of course) was the table of mom's we were seated at. One women at our table looked like a snake that had swallowed a freaking beach ball and the whole, "When are you due?" question snowballed into the whole, "You won't know love until you're a mother" blah blah blah crap crap crap. I put on a happy face, but there was a definite moment of pushing back the tears midway through dinner. H did a great job of distracting me though and we made it through relatively unscathed.

Please tell me I won't still feel these little shocks waves of sadness every time I see a pregnant women for the rest of my life. Nobody wants to see a bitter 80 year old yearning for pregnancy!

So I should fill you in on Fragile X-Gate as it's now being called in my family. As a carrier, we knew that if we were truly identical twins, my sister should not only have it, but be the same carrier number as me (that's the number that determines how many repeats of this specific DNA pattern you have...the lower the better). My sister and I had no doubt that we were identical, but we now have the numbers to prove it. So that's settled. I almost think we were both relieved in some way. So much of our identity growing up was about being twins that it would have been really sad to find out we were fraternal after all these years. Don't get me wrong, e would die before we would dress alike, couldn't be more different personality wise, and still fight like we're 12, but still...

Next order of business was to figure out which side of my family this came from. There were very few implications to having it come from my Dad because he only has one son and two daughters. We already know that we have it (or that "we're screwed" as my mother has taken to saying) and a father can never pass it to his son so that would mean the buck stopped with us (so to speak).

So of course you can guess where this is headed. Of course it's not my Dad (cause that would be simple and everything). My mom is the culprit. She sent us all a super sarcastic and funny text that night after receiving the results that said, "You're Welcome". :) So now we begin the process of having both my brothers, my little sister, my niece, and my aunt tested.  Depending on what they find out we'll either have to dig deeper or rule people out as not being carriers. They all have a 50/50 chance of having it, so it's nice to know there is that buffer there that they could potentially be in the clear.

Even if every single one is a carrier, none of this is the end of the world.  It just means that as carriers they will have some difficult decisions to make when it comes to having children and some health issues they will need to watch out for as they get older that they will be prone to as carriers. It's not ideal for sure, but we'll survive.

So, since that news kind of sucks, I'll share some news that will hopefully head in the direction of positivity.  The family that our profile book was being shown to has decided to meet with us and one other family next Tuesday afternoon. This time I am feeling so much less stress and the whole situation just feels less anxiety ridden for some reason. I think just knowing what to expect out of these meetings goes a long way toward calming our nerves.  We're going to keep our expectations VERY LOW and just try to go into this with a positive attitude and an open mind. When this is all said and done I don't plan to have to pick myself up from the fetal position like the last time...I really don't. Having said that, the couple sounds awesome and best of all both the mother and father are on board with the adoption. That can be a rare thing in these situations and definitely can save a lot of heartache down the road.

Another thing that has been helpful in lowering the anticipation is that we have only told my mom about this. Nobody else has a clue, which cuts down on the phone calls "Just checking in", or the "Did you hear anything yet" texts that our families just can't seem to resist. It's so so sweet that they care, but it's hard to put things out of your mind when there are so many people there to remind you.

I don't have that same apprehension with you guys though, so it's nice to be able to freely share here since I can't do it anywhere else. It's so weird for me to think that this blog is on the Internet. It always feels like I'm typing an e-mail to a friend.

A Toast To RockStar

2011-09-29T05:01:00.002-04:00

So the mission (should we choose to accept it), was to shower the cool, the loyal, the supportive, the tan (what, she is and I'm jealous), the witty, the kindhearted, the generous, and most importantly, the PREGNANT miss Josey at My Cheaper Version of Therapy. A fact that I know still sounds beyond surreal to her. I am so thrilled to be a part of toasting this honest to goodness celebration worthy event.

Where to start, where to start. If this were a sitcom (and you know I wish it were) I would be looking off into space right now, the screen would go all wavy with harp music playing in the background, and suddenly you've be transported back to some scene from my past.

Let me set it up for you. I'm about a year into fertility treatments and feeling so beyond alone. I've dipped my toe in the blog world by randomly reading some blogs, but never really feeling like I could take the step to reach out to any bloggers let alone start my own. I feel like I have nobody from the real world to talk to. Then I stumbled upon blog gold (yeah, it exists). I find this girl that sounds like me, looks like me (were I really tall, tan, and had teeth that look like they should have a twinkle gleaming from them every time I smile), she has a lot of the same problems as me (that's a looooong story), and best of all, she invites me into her life.

Josey was the first blogger that I ever reached out to and she came through for me like a rock star (so it's kind of fitting that her belly is full of her own little rock start as we speak). She was there for me at a time when I needed her and she continues to be to this day.

One of the biggest testaments to her character (in my opinion of course) is the women she has surrounded herself with. They are all amazing in so many unbelievable ways. ( I mean Oak with the shower planning and Natalie with the button design...such great friends). This isn't surprising of course. After getting to know her mom I have no doubt where her spirit and positive attitude come from. I feel obligated to give a shout out to her Dad too...he sounds equally amazing. But you know, it's a shower so no boys aloud and all that. :)

In order to get this little shooting star off to a good start in the wardrobe department, I give you the following.  This little ensemble is headed your way as we speak Miss J. May he/she wear it with pride knowing that it is 100% true!

Lets just hope the little one owns an iron...I clearly dropped the ball in that department.

I am sending nothing but hugs and loads of kisses for you and your family and I can't wait to watch you become the brilliant Momma I know you're going to be.

I love ya J (which I don't take saying lightly I assure you).

Lets talk about glasses

2011-09-26T10:33:00.000-04:00

I recently aged myself by about 20 years without evening realizing it. No, not by wearing a shower cap (which I did this morning because I was short on time so I put my curlers in before I took a shower and didn't want them to get wet), no, not by wearing curlers (which I've already admitted to), no, not by carrying tissues up my sleeve (which I was forced to do at a wedding this weekend because I had a terrible runny nose), and no, not by asking people to repeat everything they say several times (which I do, but am too afraid to get it checked out for fear of the solution. Plus, this post is about one of my other senses.). No, it isn't any of these things.

Here's the deal. About two months ago I broke my reading glasses. I'm not sure if it's the swinging them around in circles by one of the ear pieces for months on end or the sitting on them, but either way they took a dive. I don't think I have terrible eyesight, but I definitely can't stare at my computer all day like my job requires without them. I was forced to run to CVS and by some of the $14.99 numbers they have in stock until I could get to the doctor. My mom is the queen of the dollar store glasses. At any given time she will have four pairs strategically located around the house and car just in case she needs them. I pretty much usually just stick with the one pair of Rx's that I get from my eye doctor.

Well this was definitely a case of desperate times calling for desperate measures. The only pair that they had on hand in my +1.25 Rx was a pair of shiny little numbers that literally had rhinestones glued to the sides. Now I like a shiny new thing as much as the next guy, but having cheap imitation jewels placed so close to my ever worsening crows feet just seemed like a bad idea. Turns out I was right. When I walked into work that next day my boss gave me a cute look quickly followed by, "Wow, nice glasses. Did you invade Dame Edna's closet"? I personally would have gone with Elton John, but there's a generational gap there ya see so Dame Edna it was.

Rest assured that I have now secured myself a pair of normal looking specs (that's slang by the way, I would die before I would use the term spectacles in an actual conversation). I love the new pair, but my freaking eyelashes hit them when I have them in the correct position on my nose. This forces me to put them down farther on my nose and when I'm talking to someone I almost have to look my head down while my eyes look up in order to see the person (it's all very Princess Di of me). Of course the reality of the situation is that I look like an old maid librarian. All that's missing is a chair around my neck and I'll be all set.

The reason for this extra long post about something that actually matters not at all is that I forgot my damn new glasses at home today and am forced to wear my "fancy glasses" once again. This day can't go fast enough!

I also want to send a special thank you go my friend Sarah and her little grape over at Baby Talk. When I arrived home yesterday I found the sweetest card with a few inside joke gifts included in my mailbox. It was so nice of her and really made me laugh.

Spray Away!

2011-09-23T09:41:00.000-04:00

I would just like to take a moment and thank whoever in the hell it was who decided to create the spray tan. Oh how I love thee. As someone who could sit in the sun for hours on end baking (and oh have I) and come away with nothing but the latest in lobster fashion, I am so grateful for this product. I only wish it was around when I was in junior high and high school when I did some of my best work in the sunburn department. I honestly think after all that I've seen my mom go through dealing with skin cancer's popping up constantly, that is the one thing I would change in my life if I could. This is definitely a spilled milk situation though and I don't plan to make that mistake again.

Do you sometimes look a little orange, yes, does everything you touch for the first 8 hours after you get sprayed need to be hosed down, yes, does it come off in patches leaving you to look like you've been inflicted with an as yet unnamed disease, it does, do you smell like a mix between pine nuts and moth balls, of course.

All that aside, I love me some airbrush tan. So to the creators of this fine invention, I raise my glass (held by my orangeish brown hand of course) and say thank you!

Thought Vomit Thursday

2011-09-22T11:12:00.000-04:00

Oh Thought Vomit Thursday (TVT as it shall hense forth be known), how I have neglected thee. In my defense, I couldn't get the button to insert correctly on my work computer for the last couple of weeks until it finally occurred to me to use my laptop to type the post. I mean look at that face...how could I leave that off right (the face is curtesey of our own Oak). I suspect that the TVT God's wouldn't see that as a sufficient excuse, but that's what I'm going with anyway. Get ready, you're about to get vomited on!

I have knows for a long tome that I am someone who dreads things. I don't know if it's because I'm a self diagnosed home body or because I like to get all glass half empty whenever I feel like it, but I am not someone who thinks, "Wow, I can't wait to fill in the blank". For instance, we have a wedding to go to this weekend for one of H's high school friends. I like this girl a lot and she was super great at our wedding. Picture torrential rain that left two inches of standing water on the floor of the tent where we were supposed to have our reception. She was right there working arm and arm with my family into the week hours of the morning the night before working to absorb the water with hay, wood chips, you name it. The place smelled like the hog barn at the damn Clinton County Fair when it was all said and done, but we survived and a lot of that had to do with this girl. The point of that story is to say that she is a great friend and someone who we are so happy to celebrate. Guess what....still don't feel like going to her wedding. No matter what the event (dinner, movie, party, you name it), it's always the same story. I tell myself that I'll be glad I went, that I'll have fun, that I SHOULD go, but something about the advanced notice of it all and getting myself worked up about what to wear just does me in. I just like to be home, plain and simple. Luckily I also care what others think so that tends to win out allowing me to narrowly avoid becoming a total recluse.

The adoption agency called yesterday to let us know that they plan to send our book to a family that is 7 months pregnant. Our worker had a few general details about the couple, but nothing earth shattering or out of the norm. Mostly she just wanted to get our permission to send the book along. I made the decision before I even answered the phone that I would be calm, cool, and collected. No heart racing, no imagining what if, no freaking out of any kind. I just took in the information, passed it on to H, and now I plan to let the chips fall where they may. It's still so early in the process and she's going to be shown several other books before she decides which families she even wants to meet with. Anything could happen, including absolutely nothing at all and I think we're both fine with that. I am going to send positive thoughts the families way though...they must be so overwhelmed right now. See how I even threw it in the middle of my bullet points to show you how cool I'm playing it. If nothing else, it's definitely nice to feel like we're still in the game.

The diet is going pretty well I think. I haven't been weighing myself (that's a slippery slope for me where I go from feeling like I'm doing ok to a total meltdown), but I suspect I'm down about five pounds. I think I probably have about 10 or 12 more to go before I'm at the weight I was at this time last year. I'm trying to go solely on how my clothes fit and how I feel. I also know that when I stick to this calorie limit I typically lose about two pounds a week. It's hard to avoid the scale, but I know it's better for me and if I'm being honest, everyone that comes into contact with me on a daily basis.

This week is something of a holiday or special occasion for H and I in case you didn't know. Yes folks, it's the week that the shows come back from hiatus and begin making a regular appearance on our TV screen. We literally have to have a scheduling meeting where we both present our case for what new shows we will be watching that year and if they make the cut for the "downstairs TV", or if they are relocated to the upstairs DVR in our bedroom where they are bound to be watched once we are groggy and on the brink of sleep (wait, maybe I should have said that we're overtaken by passion when in that room and that's why it's the second tier DVR. Yeah, that's it). It's a tense negotiation, but as you can imagine, I usually come out on top. :) We are dorks and neither of us is afraid to admit it.

Conversation with my sister

2011-09-17T06:00:00.001-04:00

So I don't think I ever really told everyone how my conversation with my sister went. As soon as I left work that day after getting the news I went somewhere and just parked. I wanted to talk to my mom so badly and I needed some perspective from someone who knows and loves me before I talked to H or my sister.

My mom answered and I began with what has become the obligatory way to deliver really bad news, but not of the "so and so died or is hurt variety". We have been taught to say, "Everyone is ok, but...". This way the listener can still freak out, but know that nothing truly earth shattering has happened (although it felt like it at the time).  My mom was exactly how I needed her to be and she let me cry enough that I felt better but not so much that I got myself into a fit again. There was an ugly dry heave episode in my office when I first got the news and I was trying to avoid a second live show.

It took her awhile to fully understand what I was telling her and to grasp the possible further implications of this news as it relates to the other kids in my family, but being the practical person she is she won't even let herself go there until she knows there is something to worry about. She got tested the very next day, but won't know anything for two weeks. She is a firm believer in dealing with what you know and learning more about what you don't before you react.  It should be noted that I am a firm believer in the exact opposite!

Just before we wrapped up the call, my mom delivered a true mood lightener, "Well maybe you're not actually identical twins. Maybe you're really fraternal and she doesn't have it". After a brief pause while I took in what she said I gave her a little, "huh"? She quickly started to explain that in those days they didn't really have tests for that like you do now and she knows it's a long shot but you never know and.....on and on an on. When she finally stopped talking I gave another long pause and then went on to explain to her that that was possibly the stupidest thing I'd ever heard and that an explanation like that is the reason the phrase grasping at straws was invented.  We both cracked up because it's just so far fetched. Believe me when I tell you that we are identical through and through right down to crazy teeth issues and freckle patterns.

Once we established that I wasn't buying what she was selling we moved on to my upcoming conversation with my sister. Of course my mom being awesome like she is (and she really is) offered to do it, but I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Plus, I think my sister would want to hear it from me.

I waited until that night I knew she was at home rather than at work. Plus it just felt like an evening time type of conversation. I mean who breaks life changing news to someone during the day right...totally a nighttime affair. She of course thought I was calling about B.ig Br.other because well, that's all we talk about right now (it's finally ended for the season thank goodness). I started to explain it all to her, but I could tell she wasn't getting it. She was clearly understanding that it was a big deal, but as far as how this impacted her, not so much. Finally after a few minutes of my stuttering around like an idiot, she said, "So wait a minute, are you trying to tell me that I can't have kids?" Ugh...heartbreaking.

We talked forever while she got angrier and angrier as I explained her options as I understood them. Not angry at me so much, just the situation. Anger eventually turned to frantic and frantic eventually turned to just plain sad. I am 2.5 years into this fertility bullshit, but at that point she was only like 15 minutes in so I totally understood any emotion she felt like she needed to have.  I think for her it was a mix of realizing that not only is she a Fragile X carrier, but also realizing that since that is the root cause of my POV she most likely is in the same boat but just didn't know it yet. It was kind of a double blow knowing that even if she can somehow get around the initial diagnosis (because there are some options), she was most likely on a sinking baby ship too (too morbid...there aren't any actual babies sinking on a ship if that helps). They had only just started trying two months prior so they hadn't known to be worried yet. Since then many a conversation has been had and I know she's starting to feel better about their situation, but it was definitely a shock for her.

I kinda feel like I am ready to move on from this news now, because I really don't want to let myself dwell on it (more than I already have I mean).  So many of you sweetly reached out though to see how it went with my sister and I didn't want to leave you hanging. My hope is that my mom's test comes back negative which means this came from my dad's side of the family. If that's the case we're in the clear because my brother then can't be a carrier (since father's can't pass this to their son's), and he doesn't have any other biological sisters or children. If it did come from my mom then we'll deal with it and I know it will be fine no matter what.

Oh what a beautiful morning...

2011-09-16T11:36:00.000-04:00

I got a full 8 hours of sleep last night and I swear it's like I was walking on a cloud this morning . I need to remind myself of that the other 364 days a year when I stay up waaaay to late even though I know that I basically have to wake up with the roosters. I'm still like a kid when comes to bedtime feeling like I'm going to miss something fun my parents are doing once I go to bed.  (I now realize since my parents got divorced when I was only six that they apparently weren't doing ANYTHING fun after hours.) I will literally sit on the couch watching TV until my head falls like a kid who takes naps in their high chair. It's pathetic.

I'm officially back on the wagon in the diet department. I call it a diet, but really it's just monitoring how much I eat by writing it down and trying to stay under a certain number of calories. Because the number I try to stay under isn't ridiculously low I think what I'm on is a "healthy eating kick" rather than a diet. I feel so drastically better when I am thinner and eating healthy, but when I slip even for a second, it's like I block all that "you'll feel so much better if you don't" knowledge out. Seeing that cheese, ice cream, burrito, etc. in front of me is like looking into the sun and I am blinded to everything else. So basically I've got on my food shades now and I'm able to look around and see how much happier I am sticking to the plan.

What made me reach for these magic glasses you ask? That would be an amazing opportunity that has come up for H and I (it's not a baby before you get excited...but pretty freaking close). H has a project that he is working on for a client in Hawaii. He does the work from here, but eventually the product will have to be set up and made operational there. For a long time H has been joking that at some point he would have to go there and leave my sorry butt in Albany. As you can imagine, I have informed him that he is smoking crack if he thinks that's going to happen. His response is always that he knows, he's just teasing. His boss would actually be the one to go get things rolling there. OK, good, glad we got that straightened out.

Guess what? As it turns out, H actually IS going to be required to go and they are hinting that they may pay for the wives to go too!  Now cue me literally getting teary eyed as I type this. To say that we need a vacation doesn't even come close to getting across how true that is.  Other than our honeymoon, we pretty much spend all of our vacation time/vacation money visiting family in OH and MA. It sucks, but what can ya do. We love seeing them and aren't willing to give that up for a vacation. To have this opportunity would be such a gift to us right now.

The catch is that they don't know exactly when it will happen and when it does we will only be given three weeks notice. Listen, if those are the cards we're dealt than I will roll with it for this chance. How long can it possibly take to pack my sundresses, bathing suit, lost 20 pounds, and get a spray tan for goodness sake. I suspect the trip won't be until closer to the end of the year, but it's so nice to feel like we have something to look forward to.

I don't have a lot of vacation time at work left for the year, so I may have to take a few days unpaid...we'll see. We need this and the consulting work I've been doing on the side will help to supplement for those few days if need be. Hopefully that side work will have wrapped up by then and I'll be in the clear.

So that's my story.  It's amazing what a decent night's sleep and a possible trip to Hawaii will do for your mood.

Sign Language

2011-09-12T10:37:00.000-04:00

I'm not someone who typically is all that attentive to signs or who easily picks up on messages from God or whomever it is that sends these kind of things. A lot of times I think that maybe I'm just seeing things that I want to see. Kind of like when you read your horoscope and it says that you will soon come into money. The next thing you know you find a quarter lying on the ground and what do ya know, your horoscope was right. Yeah, I pretty much think that most of the time we're just trying to find something to believe in. Well this weekend I think I experienced and honest to goodness hit you in the fact sign.

I was driving along on Saturday talking to my sister on the phone. We were doing what has now become our three times a day ritual of bitching to each other on the phone about our latest news. We figure that it's better to use each other as a sounding board rather than to drag everyone around us down. We can be extra negative and dramatic with each other and it's sort of ok. Neither will try to plan the devils advocate or see the bright side (which there always is one I know), it's just full on feeling sorry for ourselves with no shame. We're actually really lucky in that way that we have each other to do this with.

Don't worry, I was on my speaker phone. I have learned my lesson about talking on my cell phone while driving. Plus, let me assure you that with the look I've been sporting this last week no amount of eyelash batting (which I am totally not above) was going to cover the dark circles and lack of makeup I had going on. So I pretty much needed to obey the law if I was going to avoid a ticket (don't ya just hate that).

So just as I'm stopped at a light and she's in the middle of the sentence, "What in the world are we supposed to do now.", when I look at the license plate of the car parked ahead of me. I swear to you on my one remaining egg in my one remaining ovary that it said ADOPTONE. It was in all caps and it was not more than two feet ahead of me. We started cracking up and were both like, "Fine, we get it". It really helped to lift the black cloud that I feel has been hanging over my head this last week. Adoption was our number one plan anyway, but geesh.

If that hadn't brought me out of my funk, I'm sure that the 10th anniversary of September 11th would have. Nothing puts your own problems into perspective quite like an actual tragedy. That kind of suffering is not something that I feel like I can even comprehend and that reminds me more than any sign I could see that I am actually really lucky.

In keeping with my tradition of ending every post with something completely frivolous, can we discuss how I kicked ass with not only my own football team (The B.eng.als), but with both of my fantasy leagues yesterday. Should it matter in the grand scheme of things, no, does it, hell yes!

On a lighter note

2011-09-09T16:11:00.001-04:00

Yep, two posts back to back. I’m wild and crazy I know. My head was so clogged up with our news yesterday that there is a definite backup of random thoughts bouncing around up there. The last couple of weeks our Internet was down at work, but now that it’s back up I plan to devote a good portion of my working hours to reading/updating/commenting on mine and everyone else’s blogs. I mean why would they give a girl access to the old world wide web if they didn’t want her to use it right?

My last post was such a downer that I feel like this day needs to be filled with all things completely off topic and random to try to right my mental ship so to speak. So here ya go:

· I have run out of plastic spoons in my office so I’ve basically been doing the grossest thing possible. Rather than walk my lazy ass upstairs to the kitchen (which is near the bathroom so you know I’m near it every single day, sometimes multiple times a day), I have no less than three times taken a random pen or pencil and stirred my tea. I know, I know, it’s a haven of germs. I am totally grossed out by it too but yet it hasn’t stopped me.

· I recently found out that I have big ears. Yep, you read that right. How is it possible that I have lived on this earth for nearly 25 years (just go with it ok, Fragile X and my real age all in one week…I don’t think so). My sister lives in Los Angeles and works as an extra/stand-in on movies and TV shows. She was recently told that they were swapping her out for another actress in a scene because her ears stuck out too much and were distracting in the shot. Normally I would make no end of fun of her for this type of thing, but not when it’s my TWIN! Her “big ears” are the same as mine and apparently they are unsightly. Now that it was brought to my attention I realize that it’s so true. What the hell! How have I (who has the lowest self esteem of almost anyone I know) never latched on to this little fact? So there’s that.

· There truly is no hiding from people these days. There is a consultant who I work with who needed to get in-touch with me this week. He called my office and found that I was out to lunch (that’s not code for anything, I was truly out to lunch). When he didn’t hear back from me after one hour (I was on a conference call by then) he e-mailed me, called my cell, and called our other office to see if anyone could get in touch with me. I love technology as much as the next girl, but give me a break. How are you supposed to hide from people in this day and age when there are so many ways to get in touch? I don’t want to resort to hiding in the bathrooms but I totally will if I have to.

· Lastly I want to thank you all for your support. The messages, e-mails, texts, etc. that I received yesterday did more to lift my spirits than you will ever know. Becoming a part of this online community has been the best decision I’ve made throughout this crazy infertility process by far. I hope I can be there to support you all as much as you are there for me!

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Message received!

2011-09-08T10:15:00.000-04:00

I can officially say that I now feel that I have officially been beat down to the point where I am throwing up my hands. I feel like shouting up to the sky that the message has been received!

I realized yesterday that after two weeks of waiting I still hadn't gotten the results of the blood work I had done a couple of weeks ago for Karyotype and Fragile X. I think I talked about it a little here. They didn't actually expect to find anything, but it's just so odd that my body responds so poorly to the drugs and that I am experiencing premature ovarian failure that they wanted to try to get to the root cause as we continue down the IVF path and a genetic disorder was on the list of things to check off.

I called my RE's office yesterday and spoke to a nurse who pulled up my chart right away. Immediately she was able to tell me that the Karyotyping had come back completely normal. Then she stopped in her tracks and started to stutter around acting as if she couldn't find the results of the Fragile X test. She eventually said that she guessed they weren't back yet but she's sure they would arrive soon and I could check back in. I could tell that she was acting weird, but didn't think much of it. To be honest, some of the nurses ARE weird so it wasn't totally out of the norm.

About 3:30 yesterday I was sitting in my office and my phone rang and I saw it was my RE's office calling. When I picked up the phone and heard my actual doctors voice and not the nurse I knew things were about to get bad. It was one of those head swirling moments where you are trying to stay present but you just can't.

He explained to me that they had found something surprising in my Fragile X results. As it turns out, I am a carrier of a very early form of the pre-mutation of the gene.  It's all very over my head and hard for me to understand, but basically a carrier is an individual who carriers an altered form of a gene which can lead to having a child or offspring in future generations with a genetic disorder. So basically even though I'm only a carrier and show very mild side effects (premature ovarian failure), it will continue to get worse with each generation if it is passed on.  The statistics I have read say that this syndrome accounts for between one third and one half of all X-linked mental retardation.

My RE told me that if a man carries the Fragile X gene he will not pass it along to his son, but will definitely pass it along to his daughter. If a women has the Fragile X gene she has a 50/50 chance of passing it along to her children.

I found this explanation on the March of Dimes website:
Each person has 23 pairs of chromosomes, or 46 individual chromosomes. The pair of sex chromosomes (X and Y) determines whether a person is male or female. Normally, females have two X chromosomes, and males have one X chromosome and one Y chromosome. Because females have two X chromosomes, a female who inherits one X chromosome with the abnormal FMR-1 gene still has the other unaffected X chromosome. Therefore, females are affected by fragile X syndrome less frequently than males. When affected, females tend to have less severe symptoms than males. Males generally are more severely affected because they have only one X chromosome, and it contains the abnormal gene.

The mutation that causes fragile X syndrome is a genetic “stutter.” This means that a small section of genetic material within the gene is repeated too many times. Most people who do not have fragile X syndrome have between 5 and 40 repeats of this section of the gene. People who have more than 200 repeats of the gene have fragile X syndrome. More than 200 repeats is called a full mutation. A full mutation causes the gene to turn off and not make the protein it usually makes. The protein normally is found in many types of cells but mostly in nerve cells (3). Scientists think the protein helps brain development and may help nerve cells in the brain communicate (3, 5).

Immediately my mind went to my identical twin sister. She and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for just a few months and are in full on baby mode at this point. My RE was very clear with me. If I have this, my sister has a 100% chance of having it too. I honestly couldn't breathe at that point. He told me that the next call I made needed to be to my sister to share with her what I know. So basically this man wanted me to hang up the phone and call my sister who has no clue that she is even going to have any trouble getting pregnant, let alone this ridiculousness, and tell her that she basically has to make the hardest decision of her life. A decision that will most likely end with her not having biological children.

It was something I'll never forget and something I honestly feel devastated and almost betrayed (by who exactly I don't know) to have had to do. There are several moments in this infertility journey that have stood out for me. When we found out about the ectopic and learned that they would have to remove my ovary, when a nurse offhandedly mentioned that I might want to think about donor eggs before it was even on our radar, when we walked away from our second meeting with the potential adoptive family and just knew she didn't choose us, when we got the results of our very first IUI back negative. These were all punch you in the gut type of beats and right then and there you just know you will never be quite the same. To have had to call and give what I know was one of those moments to my sister was too much for me.

The doctor also explained that I needed to have both my mother and father tested to see which side it came from. The reason being that we need to figure out if it affects my little sister, brothers, and niece. Worrying about that isn't a road I can even start to let myself go down right now. Best case scenario is that it hit my sister and I and skipped everyone else. That's my story for now and I'm sticking to it until someone tells me different.  We'll know more once we figure out what side of the family it came from. I wouldn't want my parents to have one second of guilt (who in the world can control this kind of thing or would even know to look for it), but the fact that we even need to research this further makes me worry that they will.  After all they have done for me, that thought makes me sick to my stomach.

There are options for people who find themselves in this situation. The first is that you could go through IVF (a necessity for us if we are going to conceive), and then have an amnio to see if the child has a mutation of the gene. Once you have that information you have a very difficult choice about carrying to term.  That is not an option for us. The second is that you could go through IVF and test the eggs retrieved to see if they carry a mutation of the gene. This is a very pricey option and one that most likely would not be available to us as they were already concerned about getting a viable egg to begin with. The third is to take your chances and hope for the best. A loving sweet child with challenges is above all a loving sweet child and I’ll bet it you’d ask their parents they would say that they wouldn’t trade that child for the world. What child doesn't have some type of challenges. The forth is that you use donor eggs. This is something that H and I had previously ruled out for the time being. Of course that was when we still had hope so who knows.

In the end, I think that we are going to turn our attention 100% back to adoption.  As for my sister, she has a lot of thinking and planning to do. The first step is to get genetic counseling of her own. If we have to rely on my understanding of this thing then we're all officially sunk I can tell ya.

I know that there are probably so many of you out there dealing with this because my research has told me that it is frighteningly common. I would love any advice, stories, words of wisdom you might have.

I think I need to wrap this post (which has gone on forever) on a positive note because there are a ton of things to be positive about. I am lucky in so many ways. We have friends and family who could not be rooting for us more, we have an adoption profile out there and you just never know when that could come through, and we have each other. To say that H can't speak up fast enough to tell me that we are in this together and we will get through it would be an understatement. Things will be ok I know, I'm just having a little trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel today.

Labor Day Wrap-Up

2011-09-06T10:18:00.000-04:00

You know how they say, "Mo Money, Mo Problems". Yeah, well I would like to get the opportunity to test that theory. I'm must sayin.

So in our quest to save money for IVF we decided that our annual US Open Tennis Tournament "first date" weekend would be cut to a day trip and we would do it on the super cheap. We were mostly successful at that, but of course there were a few unanticipated splurges. In keeing with our tradition of recreating that first date, we went out to eat at our usual Italian place (thank goodness I had chosen a great restaurant for our first date...think if I'd have tried to give the impression that I was Vegan or something to impress him). We did get to walk the High Line and hang out in Central Park for a few hours before the tournament. When it was all said and done we pulled back into our driveway at 3:00am. The lesson here is that I am too freaking old to be keeping rock star hours. I literally slept until 3:00pm yesterday!! So basically I celebrated Labor Day by doing the exact opposite of labor.

When I say we mostly saved money, you can see what I'm referring to below. We couldn't have looked more touristy getting this done. So unnecessary, but really fun.

Tonight is my second and final fantasy football draft with a group of my girlfriends. I am making turkey chili and cheesy cornbread. Something about chili and football just seem to go together. A girls gotta find the silver lining to the weather that I know winter is going to bring.

This couldn't be more off topic, but it drives me crazy and I experienced it no less than 5 times on Saturday. I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure this is an East Coast thing because I don't remember ever noticing it when I lived in the Mid-West. It could be that I'm just getting more observant in my old age, but since I hit my garbage can with my car placed out for the trashman in our driveway after having just walked past it minutes before I'm thinking that's not the case.

So here it is. What is up with people not understanding the concept of the single file line? It drives me out of my mind when I am standing in line and someone who SHOULD BE standing behind me is literally standing beside me. It's like they think the poor cashier is going to look up and go, "Oh, I was going to take my time, but now that I see those two women are so desperate to make the line move that they are literally standing side by side I think I'll hurry." Not only that, but when I hear someone say, standing "on-line" rather than "in-line" it is nails on a chalkboard to me! Ok, my venting over meaningless nonsense has commenced.

Ask and you shall receive

2011-08-30T14:12:00.000-04:00

Here is the pic I talked about in my last post. The result of too much time and too little dignity on both our parts! What, not everyone floats around their backyard using a grill brush as an ore? :)

Still no internet or phones at my office, and lots of water in the office basement, but other than that life is getting back to normal after Irene.

We made it

2011-08-29T13:35:00.000-04:00

Please excuse any typos in this post. Because of the hurricane we lost internet and phone service here at work so I am typing this on my phone using my portable keyboard that H got me for Christmas. We actually weathered the storm with little problem and mosty used it as an excuse to eat and clean. Throughout the day we were constantly making statements like, "Well, I guess we should do laundry just in case the power goes out later", or "Well, I guess we should eat lunch a little early because it's supposed to get really bad around noon and we might lose power", or my favorite "I'm bored, lets eat". :) We luckily never did lose power. H's office did flood, but hopefully they'll have it cleaned up by tomorrow (for now it's a good excuse for him to have another day off).

All joking aside, we were exteremely lucky to have had little to no problems because there were definitely people in our area who weren't as fortunate.

I knew I was in trouble around noon yesterday when I saw H holding his camera and wearing his swim trunks. Ain't nothing good coming from that combo. Sure enough, his wheels were ah turnin. The end result was a picture of him making it appear as though he is floating through out backyard umbrella turned inside out using a grill brush as an ore. I wish I was joking! I also wish I could post it here, but I think my technology problems today are going to cause problems. Needless to say, we are ridiculous people who cannot be trusted with the dangerous combo of technology and free time.

To be honest, we had an awesome weekend. On Saturday we went to the farmers market, fed the ducks, each got new glasses (the nerdiest date ever), and went to the movie. I felt like we were in one of those movie montages where our day was being set to music or something. That followed by a whole day of hurricane hiding out and it was just all around a nice weekend.

I hope everyone else out there in blog land was as lucky.

The next step

2011-08-24T14:46:00.000-04:00

Work has been keeping me super busy, but I have to find time to blog. This is my only outlet for the crazy and you know there is more than enough of that to go around.

So you know how I was all, "We'll reassess after the first of the year and then decide about IVF". Yeah, F that. After a long and probably unnecessarily serious conversation about our game plan, H came to the realization that for my peace of mind over the next fifty years (God willing) IVF needs to be on our bucket list. You have no idea the relief I felt to hear that he was on board. That is a complete turn around from the brick wall I've been hitting up until now. Our conversation with the RE went a long way towards convincing him that there is a glimmer of hope and I think that is what he needed to hear.

Do we have the money for this little adventure, no we most certainly don't. What we have decided though is that there is no reason we can't put our mind to saving it. If we needed a new car you can damn sure bet we'd find the money. Everything seems overwhelming until you do it and then you almost always look back and wonder why you made such a big deal about it in the first place. I'm hoping that will be the case with giving up all extras over the next several months in order to make this happen (a much anticipated girls weekend with some awesome blog friends was scrapped to make time for extra for consulting work and I don't plan to have that be for nothing). Our plan is to save like maniacs from now until February, and then give it a go in March if not sooner. I'm picturing Scrooge McDuck counting his gold coins. :)

If an adoption comes through before we make it to March I will be beyond thrilled (you have no idea), but until then we are going to concentrate on achieving our dream of becoming parents going the old IVF route. This is a road we feel like we have some control over navigating, so this is where our car is steered until someone tells us it's time to turn around and head in the other direction. We are truly truly ready for anything!

This may be a Hail Mary for us given my baby makin restrictions I know, but it's a chance we will be so grateful to have. Honestly, I feel so lucky to have these irons in the fire. I am acutely aware that not everyone gets this chance and I don't intend to forget that.

Two side notes:

First I unfortunately am definitely not pregnant after our 6th IUI. Thankfully I had a reprieve from the TWW and started my period almost 6 days early. Very weird. It sucks to have had the IUI not work, but I am so glad not to have had a drawn out situation with the same end result. No tears, no sad conversations, just a "Nope, not pregnant" and on to the next thing. It was kind of a relief to have already made my peace with it beforehand (and actually mean it).

Second, I plan to call myself an "earthquake survivor" after yesterday's tremor. Who cares if the only side effect was the water in my glass swaying from side to side. :)

Mixed Bag

2011-08-18T15:54:00.001-04:00

After writing a post on Wednesday that literally made me think to myself, "Wow, that one was really long", I pushed publish only to find that not only did it want me to log in again, but it had not been saving what I had typed. Back to square one I went with a few bad words uttered along the way. This will be a much shorter and less interesting post I'm sure (how's that for build-up).

We made it back from Ohio safe and sound on Monday. Lots of partying was had by all...OH style of course. We celebrated my niece Lucy's first birthday which was as cute and sweet as it's supposed to be. She went to town on her cake and did us all proud...as anticipated.

The next day my mom hosted a going away BBQ for my little sister and about 30 of her friends and their families. It was a carry in and a chance to say one final goodbye before the kids leave for college next week. When it came time for us to leave and I had to say goodbye to her at the airport I created a scene right out of a freaking movie. Had you witnessed this little show I put on as an outsider, you would have thought one of us was heading to the front lines rather than North Carolina for college.  She was calm as a cucumber of course, but I cried and carried on like a nut. All and all it was an awesome weekend and I definitely hated to return to the real world.

The rest of the week has been jam packed as well. Within minutes of walking in the door from our trip, I received the results of my AMH test from a couple of weeks ago. Why they are just doing this test now I will never know, but what can ya do.  For those of you who don't know, it's the test that basically measures your ovarian reserve. Mine was a barely detectable < 0.16. When you consult the chart to see where that number falls it's basically in a column all it's own under the title of no seriously, what's your real number. It officially puts me in the old diminished ovarian reserve category.

Although we are still in the middle of our TWW from our 6th IUI, we are fairly certain that we aren't going to have any luck this time around either.  After receiving the results, I made a last minute appointment with our RE to get a little bit of a post mortem about what that number means, where we go from here, and is it worth even trying anything else. The truth is, we know that we can't afford IVF right now. I have pretty much agreed all along that if IUI didn't work, that was it. I logically know that, but now that we are there, I am having trouble. My heart is telling me that if there is any chance it could work I need to know about it. I don't want to look in the mirror 10 years from now and wonder what if. I know that I'll regret it and that though keeps me up at night.

After waiting an hour and 15 minutes in the waiting room for him (he was super apologetic), he explained the options to H and I. It was a mixed bag of information for sure. He told us that he honestly just doesn't get it. He knows that I have endometriosis he knows that I have only one ovary, he knows that I have a high FSH, he NOW knows that I have a super low AMH, but even given all that, he just doesn't understand why I don't respond better to drugs.  For someone my age he just expects more. The smart ass in me wanted to say, "Yeah, join the club", but the people pleaser in me said, "I know, it's odd right".

On an up note, he was super impressed with the old ectopic in the ovary thing. One in 30,000...make a girl blush why don't ya.

He doesn't think there is much reason to pursue additional IUI's. We can if we want of course (insurance covers 3 more), but they have hit me with their biggest and best drug wise and my ovary basically shrugs it's shoulders as though it could care less.

When it came time to talk about what was next, I think I wanted him to say, "Hell no silly girl, put that IVF nonsense out of your mind"... he didn't. What he did say is that we shouldn't expect to get many eggs. We should know that what we get from IVF isn't going to be drastically better than what we get from an IUI follicle wise. However, that doesn't mean it won't work and that doesn't mean we should rule it out. It means we should be realistic...not one of my strong points. One good thing is that we could use a lot of our IUI drugs on an IVF cycle. Even though the IVF isn't covered, it would be a huge help to have the drugs taken care of.  We'll just fill all our RX's as though we're doing an IUI but then use it for our own purposes.

He did say that he would rather get two eggs from a 34 year old than 14 eggs from a 45 year old. So I got that going for me I guess...    He said he doesn't think we need to move on to donor eggs yet if that isn't something we are prepared for (which we're not...H just can't wrap his mind around it and neither can I if I'm being honest). I know that realistically the odds of this working and those lets say two eggs, surviving clear until they are placed back in my baby oven are very low, but they do exist. Ugh...for once I was almost wishing for no hope and now here I sit with questions and no clear path how to proceed.

The plan is to sit on this information for now. We need to think about it, process it, and access our finances after the 1st of the year. The real job will be weighing the cost to benefit ratio. I do think this appointment went a long way toward making H consider IVF and the costs associated with it. That to me is a huge plus.

Adoption is our number one priority right now and if we could do something to help that process along we would. Unfortunately we are in wait and see mode and that's just the way it is. If we had a baby through adoption would that help to squelch my IVF yearning...maybe. Maybe not, who knows. But we don't and right now it's a little hard to swallow not exhausting every other option.

In the mean time, they are going to test me for chromosomal issues to see if that could be the cause of my ovary pulling this super aging stunt (Fragile X among others). These tests will also be helpful information to pass along to my twin as well.

It felt good to talk to someone who I honestly think knows what he's talking about and it felt even better to know what our options are now matter what happens.

One more thing he advised was to begin taking DHEA supplements. Anyone ever take these. Apparently there have been studies that show this may help with egg production. The side effects are acne and hair loss. Umm...add a little increased need to urinate and loss of bowel control to that list and you can count me in! :)

Leaving on a jet plane

2011-08-12T09:58:00.000-04:00

We're off for the weekend to attend my niece Lucy's first birthday party in OH. I am so excited to see her and the rest of my family.

We have gotten in the habit the last few years of driving the 11 hours for our visits. It's nice because it does ultimately save us money and we are able to pack in a ton of stuff to haul back and forth with little effort. I AM NOT a carry on only girl when we fly (I need my liquids), so it's much easier to throw things in the car and go.  What it does cost us is a little bit of our mental health each trip home! We are completely exhausted by the time we get there after driving through the night and by the time we catch up sleep wise over the two days we're there it's time to hop back in the car and head back to NY.

H sent me a text yesterday and asked if I cared if he splurged for some honest to goodness plane tickets. I felt like freaking Ivanka Trump. Ummm...hell no I don't care. It's so expensive to buy them at the last minute, but in this case we both felt like it was totally worth it. We're burnt out and tired of living on the edge of sanity. I believe he even said, "We deserve it don't we".

Knowing how easy the trip home was going to be has completely flipped my mood. I honestly think I woke up with a cartoon bird on my shoulder this morning singing in my ear. It doesn't hurt that I got my airbrush tan on yesterday too. That always makes me feel more human. Did I mention on here that I found a women who makes house calls?? It is so indulgent and unnecessary, but now that I have seen that the grass really is greener on the other side there's no going back.

Because I totally missed Thought Vomit Thursday yesterday I thought I'd throw one crazy bullet point out at ya. I have mentioned that I have an identical twin sister who lives in L.A. Because she and her husband have now started trying for a baby we occasionally talk about feminine issues that I would NEVER has spoken to her about previously. Well, we have come to the realization over the last couple of months that even with the time difference, even with the fact that we only see each other once a year, even though I have messed with my cycles by way of hormones to the point where they don't know if they are coming or going, even though some months I am later or early based on who knows what, and so on. We are still on exactly the same cycle. I mean within one hour of each other. Is that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard? It's been three months in a row now.   Crazy!

Keep your eyes peeled the next time the circus comes to town. It's possible that you could see the "Cycling Sisters" as the featured act next to the bearded lady (something that offends me a little more all the time the older I get...poor women was probably having fertility treatments).

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Turn that frown upside down...no seriously

2011-08-10T12:35:00.001-04:00

Fair warning to anyone who may come into contact with me today. I woke up in a horrible mood. It started with a spat the previous night with H that is too embarrassingly stupid to even discuss. We obviously got over it, but it definitely set the tone for the day. A day I was trying so hard to make focused and relaxed.  Fail!

Once I was released out into the "wilderness" of upstate NY I was free to spread my sunshine to others.  I soon came face to face (or face to...you know) with the nurse doing my IUI. She couldn't have been nicer, but that didn't stop my winning attitude from shining through. Poor women didn't know what hit her. Our IUI conversation went a little something like this:

Me: So at my last ultrasound you said that there is one dominant follicle. I don't remember what she said about if there were there others close behind?
Her: Nope, it looks like just the one.
Me: Why is that? I hear about women all the time who have to cancel their IUI's because they have produced too many follicles and yet I have just one! That seems odd to me.
Her: Every month is different though. Lets look back at your chart (as she logs on to the computer). It looks like a few months ago you had two follicles, but the other 5 cycles, yep, it's just been the one.
Me: So you mean after all the drugs, time, and money the end result is one follicle? Which is exactly the same number I most likely produce on my own each month for free?
Her: Well, I guess that's true, but you never know.
Me: A huge sigh following by a "Wonderful". (All the while throwing my "signature" look complete with eye roll)

I know it isn't her fault that my body likes to thumb its nose at modern day fertility treatments, but the nurses are the only people you really see at these appointments and I had a real feeling of urgency about telling someone how I felt. I also know that "it only takes one" and all that, but for today my bad attitude keeps reminding me that it only takes one lottery ticket to win the lottery too and you don't see people putting too much energy into that option for paying the bills.

Here's another gem from our time together:

Her: So we have you scheduled to take your progesterone suppository once a day beginning Saturday.
Me: When I was here on Monday they suggested that maybe I should take it two times a day this cycle.
Her: (As she shrugs her shoulders) If you have had low progesterone in the past than it can't hurt to take two each day. It's totally up to you.
Me: Really, because I kind of feel like your advice is why I come here sooo...can I get your thoughts?

Call me crazy, but the last words I want to here from a medical professional are, "Whatever you think. It's totally up to you".

I know that this isn't an exact science and I know I have to be my own advocate, but help a girl out for heaven's sake.

I think today was just a pile up of all the run around talk I've been getting from the adoption agency, the RE, and my own body. I had just had enough. I know that tomorrow will be better and this is just one off day. Just so you know, just as I typed this I had a vision of Oak singing "The sun will come out, tomorrow" from Annie and it made me smile.  See, looking up already. :)

Ok, now that I've gotten it out I'm going to work on turning it around!

I showed it who was boss

2011-08-09T11:23:00.000-04:00

To all of you self shooters out there, this is going to sound like no big deal at all, but to me it kind of is. Thank you all for the advice about how far in advance your RE's have you trigger. It reassured me that I'm not crazy and that my RE is definitely on the crazy early side. We were instructed to trigger today for tomorrow's IUI.

I decided that since this is our 6th and most likely last IUI, I would take matters into my own hands (literally). They don't recommend doing more than 6 before moving on to IVF and to be honest it's probably good that they have that marker. I could see us doing them until the end of time without a second thought. It's become a little too routine and old hat for my taste.

I would do IVF tomorrow if I had the money to do both that and pursue adoption, but we just don't. Between the endometriosis, one ovary, high FSH, they just don't give me much hope when it comes to IVF and my odds. That would be a chance I am willing to take if I had the money, but the tree out back hasn't started producing $50's yet so IUI's it is.

Anyway, so today is possibly my last injection and I was feeling a little sentimental about it. I know...dork. Anyway, I decided that not only was I going to trigger 12 hours before they advised (so basically 24 hours before the IUI), but I was going to do it myself! For all the injections we've done over the last two years, I have always made H do them. Partly because I like that he is somehow involved, but mostly because I'm a big old wimp. Because of my renegade "trigger before I'm supposed to" plan I had to do it this morning at work. I marched my fatter than it used to be ass up to the bathroom and showed that tiny little needle who was boss. It felt like a good way to end things and I got a sick little rush from it. So it was win win. :)

So tomorrow is the IUI, Friday another acupuncture appointment, and Saturday back to waiting on the phone to ring hoping that it will be the adoption agency saying they have a baby for us.

Eggs and Dog Poop, and unlikely combination

2011-08-08T11:34:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's Monday again. I start complaining right around noon on Sunday about not wanting to go back to work the next day. I basically make my last day of the weekend so full of anxiety that I ruin what's left of my time off. I'm a masochist, what can I say.

I had a follow-up monitoring appointment today. I was prepared to get the normal "low and slow" speech I always get. I think we were both surprised when she realized that I had a follicle almost ready to go. One poor little stray egg ready to make a debut. I was too caught off guard to ask how far back the others were.

She debated on what to do, but ultimately decided that we should do one more night of meds, trigger tomorrow night, and IUI on Wednesday morning. Hopefully that will give another a little time to catch up. My RE has a policy of triggering 12 hours prior to the IUI and then having us try naturally (ya know, the big SEX) on our own the next night after the IUI. I think 12 hours after trigger seems super fast doesn't it?? Am I crazy? I know that there is the possibility that we could get pregnant on our own trying naturally if the IUI takes place too soon after trigger, but what's the point of all that washing and ironing (my new description for the process of cleaning H's junk) if it's going to be too soon anyway? Does any of that make sense? Wouldn’t it make more sense to do it 24 hours or so after the trigger? This is our 6th count em' 6th IUI! I may take matters into my own hands and trigger sometime tomorrow afternoon rather than tomorrow morning with the hope that the timing will be right.

I am actually super relieve that this cycle has been fairly short. We are heading to OH this coming weekend and I was prepared for some type of stressful last minute situation where H had to throw himself and his business over the finish line just as we were heading out of town. As enjoyable as that would have been for me to see, I'm happy it's working out this way instead.

It's super nice to be doing an IUI that honestly feels pretty low stress and low urgency. I've been enjoying acupuncture, I've got 3/4 of my "eggs" in our adoption basket, and I just have very low expectations all around. Take THAT you "just relax and it will happen" preachers. Now, if by some chance this does work and we do become pregnant, I will NEVER admit that I was relaxed during this cycle! :)

This couldn't be more out of the blue or off topic, but someone has been letting their dog shit in my flower beds. Yes I said shit in my flower beds. I know that dog laws vary from state to state, but in NY that is a HUGE hell no.

As it is our way to overreach to most things, H has finally gotten his wish and is installing a motion detection camera outside our house. His little technology minded brain has been looking for any excuse to do this for a long time and he saw his chance to go for it when I started complaining about my flower beds. I have given him a strong look and talking too about the fact that I trust him and if I ever find out those cameras are being used for evil rather than good (aka, taping me in any way) it will be a very sad day for him. Unfortunately I don't think that thought had ever crossed his mind and all I've done is put the idea into his head. Oh well.

I can't wait to bust the offender. I have big plans for calling them out To Catc.h a P.reditor style with videotaped proof and all. Between Bi.g B.rothe.r and now this, all doubt that we need to get a life has officially been wiped away.

Thought Vomit Thursday

2011-08-04T14:45:00.000-04:00

Be on high alert peer pressure, I am shaking my fist in your general direction. I have decided to give in and join the ranks of those participating in Thought Vomit Thursday started by none other than the queen of vomit herself; on second thought, maybe we'll go with the queen of though, Natalie from I was told there would be pajamas. I acknowledge upfront that my jumping on this bandwagon is basically the equivalent of sitting with the cool kids in the back of the school bus.

The rules are pretty simple. If you're thinking it you're typing it. No rules, no structure (you know, cause my blog is normally so structured and everything), just whatever is on your mind. Here we go:

I have recently become the biggest freak when it comes to being scared by the littlest things. Now I have always been a wimp, a long told joke in my family, but recently it has taken on a life of its own. On at least six occasions I have walked into a room to find H sitting there minding his business. I for some reason will have not realized he was going to be in there and my instinct is to scream like a man with razors for hands is after me. My mind then goes on auto pilot forcing me to do my best cowardly lion impression with my dukes up ready to kick someones ass. H is not amused by this new behavior let me tell you. The other day I literally walked into our living room and H had laid his shirt and pants on the armchair ( a habit that needs to go by the way). At first glance it looked like someone was sitting in the chair and I jumped so far and fast that I almost lost my footing slamming myself into the wall behind me. Now I love a good Funniest Home Video as much as the next girl, but what the hell. God forbid he wake me up from a sleep. He learned the hard way that that's a sure fire way to obtain a black eye.

I have recently become disgusted by the amount of out and out PDA on Facebook. I'm not talking about your normal status update or note back and forth, I'm talking about the out and out bedroom talk that I have seen go on. It is seriously gross and I believe I have come to a realization (made up by me and possibly completely false). The bigger show you put on for your "friends" about how happy you are at home, the less likely you are to actually be happy at home. It is truly the grossest form of overcompensation to me.

My name is Elizabeth and I am addicted to Bi.g Broth.er. There, I said it. I am ashamed to say that my hygiene has even suffered due to this obsession on more than one occasion. The fact that I will liberally watch other people do dishes and laundry while I have piles of both waiting to be done is ridiculous even to me. It's just so freaking good!

Ok, that'll do me for my first Thought Vomit Thursday. Carry on about your business. :)

Falling apart!

2011-08-03T12:44:00.000-04:00

I will begin this post by acknowledging that the alternative is much suckier...there, I've acknowledged that dying would suck.

This is just a post to let everyone know that my body is officially falling apart one limb/organ at a time.

When I was little I remember my Dad would stand up from the couch and make an audible groan. My dad was only 22 when he had my sister and I mind you, so he is fairly young. We would roll our eyes and talk about how dramatic he was as he clutched his back and shuffled off. I specifically remember thinking that if I ever overreached that way to anything at his age to just take me out back and shoot me. The current question on my mind...Where Is The GUN???

Good grief. I have one thing after another falling apart on my body. It's never anything so serious that you can't stand it, or lift threatening (thank goodness) just annoying enough that you groan and complain all the time. Well I suppose you wouldn't have to complain all the time, but I'm a giver and its just a little something I like to share with those around me.

Here are a few of my latest and greatest hits. Plantar Fasciitis in my right foot (a condition which makes me limp like I just ran a marathon for a good part of my day), a wrist pain that is now going to require an MRI and a nerve test (a new treat I recently picked up), eczema (a long standing pain in my ass), endometriosis (a long standing pain in my you know where), pre-skin cancers that have to be frozen (a gift that will keep on giving I'm sure), elbow fat (ok, so that's not really an illness, but it counts as something I hate about getting older so there you go), etc. The list goes on and on.

I'm starting to feel like B.eetlejuic.e (a movie I absolutely love) at the point in the movie where random body parts start falling off and he just sticks them back on as if nothing has happened.

You know how some people say how much wiser they are as an older person and how they would never want to experience their 20's again. I'm not one of those older wiser types. If anything I feel a little dumber than before. Like I said, the alternative is definitely worse so I'll accept it and keep truckin along.

I am not pleased

2011-08-02T14:58:00.000-04:00

I hate feeling like all of my posts are depressing, but I also want the blog to be a true history of our journey so I feel like I need to be honest with everything that goes on.

I can't remember how much I've said on the blog about the other family who had potentially been interested in meeting with us clear back in June. I keep getting real life and the blog world confused. It was actually the first call we got from the agency letting us know someone was interested. They were a multi-racial couple who just didn't want to be parents. We were so excited and were completely caught off guard when the very next call we got from the agency a week later or so was to let us know that another girl (the girl we ultimately met with) had chosen us as her #1 choice essentially knocking the other couple out of the running based on her being due before them. I know it was upsetting to that couple that they weren't going to have the chance to meet with us and they had hoped if things fell through they would still have the chance. We felt bad about it too, but unfortunately it was completely out of our hands. Of course we wouldn't have minded being "claimed" had she not changed her mind, but we all know how that story went.

One thing that made the month long wait when things were still up in the air so harsh was thinking that the longer she took to make up her mind the more chance there was that the opportunity with the other couple could pass us by. So in the back of our minds these last couple of weeks we've been thinking that we would still have the chance to meet with that family now that the placement had fallen through. Well, that would be a big fat negative. We got the call today from the agency that unfortunately that isn't going to happen. That couple has met with two other families in the meantime that they really like and don't want to make the decision harder on themselves than it already is (which we understand). So it is now officially back to square one in the old adoption department.

I'm not so much sad as a little bitter about the wasted time. I know that when it's supposed to happen it will happen and all that (I really do) but for the next day or so I am giving myself permission to be just a little pissed. I'll be interested to see what my acupuncturist can do for pissed at my appointment tonight. I don't even want to know where that needle would go!

I think I can, I think I can

2011-08-02T09:30:00.000-04:00

So I guess we’ll file this under things that wouldn’t have happened 10 years ago. Yesterday I awoke to a friend request on my Facebook account from the mother who ultimately didn’t choose us to raise her baby. I was half asleep when I read the e-mail and honestly had to rub my eyes to make sure I was seeing it clearly. H’s request wasn’t far behind.

How she knew our last name I’m not sure, but there it was. It seems completely inappropriate to me and beyond bad for my mental health, but you know I couldn’t resist accepting. I immediately regretted it as I now know that she is having a girl and was flooded with ultrasound pictures on her “wall”. Ugh!

Although she is very mature in some ways for her age, in other ways she is just your typical 19 year old full of over-sharing and lots and lots of too much information. I think now that I’ve scratched that itch so to speak, I'm gonig to unfriend her. It’s just too hard and depressing and I honestly can’t see the benefit to it other than satisfying my morbid curiosity. H compared it to being dumped by a long term boyfriend/girlfriend who then asks you if you want to hang out sometimes and still be friends. Umm…no thanks.

So this is also going to sound a little nonchalant and out of the blue, but H and I have decided to try to squeeze in an injectable cycle IUI this month. We have a trip to Ohio coming up the weekend of the 13^th of August so hopefully we’ll just make it in under the wire. It was a last minute decision that we based on the fact that we had a refill left of each of our meds out there and because we’ve met our ridiculous deductible for this year ($3,000), it will be free to us to do it. It just seems like now is as good of time as any while we wait to be chosen by a birth family and we both have kind of a why not attitude about it.

It’s funny because I think in the past we felt like fertility treatments were our best option for a baby and adoption was something to have on the back burner as a just in case. These days the tables have definitely turned and we feel that adoption is ultimately probably how we will someday become parents and the IUI is our back burner option. It feels good to be pursing a treatment but not feeling quite as desperate as I normally do.

I did make a couple of acupuncture appointments over the next two weeks to see if I can get my poor little ovary fired up. Bless her heart, she’s just chugging along trying her best to hatch the dwindling eggs I’ve got in there. I realized today that when I think of my ovary (who we’re going to call Bess) that I picture the little engine that could just trying to climb that damn hill. J

Long story short, I went this morning for baseline ultrasound and bloodwork and we are off to the races with our meds starting tonight. We're doing the typical Bravelle/Menapur/Lupron combo, but rather than an extra 8 days of Lupron like we did last cycle to prevent me ovulating over the drug, we're going to stay at the same dose for a short period of time. I told her that the normal low and slow was for the birds and I want to hit this one hard. We'll see how it goes. I figure we have nothing to lose and everything to gain so why not.

The circus came to town

2011-07-29T08:59:00.000-04:00

I’m alive…I swear!! I know I’ve been missing in action the last week and a half or so and a couple of you have sweetly called out a search parties (which means a lot to me). I have been completely and totally disconnected from all things blog which makes me sad.

I’ll admit, I did go through a few days of being really really down about the adoption situation, but I have officially snapped out of it and moved on. We are now just going to put our focus toward the next thing and know that our baby just hasn’t found us yet. I think H and I are both surprised at how little we’ve been focusing on the adoption this past week or so after a month of hard core can’t think of anything else nerves and worry. It feels nice and is such a relief.

The other things that have kept me busy are the out of town guests that came a knocken. The only way to adequately describe what took place over the last week is to say that the circus come to town. My brother, his little girl Lucy (so freaking cute), his baby momma, her two sisters, and her brother in law all made the trip from OH ready to be entertained. It was actually an awesome time that I was super excited for. My niece makes me so freaking happy I can’t even tell you. To see her give a big grin lights me up. I tried to get them to let me keep her but they didn’t jump at that chance like you’d think they might. J

It’s so cool to see my brother’s face when I look at her. I don’t know that I’ll ever have the opportunity to see a reflection of my face in a child’s (which I’ve accepted) and it kind of feels like the next best thing.

I also had to travel for a few days for work and although I had good intentions of blogging, time just got away from me.

We are in Boston this coming weekend for our nephews third birthday party, so hopefully I can spend a lot of my time catching up with what you all have been up to and getting back into the blogging groove. I miss everyone and can’t wait to read up. I suspect it’s going to be like when you catch a surprise marathon of your favorite show and you get to watch the episodes back to back without the heartache of waiting a week in between.

Don’t give up on me…I swear I’m going to be a better blogger. J

I'm full of random

2011-07-18T12:10:00.000-04:00

If I could give each of you a hug to express how much I appreciate all the sweet comments and e-mails I would. If ever there were a group of women I would burn my bra for, it would be you girls. Just to be clear, that is just a figure of speech; them be expensive and this girl is on a budget.

You have been warned that the remainder of this post shall be random and of interest to few. When did that ever stop me though.

There is something about this song that is just so cheesy, sweet, uplifting and completely depressing all at the same time. I heard it today and it has been in my head ever since. So let me pass along the gift of getting this song stuck in your heads too.

This is random I know, but do you know what my biggest fear about being sent to jail is? I'm worried that I'll be sitting in my cell trying to think of an actors name, a song title, an old lifetime movie plot, etc, and I won't be allowed to call my sister to find out the answer.

We have this system for when one of us can't come up with the answer to a trivia question. This system was established long before the Internet, and is fail proof. We call the other and give a very broad topic such as, "Think about the TV show P.unky Bre.wster". Then immediately all the characters (you know, Brandon, Mr. Warnimont, Cherie, Betty, Margeaux, etc.) come flooding to her head. After she reflects for a moment, I ask the question and the odds are the answer is already on her mind. Had I called and said, "What was Punky Brewster's dogs name", typically you can think of everything BUT that. Listen, I don't foresee myself going to prison, but these are the fears that plague me. :) Hope I haven't told that story before...it was sounding familiar as I was typing.
I don't want this to be a depressing post (besides the Winnie the Pooh song of course), but we did get the official call that the mother went with the other family. The agency said that there is no really advice or changes they think we should make for next time. They felt like we were ourselves and she just felt a connection to the other family. She also said that she is composing a letter to us and wanted to be sure that was ok. I think that is super sweet and something we'll cherish, so the answer was definitely yes. Very nice of her to do and can't be easy. We had really made our peace with this new late last week and over the weekend so the call today is sort of rolling off our backs, something I am very thankful for.

Back to the drawing board

2011-07-14T09:02:00.001-04:00

Well, if I'm being honest, all and all we had a pretty sucky night last night.

We arrived at the restaurant about 30 minute early. Because the place we were meeting is about 1.5 hours from us, we had left in plenty of time to avoid rush hour traffic. By the time we actually walked in to the restaurant we had ourselves worked up into a nervous frenzy (again). Lots of "deep breaths" and "ok, just keep calm"'s were mumbled back and forth.

We could literally tell from the first question we asked Taylore that she had already chosen the other couple (who she had had lunch with that day).  Her body language was uncomfortable, she wasn't engaging, no eye contact, and we both knew instantly that it was over before it even started. It wasn't that it was a terrible time. We actually had a great dinner and great conversation with her parents and her little brother who had tagged along, but you could just feel it.

Ultimately though we have no doubt that she has decided to go with the other family. She asked lots of questions that made it very clear. She asked things like, "How long have you been waiting for a baby". When we answered she said, "Oh good, so not that long".  Questions that you could tell were designed to make herself feel better about the decision she had made. There were dozens of little things like that that told us what we could already sense, but the real kicker was at the end when we were saying goodbye and she said, "I hope that no matter what happens we can still keep in touch". Ugh. I wanted to turn to Hung on the spot and ask, "Did she just I hope we can still be friends us?".

When we look back, I think we both agree that she really wanted a family that she could see herself fitting into in some way for years to come and the other couple must have provided her that. We really can't fault her for that and wish her nothing but the best.

Before making the drive home last night we just sat in the car kind of stunned by what had just happened. You know that moment after someone gets slapped on a movie or tv show where they kind of hold their cheek in disbelief and there is a long pause before they react. It was like that, only we just couldn't seem to snap out of it.

We'll get the official call sometime this weekend from our agency. If it's different than what we suspect we'll be thrilled, but in our minds we are 100% sure of the outcome. It is safe to say that H has had drastically better birthdays than this one and is just happy the day has passed...poor guy. So, back to the drawing board we go.

Thank you all so much for the nice e-mails yesterday. One positive thing that did come from all this was that we were reminded that we are so lucky to have such supportive friends. It was actually a little humbling to know so many people were wishing us well and I really hope I can return the favor.

Groundhog Day

2011-07-13T10:17:00.000-04:00

Yep, this definitely feels like groundhog day to me. Upset stomach, check, an excess of self tanning lotion, check, bobby pins willing my hair into place, check, my best "can I raise your baby please" outfit, check. You guessed it, we have our next and final meeting tonight at 6:00pm with the momma before she makes her decision. AHHH!!

She is meeting the other family for lunch today and meeting with us for dinner, so I'm sure she's a nervous wreck too. Here dad and stepmother will be there as well so that will be nice I think. We were able to meet them briefly the last visit and they seemed very nice and down to earth. It gives me confidence that things are going to work out ok for this girl no matter what happens.

It also happens to be H's birthday today so we're taking it as a good sign that we got the original call on MY birthday letting us know someone was looking at our book and we're having our final meeting on HIS birthday. I hate it that his birthday is going to be so stressful, but as my mom pointed out, after you have kids your birthday is pretty much rendered a non issue for about 18 years anyway so we're just getting a head start. I did get his morning started right with a night breakfast and a jig saw (which isn't code for some crazy sex position, I literally got him a jig saw for his birthday).

We have been told that they are certain this will be it and she will be making a decision one way or the other most likely this weekend, so we at least have the reassurance that we'll know something very soon going in. I have penciled in both emotional wreck for Sunday which I think will be fitting no matter how the cookie crumbles.

That's all for now, but I'll definitely keep y'all posted.

Oh yeah, one last thing. While I'm at my dinner, take a little time to become obsessed with Bi.g Bro.ther so that when I inevidably vent about who was kicked off, who won the veto, or who I hate you'll know what I'm talking about? Great, thanks!

What's in the box!!

2011-07-11T11:03:00.000-04:00

Well I did it, I finally met my first real live blog friend and we both survived. Our husbands had both warned us that we were clearly going to find out that the person on the other end of the blog we had made plans with could be nothing but a middle aged predator named Vinny. H even likened my upcoming meeting to the fate Gwyne.th Paltr.ow's character experienced in the movie Seven. I am happy to report that my blonde hair is not sticking out the side of a box and we ended up having a great time.

I think we both had blind date jitters, but in the end I am happy to report that Sarah at Baby Talk is sweet, soft spoken, funny, and best of all, she gets it! What I don't get is the fact that despite only living 15 minutes from each other, we are just now meeting in person. She was even nice enough to bring me sunflowers with a pack of tick tacs attached (a reference to the movie Jun.o...a must see if you haven't already). All and all our lunch felt to me like taking a deep breathe...a much needed deep breathe. Definitely check out her blog if you aren't already following her.